Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

I'm not interested in a quid pro quo nor, frankly, am I interested in her changing just because I complained about it and she's just going through the motions. If it's not been important to her for all these years, then why should it be important now? Because there is some threat to her sense of security?

That wasn't what I was suggesting: I was simply stating that if she did indeed "settle" in the manner that I described previously, that all hope for you is *still* not lost (sexually). At the moment, however, we're still discussing her, and trying to figure out her own brand of sexuality a bit better.

Based upon your answers thus far, I'm going to propose a hypothesis to you. You previously wrote the following about her:

In remembering this, there is also this sentiment that she has stated more than once to other people: No man controls her and she has said directly to other men "Better men than you have tried." I don't recall her ever saying that to me (but she's probably said it to her friends about me).

My hypothesis is that the above is *exactly* what she fantasizes about in a man, sexually. That her sexual archetype is a man who is STRONG enough to conquer her and control her (at least in the bedroom). And by extension, the kind of man who turns her *off* is a WEAK man --> one whom *she* can control, both in and out of the bedroom. This isn't my own hair-brain idea: here is book recommendation for you:

Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
by by Michael J. Bader

This is not a self-help book. This was written by a psycho-analyst for other psycho-analysts. You may not agree with Bader's theories on the topic -- that's alright -- he is, at the least, thought provoking. You might also try asking some of the women here on this forum if I am potentially on target or just out in the weeds with this notion --> *they* understand female sexuality far better than I do.

There is something else that concerns me regarding your situation. You wrote:

Oh, and we joke about this, about our marriage being the best kept secret in town, but in a way it is telling....There are a number of people who know we are married, but because she kept her last name from the last marriage (for professional reasons and I concurred with that), there are far more that don't know that.

Anyway, we held a retirement party for a friend of ours and the people that were invited to this party at our house...were mostly the friends of my wife or acquaintances with my wife...As the party wrapped up around 9:30 pm, I was going around picking dishes and stuff, putting stuff in the dishwasher, etc. One of the people who was left noticed and commented how nice it was that I was staying to clean up.

"I ought to, I pay the mortgage on this house every month."

How nice, he thought out loud, that I was kind and generous enough to pay the mortgage for her house.

I said to him, "John, I live here. We're married."

To him, he had seen us together for years, seen my wife in her professional setting with the same name that she had always had for as long as he had known her, and just knew this as her house.

In other words, you wife keeps her marriage to you HIDDEN from her friends and coworkers. That, coupled with her complete embargo of all physical intimacy with you for the past 12 years really makes me wonder if she is having affairs on the side. I am generally quite cautious about suggesting such things to folks here (this is the first time, actually), but I smell a rat here.

Are you certain that you aren't being made to play the cuckhold again, TEGH? She is definitely using you to provide the safety, security, and "loose-rein" environment that her father did for her while she was growing up --> are you certain that she isn't also "sneaking out at night" to play the "wild girl" (or something equivalent)?

-- B.