Hi friends, Thank you for your kind words and input. This really is a wonderful community of people who understand each other's pain, struggles, and little successes along the way. One day at a time, one foot in front of another. I thank you for your support.
So if I logged in and updated last night, I would have written all in caps that I was FEELING DONE (at the time at least, feel different now). I was thinking about the ultimatum thing, about not 'being used' setting boundardies, GAL and all that we've been talking about here. While he has not been using me for anything across past couple months (car, money etc) - he's been away - he's also not giving me the respect of a husband, or even a friend for that matter. How long am I going to put up with this, I was thinking to myself? I WANT and DESERVE a husband who will not walk out when the going gets tough, who will remain committed to his wife, who will work through challenges with me, who will sleep in the same bed w me at night (he did not for several months before moving out). I was thinking of all his FB pictures and updates.. "H is off to Costa Rica.." "H is hungover again on a Tuesday.." and something my cousin said about how it's like he's blasting his freedom and independence in my face, and how it's downright disrespectful.
It really darn hurts. Then I thought about the comment made above from the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it..." and how often times men act out out of shame... and then i feel some compassion for H, like he's acting out to prove himself, etc. But that does not excuse his behavior.
And then I thought, just what if I stood up to him and said "I do love you..I am committed to you...but I want a H who will not walk out, who will work through tough times, who will be a partner to me..." You have just walked out. I deserve better than this. I guess it's bordering on ultimatum..and I'm not at point yet of doing this. But how long do I wait? He might frankly be just a coward and waiting for me to step up and talk paperwork...I wouldn't be surprised if he's just waiting for me to do that. Or it might mean something to him that i'm not going to wait around forever. I know I can try to move on whether D is in the works or not, so part of me is, why push it...the other part is like, this is NOT a marriage...it has been 8 months! I want a real H who can sit down and deal.
So I respond to his text 2 days ago "I'm doing great, thanks. How is L.A.?" No response from him. He's not even being a friend to me, doesn't even have the decency to reply. He doesn't even tell me when he gets back from CA. He is seemingly just not wanting to deal.
So I was feeling angry last night, and cried a lot, then woke up this a.m. just missing him. I do deserve better than an absent H. I understand I contibuted A LOT to where we are, and I have owned up to all of that. But he's not doing his half, at all.
In some ways reading the "how to improve your marraige book" helps to understand male/female issue/perspectives better (if only i had a year ago!) but it also makes me really sad b/c I realize our issues are solveable. Wish he'd read before he'd throw in the towel. I almost want to bring up the conversation but then I don't. I know I need to stay away from R talks when we see each other, I know that...the issue is if I don't i don't think he will either. It may be status quo for awhile. Argh!!
He could be seriously dating another woman and done w me, or just playing the field. I have NO IDEA....that's what's so hard...I know I should not let him get to me, I shouldn't even be thinking of him. I guess I need to just think/feel like it's really done and move on. I know ultimatum's are no good, but I deserve the respect of his civility/friendship at least...and he's rarely even checked in on me across the past several months (while i am here in our apt that i moved in when we moved to this city for HIM to go to school)...
