oc - A lot of the conversation I had with friend that night was about whether what H is doing now is his true character. She has known him a long time and thinks that this is the real him, and that he had changed because of me. But because of the bad influences around him, he was easily swayed. She believed that he was one of the ones who would stray. I, on the other hand, think that I knew the real him - but wondering if he had me fooled all that time. My feeling is still stronger that I knew the real him, but it's hard to ignore hearing someone else's perspective and opinion of him.
peace - Honestly, I don't want to let go. I would wait for H if I knew he would come back. But there are no guarantees - and I know that's true for most everything in life - I don't want to wake up at 50 one day and have wasted so many years "waiting" for H. I want to believe that H will wake up, and in my gut, I think he will one day. But I don't know when that day is. So it's not that I WANT to let go, it's that I NEED to - to protect myself. And yes, for a sense of closure. Loving him only brings me pain. I deserve better, and in this case, even not finding someone else but just cutting H from my life would be a step up.
Been asking (rather pleading) for signs which direction I should go. The signs have been all over the place, as if to say "you need to figure this out yourself". H's best friend's wife just told me that H had heart to heart with best friend - friend says H is really unhappy and very lonely and said something about how friend has family to go home to and he has nobody when he goes home. That's his choice - but it breaks my heart all over again to know that he's lonely and as I suspected, the girls he brings out are an attempt to fill the void. It also infuriates me that he continues this behavior.
I've already called my lawyer to see what steps I should take next. Wondering if I should take her not calling me back as a sign...
I've been avoiding talking or having to see H, as a defense mechanism maybe. I'm so easily fooled by his crumbs. Anxiety is back, but comes and goes - not overwhelming like it used to be.
