Divorce not busted 3

[Orich]

Now my family are calling me
asking me why w took them off her facebook friends list. I told them to ask her directly and see what her reaction is to them. She Is telly starting to piss me off. My family has been very good to her, even now.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Orich,

I know exactly what you're going through. My W and I are supposed to go to Retrouvaille Oct 16-18. Today, I just keep telling myself it's only another 6 more weeks...I can do it. Sara's and Sandi's advice is to be nice and cool. Don't do anything that can potentially make the situation worse. I can really tell my W is really starting to pull away. This may be the week she files for divorce...we'll see. If my W remains committed to going to Retro, it's for "last resort" purposes to ease her guilt about splitting up our family...just like your W.

Good luck and hang in there. Atleast your W put on her wedding ring. My W is starting to do some "house-cleaning" and I've noticed some "wedding keepsakes" in the trash. I'm feeling it like a 1-2 punch also.

Thanks,
LFH

[NoLongerHere]

Is asking her why she removed me from facebook now considered pursuing?

Yeah probably.

I recently exasperated said to my W, can you please add me back to your FB friends, she kind of laughed and said, I need that space for me right now. She said she wanted to avoid hurting my feelings if she posted something happy.

It's not worth it.

My W is wearing her band on the other hand now too. It sucks. I'm with you there.

[NoLongerHere]

Man, wedding stuff in the trash, that's cold.

Hang in there both of you guys.

[Sara]

One couple at my Retro session, the wife threw her rings from the car while driving. She showed off her new rings at the final Post session. I saw them again last week, 2.5 years later, volunteering as Greeters at a Retro session.

[Orich]

Thanks, Sara, I needed to hear that.

[Orich]

W has been complaining of stomach pain and bad cramps relating to her monthly cycle. Yesterday she went to lunch and a movie with her sister and friend and told me afterwards it was painful to eat. Later I asked if she could eat dinner and she said no. I cooked for me and the boys. She said she is making an appointment with her gynocologist. I am having a hard time determining how much to empathize for her or help her. SHe has always had a hard time physically and mentally during these times, in fact, her gynocologist is one of the doctors who felt she needed to be on an anti-depressant. She is always moody having severe mood swings. Just yesterday she was one minute all sweet and playing with my younger son, and then literally flying off the handle yelling at him for something trivial. Her mood swing could explain her removing me and my family from her facebook. When they started calling me asking why she removed them, I said to ask her directly, see how she explains it to them, not through me. We'll see how that goes.
Anyway, today is my first day back to work after my week long vacation with my boys. It is going to be a rough day. I am tired and feeling pretty low, and I am supposed to work overtime today.
I brought my bible in today, I am reading the book of Job. I hope to get something out of that.
Oh, and another thing, last night my brother called me to tell me he had been removed from her facebook, and also just to catch up. He called my cell, W heard it and said what is that? I told her it was my phone and then answered it. I talked to him for twenty minutes. She was in the kitchen, I was in the living room. When I was done, I passed through the kitchen and told W I was going to bed. She said OK. I think she was curious who was on the phone, but regardless, I didn't offer any information. This is part of detaching for me because I always would tell her who I was on the phone with automatically just as habit.

[MrBond]

O,

I think the main reason why your W is doing all this is because she is slowly checking herself out. Retrouvaille may be her reaction to finally saying that it's over. The thing is that it's not going to be a "miracle" unless both parties at least have a slight desire of wanting to work things out.

You haven't detached or let her go. I think she totally feels the clinginess. My sitch is the opposite of yours. My W has said she never wanted to go to any sort of retreat or counseling, yet she has improved our communications, started becoming more interactive with me and the family and has made more plans for the future. While we have to intimacy yet, she and I talk in bed and can even joke around.

A couple of weeks ago when she was off on one of her mood swings, I wrote a lengthy email (you can read it in my thread) and called her on it. I told her that I wasn't going to be further disrespected by her.

The thing is, I got her close enough that I felt comfortable to do that. I did all the "attracting" her back and then felt a little "stuck". So I decided to do something different. I told her what was on my mind and for her to own up to her sh*t.

I think you need to do that here. I think you haven't detached enough and done anything for yourself. You are still watching her and I think when she turns you down, you look disappointed which creates pressure in the form of guilt for her. So obviously she wants to get away.

Do something different. What is the opposite of what you've been doing so far? See how that might affect her.

[Orich]

Stuck,
I get so many mixed signals from her that I don't know which tactic to take. Most times she is non-communicative and even kinda avoids me. Yet once in a while she will start to talk to me out of the blue about nothing. She used to always make eye-contact with me when she was talking on the phone like I was part of the conversation. SHe rarely does that now, but again, once in a while she will.
That first thing you wrote scares me because you could be right. The thing with the facebook really threw me. I haven't said anything because I am waiting for our Retrouvaille weekend. Some of my family who were removed said they will ask her why she did it. She will have to directly answer them.
You are right, I haven't fully detached. She still makes me angry and upset.
I want to communicate more, but I am afraid of pursuing. I want to know where she is right now about us. A few weeks ago she said she didn't want to hurt me, now it seems like she is intentionally hurting me. It really feels like something happened between then and now, and I would like to know what. She feels my parents are avoiding her and not babysitting like they used to. She said they will sit when she is going to IC, or MC or something related, but won't sit when she wants to go out with her friends. She is partly right, but instead of talking about it she holds it in and then makes a comment while talking about something else.
She is cutting herself off from my family, and they more than anything want to have her back in their lives. She won't be convinced of this mainly because she won't talk about it, and I am not pushing the issue because it might be pursuing. It is maddening, really.
I was off last week, so I went out a couple of nights. Otherwise it is difficult to go out, I have to be up at 4, and weekends we still spend together as a family and I don't want to break that up.
I try not to show any emotion to her at all.
The only thing that I think would be different or opposite would seem almost vindictive. Going out without telling her where, not being home when she gets home or something. I honestly don't know what to do right now. She has stated a few weeks ago that she didn't want to break up the family. I guess what I am hoping is that if the Retro weekend helps her to open up a little bit and begin talking, we can start trying to repair the M.
I don't contact her anymore at work unless it has to do with the kids. I will continue not contacting her. THis week I will be going to the gym at night again. SHe continues going to her IC who I believe is urging her to move on. But again, she won't discuss it with me.

[Orich]

Sara (or anyone)
Is she "checking out" like stuck says? Is this going to effect the Retro weekend? Should I do LRT right now? Should I wait to do anything until after the weekend? I haven't said anything about the facebook thing, and I have tried to convince her that my family is not trying to alienate her. I am still trying to detach and I think I am doing better than before. I could use a little more insight here.
Thank you.