New Post for Wifey

[Coach]

H had a sneer on his face when he said that my sitting outside by myself was making him uncomfortable. What was his Mom going to think?

All his problems. You are not responsible for how he feels or what he thinks someone else might think (mindreading).

He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

Same issue. He feels what he feels. He feels guilty for a reason.

I said, honey, nothing I said was said to make you feel guilty.

Should have left it alone there.

I don't feel you should feel guilty. I told him he was a good and decent man. That he had been hurt. He did nothing wrong by leaving me because he was reacting to hurt he felt. While I wished he could tear down the walls and let his heart hear and feel what is in my heart, that I understood. No one else understands, but I understand and I know why you left.

I told him that I have grown so much and I am so much stronger. People in my family, specifically my mother, have told me I am pathetic for waiting for him. But I knew that this is our time and our chance. I asked what he would like me to do. He said it is your choice to listen to your mom or work on our friendship. He asked me what I wanted to choose.

He was crying at this point and I cried right along with him. I told him that I choose to him. I choose a chance at a future with him. I told him again and again that he was a good and decent man. I sat on his lap on the lounge chair and I stroked the side of his head while I told him he was a good man, there is no reason to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong until he actually fell asleep. I curled up to him and we slept in that spot for nearly an hour.

You just rescued him from his feelings, that's enabling behavior. Then you mothered him, men aren't attracted to women who mother them. It's not healthy for you either.

I should not have said anything at the wedding, I shouldn't have asked him to dance, and I should have chosen my words more carefully today. The little bit of emotions I didn't control caused he and I pain.

See this - you discount your emotions but you give him a pass on his. Can you see the dynamic? When you express your feelings he invalidated them because they cause him distress. You can't feel that way because of how it makes him feel. It's a coping/controlling technique that is dysfunctional as a adult. Who else does he do this to?

When he started to calm down I said why is there such a strong reaction to all of this? He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

You can handle it.