Divorce not busted 3

[Energizer Bunny]

I'm no expert, (Obviously, or I wouldn't be in my own mess), but here's my thought.

I finally stopped saying anything about anything. My W came home in the middle of the night. I didn't say a word. She put stuff on her Fbook page that was obvious baiting for me. I didn't say a word. She had a B'day party and didn't invite me. I didn't way a word.

She finally broke down this weekend.

From what I could tell, she has been VERY angry and resentful toward me for years of what I have considered little things. The more I questioned her, the more justified she felt about being a total b*tch. I stopped doing those things, but she was still full of anger. To justify her anger she had to drop more bait and get me going again. If I responded, she was able to say "See, I am justified in my anger toward him. He gets into my business, I don't have my own space, we argue, etc."

By not reacting anymore she didn't have any more fuel for her fire. It feels like I am getting walked on, but I think that it will win out in the long run. (They know what they are doing is wrong/rude/inconsiderate/hurtful and the more we remind them of it the more it seems to keep them going)

Your W and mine seem very similar. Maybe she hasn't been getting the reaction out of you lately that justifies her actions/feelings, so she has had to ramp it up. Maybe going to Retro is scaring her.


My suggestion. Leave it alone.

[Orich]

Thanks. What happened when she broke down?
I will leave it alone, that was my first reaction. I have been more aloof lately. Not totally, but I have been letting things slide, always with the thought that I don't want to rock the boat before the retro weekend.
What I hope is that she cracks just the smallest bit and opens up a little. I feel like if she opens up about things and we really discuss them we might start to reconcile.

[Energizer Bunny]

I came home from being out playing with our S and some neighborhood kids. W wasn't there when I left, but her car was in the driveway when I got home.

I found her crying on "my" (formerly our) bed. I walked up to her and we hugged. We cried. We didn't say much. Then she said something to the effect of "Don't hurt me anymore." I said that I never meant to hurt her and that I don't want to be a bad husband. She said she doesn't want to be a bad wife either.

She opened up about feeling so hurt and angry at me. A real deep, hurt anger. She acknowledged having walls up toward, and being defensive against, me.

She said that living like this has really gotten to her.

We haven't built on that much since, but it seems like major progress to me.

[june72]

Orich,
I am one of those women that have a really rough time, mood wise, with my monthly's. If she is like this also then please don't take this for the real her.
I must admit to hating my husband during those time periods and feeling just so very negative. I have to remind myself that this often happens with each cycle and really remember not to let the moodiness overwhelm me. It's hard b/c you feel a definite change in your happiness level sometimes.
I have a theory that women with extra estrogen have this problem (both my sister and I had fibroids, due to extra estrogen, at a very early age). I also think the older we get the less the monthly mood swings will get. Actually my sister saw a famous psychiatrist in NYC years ago that attributed her mental health issues to her hormones. She was very emotional- so much so that some thought she was bipolar.

I have been hostile during these times periods, feeling anger and blame towards my husband when really I think my cycle may have had something to do with it.

Not saying that that is the cause of everything but it certainly does not help.

Of course there may be women responding stating that I am inaccurate about this. But for me- I really feel the change.

[Orich]

Yes it does. I only hope for something like this. All I get right now is indifference. That is the worse thing of all. I'd rather have anger or fights. Anything. The indifference is killing me. She does her thing without discussion. I do my thing, even come home in the middle of the night with no reaction.
She is a Vulcan on any given good day, I have seen no emotion from her at all during the Great Sadness. Once in a while her voice will drop very low, and she will say something remotely positive. Thats the only time I get anything out of her. But I very rarely hear that voice. In fact, it has been weeks since I heard it last.
Anyway, no contact from me to her today, even though she hasn't contacted me. I am not going to contact her.

[JKL2009]

I agree, removing fuel from the fire is a very important tactic. Let the fire burn down. Then who knows, maybe positive things can start?

[Orich]

June, she always had severe mood swings during her cycle, I think it does effect her. I am not doing anything right now. Her cycle will be over by the time we go to Retro in 2 weeks. We'll see what happens then, as I said. And by the way, W had to have fibroids removed a few years ago.

[Coach]

Orich, Take the focus off your wife. You are responsible for your own happiness. You are walking on eggshells and it is giving off a terrible vibe. Go back and read your posts here and to others lately like a third party and give yourself some honest feedback. Start handling it.

Cheers
Coach

[Energizer Bunny]

Yes it does. I only hope for something like this. All I get right now is indifference. That is the worse thing of all. I'd rather have anger or fights. Anything. The indifference is killing me. She does her thing without discussion. I do my thing, even come home in the middle of the night with no reaction.
She is a Vulcan on any given good day, I have seen no emotion from her at all during the Great Sadness. Once in a while her voice will drop very low, and she will say something remotely positive. Thats the only time I get anything out of her. But I very rarely hear that voice. In fact, it has been weeks since I heard it last.
Anyway, no contact from me to her today, even though she hasn't contacted me. I am not going to contact her.

Same here. The indifference was killing me. I called her out a little over three weeks ago. It brought out the anger pretty quickly. I'd guess the anger is in there, but she's avoiding it.

We almost never fought before the bomb (we probably should have more often) and haven't fought a lot since considering all that's happened. She can't be happy with herself right now. The more that you give her reason to focus on you, the less she can focus on herself. Once she starts focusing on herself, she probably won't like what she sees. At least I think that's what's happening in my sitch. Yours has seemed very similar since I first read your stuff.

[Orich]

I'm trying, coach. It's difficult living together, I mean, she is right there. She can overhear phone conversations, see exactly what I am doing, etc. With two young kids it's hard to get away. Detaching is difficult, too for the same reasons.
One of my 180's is to do more around the house. Now I do almost everything. I take out trash and recyclables. I empty the dishwasher. I do the laundry. While I was off I washed and waxed the kitchen floor, did the wood floors, scrubbed the counters, etc. I did those things because it is my house too, and I wanted it to look as good as possible. I didn't get a single comment or anything, and I didn't expect to. When I didn't get a comment, it didn't bother me. The point being, I am making changes in myself, and trying to detach from her. I still look for validation that my changes make a difference, so I have to work on that. Basically being at home together really makes it difficult to take the focus off her. I never know what to do during those times. Once the kids are in bed and it is just the two of us I look for things to do. I don't want to sit and watch TV because that was one of her complaints in MC. I go to the gym some nights, but not all.