Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Having a very surreal day.

Mrs. Thinker has suddenly decided that she is interested in moving here to MIL's city, looked up a bunch of houses on line, and today we are out as a family looking at some of them.

First, let me say that I am not opposed to the idea. The area is nice, the houses are nice, the people are friendly, the cost of living is low, the taxes are low - and could more easily work in my current job than from where we live now. All in all it would be a great way to upgrade our standard of living while reducing our costs. In fact, I have suggested this move in the past.

But NOW???

I am going along with the house hunting on the theory that "it never hurts to look", but I'm not making any long term decisions with our M in it's current state (or even now in the state it was in 2 years ago)

I don't want to uproot and move only to get D'd.

Last night I asked her how serious she was about moving, and said "we need to decide if we want to be married or not before we can think about where we want to live.

But today, I am just going along for the ride and looking at houses.

[SmileysPerson]

But NOW??? ... I am going along with the house hunting on the theory that "it never hurts to look", but I'm not making any long term decisions ... I don't want to uproot and move only to get D'd... I am just going along for the ride

A sound policy, my brother. Could well be that Mizz Thinker is engaging in some avoidance behavior -- "solve" the problem by changing the scene. A familiar dynamic to me -- basically my mom's M.O. There's no problem so big that it can't be resolved by moving away from it. It all gets couched in "fresh start" terms, but of course the Problems all sneak into the boxes you've packed along with the china....they just don't always get unpacked until rather late in the game. They tend to be in that one box that sits in the corner of the garage, and when you open it you're mildly (and unpleasantly) surprised to learn you still have all the age-old challenges. Just in a new house.

[Sara]

Moving is traumatic. More than I ever thought until I did it. I do think it was our big move from slow, Southern city with big flooding problem to big, sunny Florida city of northern transplants that tipped the scales in favor of his old girlfriend and brought her to the forefront of his mind.

But dreaming a dream together is a good thing. So, if you and she both buy into the dream of moving to MIL's town and if selling the current abode isn't too difficult, then this may be something that draws you together. But as emotionally fragile as W is, you will have to be very attentive to encroaching depression after the excitement of the move wears off.

[Thinker]

I guarantee that if our R were still the same and we moved here, she would be depressed and miserable a month later.

Been there. Done that. Got 3 t-shirts.

[Thinker]

Done house-peeping for the day. A local friend and I are now taking S6 and S4 fishing

[Thinker]

Journaling:
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Boys and I had a ton of fun last night - catching a gazillion pan-fish and racing around the lake in a bass boat. They keep asking when we can go again.
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Mrs. Thinker and I had a discussion last night in which I affirmed that I would be supportive of a move, but questioned "Why Now?" and told her that I could not see putting the family through the stress of a move while we are both still not sure whether we want to be married to each other.

I also told her that I think she is beautiful and a wonderful person and a great mother (not my exact words, just paraphrasing), but as far as our M goes I spend most of the time just thinking that I am done and that we should both just move on with our lives. I told her that I don't want to go back to the way things were, and that we can't stay in our M like it is. I said my major fear right now is that things won't change.

This was not a fight or an argument, just a calm discussion between us. She told em that she has felt that way for a long time. We have now both openly reached the same place.

She talked about "How did we get here" and how "This is so sad for both of us and for our kids".

She said that she is "really kind of hoping that Retrouvaille will be a major breakthrough for us"

She said that she does not want to go back to our MC because it wasn't helping. I agree. She would be willing to try a different MC. I suggested that we try to find someone specializing in relationships, rather than a general counselor.

She is starting to take some ownership of the R. Rather than try to blame me for everything, she spend a while on "I don't know why I can't open up and talk to you. I just feels so hard for me to do"

It was a calm and sober discussion.

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So the good news is we are talking openly and as equals. I don't really feel like the pursuer any more. 2 months ago it felt like I was dragging her to Retro and she was only going reluctantly. She was convinced "it just can't help". Now she wants to go and is hanging on to it like a life preserver.

We had a pretty good morning this morning.

18 days to Retro.

[JKL2009]

So the good news is we are talking openly and as equals.

Thanks is huge. Congrats! This is great no matter what happens. I feel like I am getting there with my W too, slowly, but it is nice to be open and honest and (as you say) speaking as equals.

[Orich]

Good news, thinker, I am glad for you. You seem to be in a pretty good spot.
Things have deteriorated for me. W has removed me and my family from her facebook friends list. We don't talk. We avoid each other in the house.
When she finally agreed to go to Retro a couple of weeks ago, she said to book the weekend, that she wouldn't change her mind. Right now I fear that is the only reason why she is going now, because she said she wouldn't back out.
I am more afraid than ever. She appears to be slowly letting go. I can only hope for a small miracle at retro. Your W is at least hoping for something. Mine seems to be just going because she said she would.
Maybe it is enough. I don't know.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Orich,

I have 46 days to go till Retro, and my W is pulling away as well. All that matters right now is that she goes to Retro. I'll take my chances once we're there. If she decides not to go, then I'll know our fate. The same goes for your situation. Hang in there.

Thanks,
LFh

[Thinker]

Mrs. Thinker called me at work today. "I'm going to be downtown near the mall this morning. Would you like to meet me to look at a ring I found?"

Of course I said yes, and re-arranged my work schedule to become free.

We met and she showed me the ring. I agreed with her choice -- Tasteful, beautiful, and on sale at a price < what the insurance company paid us for the one she lost .

She wanted the ring. I bought it, paid for it, put it on her finger, and kissed her there in the store.

So now she's wearing a wedding ring again - completely at her own initiative. I'm back at work for the afternoon. She drove off to go meet her mom (and show her the ring).

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Mrs. Thinker is also still driving forward with the idea of us moving. She found one which would be great for us and is talking to everyone about it. I like the house and the idea of the move, but am staying clear with "I'm not moving our M problems."

17 days until Retrouvaille.

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Tonight I am going out with a long-time friend who lives locally for a manly "ATF" evening (Alcohol, tobacco and Firearms, not necessarily in that order ). We're meeting at a pistol range after work.