Yeah, I'd like to stop D talk, but W keeps on with it. Well, she's saying that she's looking forward to tomorrow's appointment, that she feel like her L has been really underhanded. That's a good sign - she wants to put this right - it's hard not to press her on our deal to stop the D though. I think that's off the table.
Well, we went to the state fair, stopped for lunch afterwards - it was a good time, W had fun, the kids had fun. Yeah, I wasn't estatically happy, but I held my own. I kept wanting to reach out for her, pull her close, just touch her, but I didn't.
Funny, she talks about, she's going to get paid soon, and we can take care of XYZ with the bills. We're still doing all our finances together, etc. The think about me paying her legal fees is all kind of moot at this point, because it's coming out of the same pie.
And she said, once we get past all this we can get the hot tub fixed...
Okay... what??
To some degree I want to be wary of being around her because she keeps wanting to talk about things.
Feel like I still need to balance giving her space vs. not isolating myself - 180 from before, right - so I'm trying to do both.
So - need to drop the rope. Yes, that's it exactly. Get to the point where I'm happy just being. And when I'm around her, it's not about being around her.
I feel my stronger self emerging. At least I'm getting more in touch with it.
Funny, talked about a lot of memories today. We were in the area where my W lived when we were dating. Talked about the time we went to the state fair when she was pregnant, and could barely walk from bench to bench, but was determined to be there. We ate at the resturant where I believe we ate with her mother the weekend I met her (and a chain where we used to take the kids all the time). Not sure if any of this made much of an impact though. Well, we drove by the drive-in, and she commented how she kept wanting to go when the kids were little, and I always refused. So much for memories.
Thank you Karen!! I appreciate the encouragement. - Bill
Funny, she talks about, she's going to get paid soon, and we can take care of XYZ with the bills. We're still doing all our finances together, etc. The think about me paying her legal fees is all kind of moot at this point, because it's coming out of the same pie.
And she said, once we get past all this we can get the hot tub fixed...
I hate to say this but your W sounds a little delusional about life after D. (All WAS are I think). My H literally told me life is going to be perfect after D, the kids will be happier, he's going to have more money, and I'll find someone really great. Their brain is in fantasyland. It sounds like your W expects your R to stay the same, expect her moving out and dating and then getting her emotional needs from you.
I think you do need to pull back a little. I'm thinking you should do stuff like maybe have separate checking/savings accounts. My H and I had a joint account and he raided it. Believe me, I never expected that. I had total trust in him. Hah. I will never do that again, or at least will always have a separate account with some money in it. That might be a good way to show her things will change if she goes through with this. I don't expect you intend to just sit on a shelf and be her best bud when she's dating or going out right? If she's doing a lot of R talking, do a little bit if she brings it up, but then why not plan some GALing so you don't wind up in some long discussion that doesn't do any good. Talk to her for a little bit and then take the kids somewhere.
I don't know that the group stuff you and W are doing with the kids is the best idea at least not too much of it. I think you should try to do more GALing with the kids, so she can feel a taste of being left out, which I can assure you winds up happening when you're separated/divorced.
I hate to say this but your W sounds a little delusional about life after D. (All WAS are I think). My H literally told me life is going to be perfect after D, the kids will be happier, he's going to have more money, and I'll find someone really great. Their brain is in fantasyland. It sounds like your W expects your R to stay the same, expect her moving out and dating and then getting her emotional needs from you.
Yeah - I'm getting that. All this business about operating as a family as much as possible, I mean it's not sustainable. She's got examples of friends that still spend holidays together, and I think this is the model in her head - but I think these examples have not been of long duration. And how is that going to work if new relationships come into the picture? ONLY if we retain this limbo for the rest of our lives.
Originally Posted By: karen43
I think you do need to pull back a little. I'm thinking you should do stuff like maybe have separate checking/savings accounts.
That might be a good idea. She calls the main account "my account" but it's joint.
Originally Posted By: karen43
I don't know that the group stuff you and W are doing with the kids is the best idea at least not too much of it. I think you should try to do more GALing with the kids, so she can feel a taste of being left out, which I can assure you winds up happening when you're separated/divorced.
I've thought about that today. Last time we went through this, one of the big things I did was to drive a positive, fun family environment. It helped pull her back. So, this was kind of the model I was following. Not that I'm quite there with the PMA, but I've got - um - OKA (OK mental attitude) - still making her laugh and stuff.
Sometimes it seems like we've got the fussiest kids. They complained about having to go to the baseball game, for example. Driving home, one of my kids asked how much it cost because he wanted to know how much money we wasted... They complained a some today. This kind of stuff drives my W nuts.
Anyway, we taken them to movies the past couple of weekends, all together. I'm sitting here thinking that, this will be good for us all, we'll have fun. But I don't know what difference it's making, you're right. Maybe that would be a good 180. On the other hand, I did take them to Six Flags myself (where they refused to get on any rides except the bumper cars), I'm taking them on daily walks by myself, etc. I do stuff just them and me, that's nothing new. And these weekends where she's not here, I'm doing stuff with them myself. Next weekend will be another example. I think my W is grateful for the break, vs. feeling left out, but that OK too I guess.
Wow this would almost be funny if it wasn't so crappy.
W just spent tonight filling out the stupid questionare to prepare for our court mediation thing next Friday. She is really, really pissed off at her L for not handling this the way she asked - and then, not giving her any of the paperwork or information. Going on, saying this could have caused so many problems - what if I'd just got pissed off and didn't mention it to her, she would have been screwed. She's also pissed off at her psychologist who recommended the guy, and apparently has been telling her to be paranoid of me in this situation. She actually got in a fight with her therapist defending me, saying my H isn't like that.
Interesting.
She's going on talking that she's hired these people to look out for her best interests, and she can't trust any of them.
Hi Bill, I have caught up on your thread & am so sorry. My H is pushing too, after not hearing from him for a week but he's been talking to L and is starting again. I am sure living together is so extremely difficult, but in my case H & I are like strangers. There is no pretense of being married even. It's chilling. I can see from your posts that living with WAS is no picnic either. I can only imagine how hard it must be with kids, and my heart goes out to you & them to have to go through this. But for me, I sort of feel like without kids there is little to keep us connected. Anyway just wanted to check in & wishing you the best in your mediation appt. Sounds like you are doing everything right, all that you can, and getting really clear on what you need to do. Very strong, bravo! Please take care & sending positive thoughts your way, LFA
Bill, I hope you don't mind if I try to flag Karen43.
Dear Karen43, I wonder if you'd mind looking at my thread. I have been reading your posts to Bill & I would be interested in your opinion of what my H is doing. I was sorry to hear about him raiding your joint accts. Similarly H & I have everything joint financially. My H is trying to get me to do a separation agrmt. If you have time that would be great. Hopefully this link works - if not it's called Scared & Looking for Advice.
Hi Bill, I have caught up on your thread & am so sorry. My H is pushing too, after not hearing from him for a week but he's been talking to L and is starting again. I am sure living together is so extremely difficult, but in my case H & I are like strangers. There is no pretense of being married even. It's chilling. I can see from your posts that living with WAS is no picnic either. I can only imagine how hard it must be with kids, and my heart goes out to you & them to have to go through this. But for me, I sort of feel like without kids there is little to keep us connected. Anyway just wanted to check in & wishing you the best in your mediation appt. Sounds like you are doing everything right, all that you can, and getting really clear on what you need to do. Very strong, bravo! Please take care & sending positive thoughts your way, LFA
Thank you very much. The support we get on this message board is very important. I'm really torn on the pros/cons of my situation. Yes, W and I are friendly, we're cooperating as a family, which, most significantly, will be good for the boys. I tend to wonder how much our current situation is keeping me from detaching. I miss her so much, and she's right there. I think the temptation for us to support each other is very strong. It's hard in a lot of ways, but even if we get a D in the end there are a lot of positives.
I can't imagine what you must be going through though. My heart goes out to you too. Stay strong!!
So, today we both went and saw my L. Went through the thing of her explaining to my W what her L was doing, which again, was not the instructions my W gave. She was majorly pissed off at her L.
So at this point, W is having her L cancel the mediation appt, cancel the court date on 10/1, and we're planning to go through my L for mediation.
She did not call off the D as we'd discussed so we have 6 months. Well, 5+ months I guess. And she's still talking about us being in the same house until the kids finish the school year.
So, in summary, we've turned down the fire a bit with the court stuff. But still getting a D.
I have to save my M.
On the plus side, I got myself up and going and to work on time, I had a productive day - I was unengaged last week, which isn't good. I kind of feel this work persona emerging that is pissed off - which, on one hand, isn't so good, on the other makes me more like all the other managers here. Ha ha. Still feeling sick to my stomach in the morning (and much of the time) is still a problem, - I've lost 20 pounds since this began in late July. But still I kind of feel like maybe I've taken a step up on on the staircase of coping.
That's a horrible metaphor.
Still not getting good sleep.
OK that's enough of my rambing. Talk to all you people later, stay strong.
Oh I forgot to mention - she called me shortly after our meeting, and said she told off her L on the phone to the point where she had him stuttering. Yeah, she's firing the guy.
That all sounds so good! OK, you have 5 months which is plenty of time. I have to tell you b/c I did that living together phase before H moved out for 4 months where he was wanting a D. I was READY to have him move out at that point. Yeah, he treated me like crap, texting the OW in front of me all the time, etc., but even if he hadn't I think it's a sitch where I wouldn't to do that for more than 5 months anyway. I didn't begin to detach at all until after H moved out and gradually stopped coming over too.
I understand you want to maintain a good R with her b/c of your kids, but on the other hand I don't think you envision life after D like the glowy, best buddy way that your W does. I think you should at least give her a little taste of that reality, not by being unfriendly, but starting to detach, take your kids out and GAL with them, GAL some by yourself. Do business things that will protect you in the case of a D.
Well short version - think I'm detaching. Not saying much to her at this point. Feel like kind of a blank right now - just kind of here. Yep Karen, need to work on GAL and PMA. Need to get happier.
Biggest problem is I'm still not sleeping, even with the meds. Exhausted today, and work was a grinder. Wanted to come home to my wife, just hug her, DBing be damned, but I didn't. I said to her at one point, and she repeated to therapist, about her keeping me afloat regarding the work stress. So I've got to attend to myself.
Work is actually maybe a useful distraction. Still very busy - there are moments now where I realize that I'm not thinking about what's going on. Almost feel like myself from time to time.
Anyway, have a new sleeping pill from the doctor to take tonight. Xanex, Ambien, didn't work. Still waking between at 1:00 am and 3:00 am and tossing and turning.
Well, sat and watched TV with her, last night, but didn't sit close. SHe seemed suprised when I announced I was going to bed. Checked the computer first, and she followed me in (looking for those snacks), asked me if I was crying (I was rubbing my eyes). I kind of laughed. No, not crying.
She's out with friends tonight. Somehow she didn't close with her L today, which is a little frustrating.
So - need to migrate from coping to better DBing. Living.
