WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling

After my 3 year old woke up, we went out to play baseball in our backyard. Then I had to get them in to get their baths and dinner before their mother picked them up.

I was on the fence whether to do the transition or let my friends do it. During dinner, my 7 year old said how he wanted me to wave goodbye at the driveway like I used. So that made up my mind for me, that I would step up and just do it.

My friends came over about 30 minutes before she was suppose to pick them up. My boys had a lot of fun showing off in front of them.

When she came to pick them up, I think she was surprised that I answered the door. I looked her right in the eye and handed her their bags and asked her to check to make sure that everything was there and that the boys would be out in a few minutes.

I then walked out with the boys and my 3 year old asked her why she had to pick them up today. She responded that she wanted to see them too. He said that he didn't want to go with her.

I just picked him up and buckled him into his car seat and gave him enough hugs and kisses to last till Thurs. I then went over to my 7 year old's side and did the same. I told them both that I would see them on the computer tomorrow nite (with skype).

I then handed her the check for my 3 year old's day care as well as the bill for my 7 year old's before/after care. She had been paying them up until the summer when she got tight on money so I said I would pay for them but when I lost my job, we cut his camp down to minimal since I could hang out with him.

Now that school is starting, his before/after care program is picking up. So I figured if she was worried about me paying an $18 bill, thought I would let her pay for her bills again.

It must have upset her as she pulled out of the driveway so fast, that the boys barely had time to roll down the window to wave goodbye.

Now it seems like we're not in a good place - it's clearly heading down the divorce train. I still can't imagine her as my wife ever again, but a couple of things my boys said to me during dinner really is making me think. My 3 year old asked when would the 4 of us do something together again. I told him that right now mommy is not coming home so when the 3 of us is together, it is just the 3 of us. My 7 year old then said his wish would be the 4 of us would stay together forever. I told him the same thing I told the 3 year old.

I just don't want to give them false hope.

Now, I know my boys want us back together. She hasn't made any move to show any remorse or regret or ask for forgiveness. I was talking to Stronger and she had mentioned that it could be that she doesn't believe I would accept it as the last time I talked to her about this was when I confronted her and I was really mad.

So how do I extend something to open that door while retaining my own dignity and self respect considering what she had done in cheating on me as well as the cruel way she has handled it the past 7 months????? Right now I don't want her back but it's what my boys wish for more than anything else right now. So, if I would die for my children, why couldn't I do this for them.....

Any thoughts?