She sent an email first thing in the Sat morning claiming she never got the voice mail and just saw the emai. She then called tellingthe boys she never got the call or voicemail message. In my head I was saying cut the crap but my 3 year old told her we were still sleeping and they would talk later and hung up
I sent her an email reply letting her know that we called and left the message and I sent an email since it alerts her cell phone as well. She replied back we need to discuss. I replied about what. She replied the calling thing. I replied back asking her to elaborate on what there was to discuss but she never replied nor called to discuss
It was crappy out so my 3 year old asked about going to chucky cheese so we did. She called while we were there. My 3 year old didn't want to talk to her so my 7 year old talked to her. She asked him what happened with my phone (I don't think she believed me). He told her how we were at beat buy for 3 hours and left with it still not working right
The she asked about picking him up early on Sun and he said he and I still needed to talk about it. Then he said he didn't want to talk anymore and my 3 year old didn't want to talk at all so he hung up
Later in the afternoon she called to ask me to pay a $18 bill, meanwhile I just paid $1100 monthly tuition bill for my 3 year old. I wanted to bitch her out but my 7 year old was listening. I just told her to let me take a look at it
When I hung up, he asked why mommy doesn't pay for any of the bills. I just told him that we're trying to figure it out an he didn't have I worry about it. I told him that if she didn't take care of the bills I would figure our how to pay them.
We had a good time playing video games while my 3 year old was napping
I told him I know it was important to him to have some one on one time with his mom but the time I spend with him and his brother was very important to me as well. I only see them 3 days a week and when school starts it will be 2 days. So I asked if he could try and gave one on one time with his mom on her days. He thought about it for a few minutes and said that he wanted to stay with me on Sun.
When his bother woke up we went for a bike ride at the park and then got home and played basketball and baseball before dinner. We had a good dinner and the boys helped me clean the house and finish the laundry before reading books. Then we watched a video before they went to bed
I spent the evening talking with by friends and family till 2am
This morning my 7 year old asked if mommy was picking them up today. I said yes. He was sad as be said he wanted to spend more time at home
We did play soccer and go minature golfing (just the 3 of us). While my 3 year old was napping my 7 year old kicked my butt in hearts. So if anyone has any pointers I could use them
My friend called to see if I wanted him and his wife to help with the transition again. I asked them to come over just in case but would try it on my own tonite
I'm praying for strength and wisdom to make it through tonite. I still need to send her the email my lawyer suggested. Any more input in that will be helpful
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I think it's great that you're focusing on your boys so much...they need it! And you need it too! You keep doing a good job with those boys, and be the best father that you can possibly be with them. It'll be so good for them, and it'll be so good for you too! Hang in there, my man! Persistence and determination are omnipotent!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Here's the latest version. Decided to strip out as much of the emotion and get right to the point and avoid any relationship issues come into it.
Please let me know your thoughts as I need to send it out ASAP.
I am concerned that when I picked up our boys this past Thursday, Aug 27th and our boys were upset that they were told that I, their father, was doing bad things.
The damage brought upon us and our boys from the separation is already done, I am asking you to please avoid adding to their pain, suffering and confusion. I will continue to live up to my promise to protect our boys to the best of my ability, I hope that you will be able to do the same.
I am asking you to cease and desist in these activities which are not conducive to our children's well beings and state of mind.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
After my 3 year old woke up, we went out to play baseball in our backyard. Then I had to get them in to get their baths and dinner before their mother picked them up.
I was on the fence whether to do the transition or let my friends do it. During dinner, my 7 year old said how he wanted me to wave goodbye at the driveway like I used. So that made up my mind for me, that I would step up and just do it.
My friends came over about 30 minutes before she was suppose to pick them up. My boys had a lot of fun showing off in front of them.
When she came to pick them up, I think she was surprised that I answered the door. I looked her right in the eye and handed her their bags and asked her to check to make sure that everything was there and that the boys would be out in a few minutes.
I then walked out with the boys and my 3 year old asked her why she had to pick them up today. She responded that she wanted to see them too. He said that he didn't want to go with her.
I just picked him up and buckled him into his car seat and gave him enough hugs and kisses to last till Thurs. I then went over to my 7 year old's side and did the same. I told them both that I would see them on the computer tomorrow nite (with skype).
I then handed her the check for my 3 year old's day care as well as the bill for my 7 year old's before/after care. She had been paying them up until the summer when she got tight on money so I said I would pay for them but when I lost my job, we cut his camp down to minimal since I could hang out with him.
Now that school is starting, his before/after care program is picking up. So I figured if she was worried about me paying an $18 bill, thought I would let her pay for her bills again.
It must have upset her as she pulled out of the driveway so fast, that the boys barely had time to roll down the window to wave goodbye.
Now it seems like we're not in a good place - it's clearly heading down the divorce train. I still can't imagine her as my wife ever again, but a couple of things my boys said to me during dinner really is making me think. My 3 year old asked when would the 4 of us do something together again. I told him that right now mommy is not coming home so when the 3 of us is together, it is just the 3 of us. My 7 year old then said his wish would be the 4 of us would stay together forever. I told him the same thing I told the 3 year old.
I just don't want to give them false hope.
Now, I know my boys want us back together. She hasn't made any move to show any remorse or regret or ask for forgiveness. I was talking to Stronger and she had mentioned that it could be that she doesn't believe I would accept it as the last time I talked to her about this was when I confronted her and I was really mad.
So how do I extend something to open that door while retaining my own dignity and self respect considering what she had done in cheating on me as well as the cruel way she has handled it the past 7 months????? Right now I don't want her back but it's what my boys wish for more than anything else right now. So, if I would die for my children, why couldn't I do this for them.....
Any thoughts?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
You could suggest that she attend a Retrouvaille weekend with you to see if you could improve your communication. Weekends are listed on their website, www.helpourmarriage.org.
I'm shaking my head and laughing about this. She "de-friended" me from her facebook page
Guess it's really over
LOL
Talk about childish......
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Hi confused. My W just took me and my family off her friends list on facebook. We are still living together. We are going to Retrouvaille in 2 weeks. It may be the last effort.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
The problem is - what's there to talk about? Then again, that has always been the problem.
I don't want to be where we are at. I'm not sure how I feel about her any more. I know I don't trust her as she has violated our commitment to each other, not just with one person, but with multiples. When I see her, I don't recognize her as the woman I married. I don't even like the person she is.
Funny - that is what she had said to me over the past several months. I never understood how she could feel that way and have been trying to regain her trust and rebuild the "attraction/feelings". I thought we were making progress until I uncovered the truth. Even as we were "dating", she was actively pursuing others.
So do I tell her that I feel that she ripped my soul from me and crushed my heart? I know I can't do it without breaking down and crying and that is not a satisfaction that I will give her. I have cried enough in front of her.
So I go back to it, what is left to say beyond what I want to send to her in the email I posted?
I do know that I had loved her like I had never thought I could love someone. I know I wasn't the perfect husband, but I did love, honor and cherish her the best that I knew how. I had never violated our vows. She has broken her promise. I know she felt the same, as she felt that I broke my promise as I did not love, honor and cherish her.
I accept that mistake on my part. That does not excuse nor justify what she did when she started cheating nor the torture she put me through.
How do I look into the eyes that I used stare into or kiss the lips, knowing all that she has done.
Then again, she hasn't made any move to show any remorse or ask for forgiveness.
So perhaps we are in a stalemate. Or perhaps we are both heading down the path we have to. Or I'm afraid to make the wrong decision so I'm doing nothing.
I don't know. All my friends, family and therapist is pushing me to just move on (FIDO). Especially since she hasn't made any move other wise.
Stronger did suggest that she hasn't made any move otherwise as I haven't created an enviornment that she would feel safe to do otherwise.
I just don't know. Seems like I haven't known for sometime now.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
C - This is where you really find out what your made of. So far you are showing that you are strong and can handle adversity. To be able to look past what she did and how she hurt you is not easy. But is necessary if you truly want to be with her again someday. The reason she is not showing any remorse or guilt is because she CANT possibly start to FEEL the GUILT or HURT that she has caused you and the boys. She needs to keep "DEMONIZING" you in order to JUSTIFY what she has done.
As hard as it is. Just continue to be nice and ACT like nothing she says or does is effecting you. If you do this then you will FORCE everything back on her. Eventually she will have to accept what is happening and what she has done. Whatever you do DONT "get in the mud" with her. When she starts blaming you for everything and trying to justify her actions just RESPECTFULLY SHUT her down.
Keep on doing what your doing. When you see her just keep on being nice, but dont let her TREAD on any of your BOUNDARIES. You will take CONTROL of your interactions and she will not know what to do. At first she will be pissed and try to get you to ENGAGE. DONT... just stay calm and tell her to talk to your lawyer. If she was ever going to apologize that would bring it out. If she is too far gone to ever FORGIVE you in her mind and can JUSTIFY ALL her ACTIONS. Then FOR NOW it is OVER.
I dont think she would even consider the Retro right now and wouldnt even suggest it. She knows how you felt all along. She might be thinking that you DONT EVER want anything to do with her again. But that is good. You dont want her to think she has any POWER over you right now. If she wants out make her work for it. Just protect yourself. Keep all records. It could get messy.
