My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

All, I'm, having a hard time. It's hard to admit even with the anonymity of this forum but I'm still falling asleep and waking up in tears. I love her so very much and I want to save our M and keep our family together. I want to take whatever approach is most likely to yield that result. Right now I feel really confused. I was doing OK when I thought there was hope but I don't feel so much hope lately.

And yes I told HER I was done 10 months ago and walked out. She moved on with her life so it's all my fault. I put her through pain that she had no choice but endure and it went on for many months until she found some peace. I've only had my revelation for less than 2 months and I even have a choice, kind of.

I'm having such a hard time standing by watching W see other man. It makes a deep sad whole in my heart when I know they're together. This weekend she was at a memorial for OM best friend. He died on a motorcycle with alcohol involved. OM and these friends are completely different from me and the people we called friends in the past. It all adds so much confusion. When I first found out I questioned how she ended up with such a different crowd of people and she played the prejudice card on me, fair enough (that's for you A&K) but it's really the dramatic change that gets me. I bring all of this up because maybe I'm just jealous and my ego is driving me without accounting for what I did and giving her a fair chance. If that is so I need some advice because my ego is still causing me panic attacks and tears almost daily. I have managed to keep my composure with her now for several weeks.

So why did she agree to hold off on the disillusion if I agreed to stop hassling her about seeing OM? Does she have any hope for us? Did she not want to deal with the pain right now? Did she think it would be better to wait until I was less upset so things would be easier to settle?

How can I keep going? I need guidance.