Well, you put pressure on her and she sent you an email reaffirming her desire to divorce. So, you do have some experiential evidence...
How did I put pressure on her? She sent me an email saying she like to take the kids or if I didn't approve asking if I would keep them. I said I'd keep them and then I got the divorce email. I don't know what I could have done differently.
Still, I get that you're right about backing off...sigh
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/31/0912:35 AM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
yeah, maybe the answer she wanted was go ahead and take the kids. Maybe the pressure was coming from OM for her to bring the kids. Last week she called and apologized for overreacting about another issue where I think OM was pressuring her.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
All, I'm, having a hard time. It's hard to admit even with the anonymity of this forum but I'm still falling asleep and waking up in tears. I love her so very much and I want to save our M and keep our family together. I want to take whatever approach is most likely to yield that result. Right now I feel really confused. I was doing OK when I thought there was hope but I don't feel so much hope lately.
And yes I told HER I was done 10 months ago and walked out. She moved on with her life so it's all my fault. I put her through pain that she had no choice but endure and it went on for many months until she found some peace. I've only had my revelation for less than 2 months and I even have a choice, kind of.
I'm having such a hard time standing by watching W see other man. It makes a deep sad whole in my heart when I know they're together. This weekend she was at a memorial for OM best friend. He died on a motorcycle with alcohol involved. OM and these friends are completely different from me and the people we called friends in the past. It all adds so much confusion. When I first found out I questioned how she ended up with such a different crowd of people and she played the prejudice card on me, fair enough (that's for you A&K) but it's really the dramatic change that gets me. I bring all of this up because maybe I'm just jealous and my ego is driving me without accounting for what I did and giving her a fair chance. If that is so I need some advice because my ego is still causing me panic attacks and tears almost daily. I have managed to keep my composure with her now for several weeks.
So why did she agree to hold off on the disillusion if I agreed to stop hassling her about seeing OM? Does she have any hope for us? Did she not want to deal with the pain right now? Did she think it would be better to wait until I was less upset so things would be easier to settle?
How can I keep going? I need guidance.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/31/0912:07 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I want to succeed here. I want the best option, the one that gives me the best chance. I just don't have any idea what it is.
I do. I gave you a hint before of your "best" option.
I will tell you what it is again and then I will tell you why...
Leave her alone. Let her make her own decisions regarding the kids being around the OM or not.
Why? I told you before.. The MORE the kids are around while your wife and the OM are in the beginning of a relationship the BIGGER advantage YOU have.
They are NOT his kids and his kids are NOT her kids.. The kids being in the picture make it VERY VERY VERY difficult to have a sucessful relationship. (Since you are a father, I would think that you would already know what a pain in the butt children can be when you "want" some alone time etc etc...
The kids WILL start to drive a wedge between your wife and OM. Differences in discipline. Differences in how to discipline. Differences in the way he or she disciplines their own children vs the children that are not their own.
All the while they are going to try and have a "romantic relationship"? You have to be kidding me if you believe that nonsense....
Now. You just allowed her to have an alone weekend with him and you enabled the affair by watching the children. Your choice, but I certainly don't believe it was the one that will give you the BEST chance to save this.
I don't view that as too smart of an idea.....
Your choice, but I would ALLOW them to spend a LOT of time together and maybe even push that she have the kids MORE now than ever...
I am telling you.. It will get OLD fast.. For him, for her... Instant family that they aren't prepared for........
I would allow her to have the kids MORE. Not less. I would let them be an advantage for me...
I certainly would NOT watch MY kids WHILE my wife was off having an affair with OM..... NO WAY..(and OFFER to do it for her no less???) If she is going to be their mom, then she can be responsible or not responsible all on her own. I am NOT going to help her to NOT be responsible....
Now.. That is your BEST chance. You will find others that are going to argue about the kids and being pawns and this and that and a thousand other things...
The facts are that they will help you without even knowing.
Leave her alone. Let her make her own decisions regarding the kids being around the OM or not.
Why? I told you before.. The MORE the kids are around while your wife and the OM are in the beginning of a relationship the BIGGER advantage YOU have.
OK. I get what you are saying. But not sure how I can back pedal now that I've been firm about what needs to happen with the kids.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
It is actions, not words, you don't have to back pedal, you just back off. IMO.
I think I am backed off. I didn't even go inside when I stopped the kids off yesterday. She texted me last night checking on the dog. I politely replied and no more. I will see her some this week as I go over for various appointments and activities for the kids.
I picked up an outfit for her last week, guess I had better stop that for good.
She asked if I could help with some joint financial things that she was handling because she couldn't handle the pressure of it and I agreed to take it over. Guess that's fine.
I'm taking kids for a family trip this weekend so she'll have a glorious long weekend with OM. At least I get to have a great weekend with my angels
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/31/0904:30 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Dude, You have to calm down. You have to let OM go. She already told you she wants to break up with him. And really, now is the not the time for her to do that. You may want her to treat him like he's dog poo, but that's not up to you. You don't get to tell her how and when she'll break up with him...leave her alone and she'll do it.
She may not be having this great amazing romance you imagine. Maybe he just occupies boredom. It's ugly but true, people date some people not for the greatest reasons.
You were more tied up in trying and hoping she wouldn't go to this memorial thing....I have no idea who these people are, but frankly, it sounded sort of fun....who wouldn't want to go? I wanted to go and have ZERO connection to anyone there.
Remember during your last great talk, she told you, she's thinking of how to end it with him....so let her figure it out.
I'm sorry I was MIA this weekend, but really, Gucci is right. Back off some more. Let the kids drive a wedge between them. But I will say you were right about the FB thing but the kids are a tough thing....I and don't know that I would date a guy with kids...it would be hard and for the very reasons Gucci was talking about.
