UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Nice to see you over this side, Rabbit! Yes, your H and mine sound like alien-clones right now!!

My counsellor asked me today how life would be if H does not ever return and I almost lost it but when I regained my composure, I had to say that life would still go on ... it would be uncertain, unappetising and unappealing and an overwhelming experience for me but I had to admit that in doing what I am currently doing in starting to detach, I have got stronger and so would undoubtedly manage to get by. It's not palatable, of course, but the strong words from Gucci Loafer and the massive support from the ladeez, who are my buddies here have made me realise that what I do, I have to do for myself now - not my H. I just wish that I could have faced up to this before I left it so long and I urge anyone that can, to do so.

Inside, I am still struggling like h*ll and wanting my H to come home, every single minute of every single day. What I have learned though is to take the baby steps and set small mile-markers for myself. If I can make it through one day, I can make it through another.

My big goal at the moment is to remain dark for one month - this is a day by day, week by week process and I am hoping that H will break the silence before then but when and if I do reply, it has to be in a way that tells him that I am holdling the reigns and we will dance to my tune.

If he does not join in, I am already hatching my LRT - Last Resort Technique. Anyhow, more of what we know to be working and stop what we known which is not. Learn a few mantras - they help!

People here become like your family and I find myself sitting in bed sometimes thinking, "I must get up now and see how Oz, JCJ, Cas and Rabbit are doing" ... we get wrapped up in one another and that is a good thing. We are living each others pain in our own unique ways but the bottom line is all the same - we are hurting, our H's mostly have ow (does yours - are you sure?) and we all want to be reconciled with the men that we love. Surely, that's the biggest bond between us and if we can help each other up each rung of this hideously tall ladder, then we will have done something good for woman-kind and we will all reap our rewards, wherever it is that we can enjoy them the most. (Chocolate Heaven sounds OK to me)!!