I am keeping my expectations in check. But, I keep sensing she wants to do or say something to acknowledge she wants to work on the M.
So pave the way. What would it take for your wife to have a relaxed, open conversation? Place, time, events leading up to the time, picture the whole scene (use your new found "sense"). Cats will surprise you, be ready.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So pave the way. What would it take for your wife to have a relaxed, open conversation? Place, time, events leading up to the time, picture the whole scene (use your new found "sense").
Coach, I hear what you are saying. I feel like we have that opportunity each evening after we put the kids to bed. We are in the den, watch a little tv, surf the web on our laptops, and talk (lots of joking and small talk). There are a lot of distractions - tv and laptops. I have tried not opening my laptop and not turning on the tv. She is usually on her laptop.
I am going to have to think about your question a little more. Perhaps an evening of watching the stars on the back deck would be better. That just seems over the top to a certain extent. Oh, yeah, and my W is a mosquito magnet.
Seems to me like you have applied the "no R" talk with 100% consistency. Why not just ask "so what are we doing here?" This DB stuff is all good, but the "rules" are not hard and fast. Heck, they are mostly a bunch of stuff to basically help get you ready to be divorced, not actually save your M. Just ask her what is going on. The worse that can happen is what, she says I don't know? She says something that hurts? I don't think probing is going to do much harm right now.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
To be effective you want to be able to look her in the eye.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Actually, I don't think so, GIMA. The reason this sounded wise is partly that it also sounds like a new way to think about things. Yes, we should NOT hang on and obsess over every nuance of our interaction with our spouses, but I also think we all ended up here partly out of taking our spouses - and their alleged happiness in the R - for granted. So paying attention = GOOD!
I left a critical NOT out of this the first time around. I've restored it in the quote. Sheesh - stayed up too late!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Screw rules. Rules are made to be broken. Every 2 person situation is different. Look at coach's post and decide how to bring something up. I think you can "break" the rule once and see what happens, if nothing else than to gather some intelligence to aid in tactics going forward.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I'm for setting the scene for opening up - getting somewhere out of your usual evening routine, away from electronic distractions. You might not want to seem like you are pursuing, so if you set the scene she may begin to open up herself!
