The way I look at my H at MLC is, do I believe that's the true him, or is the behavior just "MLC"? I started to realize that some of H's behavior was just mlc behavior. But at the same time, I have discovered more of my H. There are behaviors which now I know is him, and it will never change. I can either embrace it or not. He will not change. Looking on the positive side, is that I also see H trying to change some things/behaviors which I know is not him. He is doing that for our family. And I really appreciate that.
You have been with your H long enough, I guess if you see him in his actions, you will know what is his true behavior, and what's not. It is more difficult since you two don't see/talk to each other often. Do you want to live with your true H, after he comes out of all the immatureity? Is that the H you can still commmit to, of course considering the kids, history, love, etc.
I have been thinking about my problems. Now I know what my H is truly like (and there are the parts that I do not know still). I also see what he has done for us. Moving forward will not be easy with him, but I know I am commited to be with him, good and bad, "for better or for worse", and with all the unknowns in the future.
It took me a long time to really commit in my heart. But once I make my decision, it feels good. You will know when you are ready to decide. take care.
SH It is so frustrating no one can make the answers for you on when is enough when to really let go its good that you have sources, so you dont stick your head in the sand Life is precious and if our H dont want to become better men living in an enlightened way, we have to move on all i can say is you are very smart so trust yourself meditate, journel listen and if you feel its time, then take action None of it means anything really H is already gone we can still be upbeat cordial and pleasant they are moving in a direction with women ect we can also move in a direction maybe that is just a direction of closure
as I look back ovwer the last 5 months right after D, I met BF the attraction was so strong that I got totally pulled away from XH xh has gotten worse over these months less availabke ect( you read my thread) Not b/c of me well who really knows but the point is , I dont think I could have let go without BF in picture now Im not going to stay with bf just a matter of timing im listening here too so its all risky you know--no fear though but when we are guided by God, we will make no mistakes we live in light I know you do peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
oc - A lot of the conversation I had with friend that night was about whether what H is doing now is his true character. She has known him a long time and thinks that this is the real him, and that he had changed because of me. But because of the bad influences around him, he was easily swayed. She believed that he was one of the ones who would stray. I, on the other hand, think that I knew the real him - but wondering if he had me fooled all that time. My feeling is still stronger that I knew the real him, but it's hard to ignore hearing someone else's perspective and opinion of him.
peace - Honestly, I don't want to let go. I would wait for H if I knew he would come back. But there are no guarantees - and I know that's true for most everything in life - I don't want to wake up at 50 one day and have wasted so many years "waiting" for H. I want to believe that H will wake up, and in my gut, I think he will one day. But I don't know when that day is. So it's not that I WANT to let go, it's that I NEED to - to protect myself. And yes, for a sense of closure. Loving him only brings me pain. I deserve better, and in this case, even not finding someone else but just cutting H from my life would be a step up.
Been asking (rather pleading) for signs which direction I should go. The signs have been all over the place, as if to say "you need to figure this out yourself". H's best friend's wife just told me that H had heart to heart with best friend - friend says H is really unhappy and very lonely and said something about how friend has family to go home to and he has nobody when he goes home. That's his choice - but it breaks my heart all over again to know that he's lonely and as I suspected, the girls he brings out are an attempt to fill the void. It also infuriates me that he continues this behavior.
I've already called my lawyer to see what steps I should take next. Wondering if I should take her not calling me back as a sign...
I've been avoiding talking or having to see H, as a defense mechanism maybe. I'm so easily fooled by his crumbs. Anxiety is back, but comes and goes - not overwhelming like it used to be.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I've visited the site before. It's been a long, hard 3+ years of standing while my H had an A. I lasted longer than I ever imagined I could and did the best that I could. I don't regret standing and I could and might even stand longer. But I'm not a die hard stander. I don't believe in forever committing yourself to a M that has been destroyed and long abandoned by your spouse.
A D won't stop me from getting back together with my H if he ever came around. Nor will it stop me from loving my H unconditionally. What it will do, I hope, is bring some closure for me and help me to detach from being so hung up on the M itself. Having a man slut for an XH is somehow far better than having a man slut for a H.
I only posted that sight because you said you were looking for signs and that told me that you believe in God and are someone who prays.
You are right in that a D will not stop you and your H from getting back together. However, we know that God hates D. I know that it is hard to stand and stand and stand. I am coming up on year 1 for my M. And yes, my W has been unfaithful to. And that was extremely hard to live with and believe me I wanted to at that point run off and be with someone else. But I know that isn't what God wants or expects of me. So I stand and wait on his perfect timing.
I don't know why God restores some M's in a couple of months and others in years. All I know is his timing is perfect.
Is there any reason why you still can't live your life without filing for D? What changes by filing for D? If you have a covenant M, what really changes? I don't see how that brings closure.
Can you continue to live your own life while praying for your H's heart to be changed? I don't recommend filing for D. I just think you should live your life as it is, pray for your H to be converted and saved and work to make yourself happy.
Remember, D is nothing more than a legal piece of paper. It doesn't change the status of your covenant.
Yes, I could say the same things about my W. It is not easy to stand and watch and know what is going on. At the same time, we have to keep our eyes focused on the Lord and not our current circumstances which do and will continue to change.
I'm just trying to be encouraging to you and I am hoping that you do not give up. Live your life, but keep praying. Ultimately, your prayers may determine where he ends up.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Good luck to you. I've been in my sitch for over a year and a half and for you to last 3 years without much improvement is a testament to your devotion.
If you filing first doesn't change anything, then at least you know you've tried everything you could. Only you can decide when you've had enough.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
SH, Well, nobody who knows the sitch ever encourages the LBS to stay.
I think YOU need to move forward with your interactions with him. If asked, go to his apartment. (it's not easy to do it but I do recommend; it is enlightening) See what he is like now.
You need to find out what he is really like now, so take invites as an opportunity to get to see what is up with him. That will probably help you figure out what to do.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
So, as it turns out, I don't need to make any decisions.
H called me asking we get together soon to talk about where we're going from here. My heart froze for a moment, wondering if this was the moment where he said he wanted to come back. Of course, it wasn't.
He wants to proceed with "the paperwork", as he calls it (still has not said the word DIVORCE to me). He's pushing for 1 lawyer, which I don't think is possible, and not what I want. He fears having 2 will get nasty and costly and reassures me that he'll make sure this friend lawyer of his watches out for both sides! HA! Not that I don't believe him, I just know better. I told him we just need to look at it as a business transaction. I insisted on using my own. H still seems to think this is negotiable.
He's saying he'll always put us first, that all he's working for is the kids and me, and that whenever he has the means, he's more than willing to give us what we need (which he's done so far). I've told him that I know his intentions are good, but that it's unrealistic. Things change. He'll have someone else, possibly more children, and maybe I will too. His feelings will change.
I asked him what made him decide to do this now. He said because it's been 3 years and to bring closure so that both of us can move on. (Sounds very much like what I told friend...hmmm...)
We talked about custody and about the kids. I don't think this will be as easy as he thinks. I actually think it's a rash decision he's making and he hasn't thought through a lot of things. There's no way he'll fight me for full custody - he said they belong with me - but he does want joint. I asked him to let me be able to move overseas, as I'd like to move back home in the future. He didn't seem so agreeable to this. Asked for joint and that we deal with it when the time comes - again, not something that I want to have to do.
Other than that, we talked for a long time - about his work mostly. He asked me several times how I was doing. I told him I was ok. Really didn't have any other answer for him. I asked him. He had some concerns about his health, which sounded stress-related to me (bursts of rage). He was about to end the conversation several times, but then continued. We talked for over an hour. No tears, just a few pauses to compose myself. Except for D being the topic of discussion, it was a nice conversation.
We ended saying we'd meet next week to talk more when he returns from his trip.
I'm feeling...not numb or sad, as I'd expect - more...unaffected, I guess would be the best word. Somewhat relieved that there's some movement. But at the same time, not fully convinced that H knows what he's doing and will follow through. I respect that he is taking action rather than just letting things continue this way. It shows a bit of maturity on his part. However, he asked that we not tell his mother so as not to upset her. !!!
Half hour after hanging up, H called me again asking for fashion advice. He used to take pride in telling his friends that he had his own personal fashion consultant (me - that's my forte...), but not something he's asked my opinion on in 4 years.
Thanks mmf, Kevin, stuck, forward for all your support and advice. Kevin - I am actually not someone who has a strong faith in God. I truly admire people who do. I believe in a higher power and I find myself praying a lot more than ever before in my life, but I'm definitely not religious. Forward - now may be the time for me to be more open and available for H. It would be a nice thing to have H back in my life as a friend, no matter what happens, although, again, I'm not sure how realistic that concept is once either of us meets someone new.
Maybe this will really hit me in a day or two. We'll see what happens next week. Until then, I guess I'll seek my lawyer's advice on how to proceed and what to expect. If anyone can offer legal advice or fill me in on what to look out for, I'd very much appreciate it...
