The beauty of GAL is - if you walk the walk and talk the talk long enough, you eventually begin to really feel ok if he stays or goes. Showing H that you will be happy either way is one benefit. It will make him look at what he is losing by getting a D. The other benefit is, your life is fullfilling for you no matter what he does.
And setting boundaries is tricky. Doing it without ultimatums is the key. I'm working on that myself (if you check out my thread). It's a fine line but it can have an effect.
Hi friends, Thank you for your kind words and input. This really is a wonderful community of people who understand each other's pain, struggles, and little successes along the way. One day at a time, one foot in front of another. I thank you for your support.
So if I logged in and updated last night, I would have written all in caps that I was FEELING DONE (at the time at least, feel different now). I was thinking about the ultimatum thing, about not 'being used' setting boundardies, GAL and all that we've been talking about here. While he has not been using me for anything across past couple months (car, money etc) - he's been away - he's also not giving me the respect of a husband, or even a friend for that matter. How long am I going to put up with this, I was thinking to myself? I WANT and DESERVE a husband who will not walk out when the going gets tough, who will remain committed to his wife, who will work through challenges with me, who will sleep in the same bed w me at night (he did not for several months before moving out). I was thinking of all his FB pictures and updates.. "H is off to Costa Rica.." "H is hungover again on a Tuesday.." and something my cousin said about how it's like he's blasting his freedom and independence in my face, and how it's downright disrespectful.
It really darn hurts. Then I thought about the comment made above from the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it..." and how often times men act out out of shame... and then i feel some compassion for H, like he's acting out to prove himself, etc. But that does not excuse his behavior.
And then I thought, just what if I stood up to him and said "I do love you..I am committed to you...but I want a H who will not walk out, who will work through tough times, who will be a partner to me..." You have just walked out. I deserve better than this. I guess it's bordering on ultimatum..and I'm not at point yet of doing this. But how long do I wait? He might frankly be just a coward and waiting for me to step up and talk paperwork...I wouldn't be surprised if he's just waiting for me to do that. Or it might mean something to him that i'm not going to wait around forever. I know I can try to move on whether D is in the works or not, so part of me is, why push it...the other part is like, this is NOT a marriage...it has been 8 months! I want a real H who can sit down and deal.
So I respond to his text 2 days ago "I'm doing great, thanks. How is L.A.?" No response from him. He's not even being a friend to me, doesn't even have the decency to reply. He doesn't even tell me when he gets back from CA. He is seemingly just not wanting to deal.
So I was feeling angry last night, and cried a lot, then woke up this a.m. just missing him. I do deserve better than an absent H. I understand I contibuted A LOT to where we are, and I have owned up to all of that. But he's not doing his half, at all.
In some ways reading the "how to improve your marraige book" helps to understand male/female issue/perspectives better (if only i had a year ago!) but it also makes me really sad b/c I realize our issues are solveable. Wish he'd read before he'd throw in the towel. I almost want to bring up the conversation but then I don't. I know I need to stay away from R talks when we see each other, I know that...the issue is if I don't i don't think he will either. It may be status quo for awhile. Argh!!
He could be seriously dating another woman and done w me, or just playing the field. I have NO IDEA....that's what's so hard...I know I should not let him get to me, I shouldn't even be thinking of him. I guess I need to just think/feel like it's really done and move on. I know ultimatum's are no good, but I deserve the respect of his civility/friendship at least...and he's rarely even checked in on me across the past several months (while i am here in our apt that i moved in when we moved to this city for HIM to go to school)...
Another thought re-reading Deep's comments (very helpful thank you), in some ways I feel like H is getting away w murder/anything..while not blantantly 'using me' he is totally disrespecting our marriage/vows/everything by just totally ignoring me, my presence, going on w his life as if i am not a part of it - without facing up to or having the courage to ask for a D. That is not a H. But if I say that he may just say the 'ok, we're done..' But it's not right what he's doing either...I feel between a rock and a hard place sometimes. I don't want to push him away more, but whenever I think what he's doing it seems like utter disrespect while I still am his wife.
Those are questions you have to sort through, but right now he's not capable of being the H you married. So, let it go and just focus on yourself.
What are you doing to stay busy, to treat yourself well and GAL? Specifically, what are your plans for the week to take the focus off of H and onto yourself?! Set some ST goals and make it happen. You'll feel better and spend less energy thinking about what H is doing, what he says/does on FB, why he is treating you so bad, etc. I understand the feelings, but let's work on getting you busy so you don't think so much about H. He doesn't deserve this much energy from you right now.
hhh I'm so sorry you are hurting. There really are no words. The best you can do is do for you right now and what's going to happen is going to happen. Your H's fog lifts and he realizes the life with you wasn't so damn bad after all. Or he makes the biggest mistake of his life..... So work on you and learn as much as you can and keep moving forward.
Another thought re-reading Deep's comments (very helpful thank you), in some ways I feel like H is getting away w murder/anything..while not blantantly 'using me' he is totally disrespecting our marriage/vows/everything by just totally ignoring me, my presence, going on w his life as if i am not a part of it - without facing up to or having the courage to ask for a D. That is not a H. But if I say that he may just say the 'ok, we're done..' But it's not right what he's doing either...I feel between a rock and a hard place sometimes. I don't want to push him away more, but whenever I think what he's doing it seems like utter disrespect while I still am his wife.
HHH, I don't know your situation but I can share this. I walked away from my W almost a year ago. Depression + MLC + years of M going down hill = PA and me saying things I later realized I didn't mean. After 10 months of healing I woke up. Nothing or no one could have talked any sense into me when I was in the midst of everything. I was not myself. We are still married but W has moved on with her life and is seeing OM. Good chance our M is lost forever but I hang on to a little hope.
Point is, I was not myself when I did the things I did. It's not an excuse because I still own it. Hopefully it might help you look at your sitch with objectivity.
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 08/31/0902:07 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Stronger, Mtn, Red Sox !), Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Y'know, I had been feeling much better past few weeks focusing on GAL, spending time w friends, tending to my appearance and exercising, busy w work, going to church a lot, reading. I was feeling better and more confident. GAL is great and it helps...as does focusing on yourself...but then you get to a time where you want to share that with someone else...I mean I have tried to be good to myself and make ME a better person, but it feels good to give love to another, and i want to share myself with someone (preferably H)..maybe i'm just feeling a little sad and lonely right now for that kind of companionship (not just any man, but H) even though I have many wonderful friends. I feel better when I am loving towards others, which is why sending H a kind email seems attractive option at times (like it makes me feel better to be good to him), but know he might see that as pursuing.
Thanks so much RSF for your/male perspective. I try to see his side and the 'fog' he is in. He feels very entitled right now. Did you ever push for/bring up D with your wife? The weird thing is H has just walked out but does not seem like he's pursuing D...it's like he may be waiting for me to or something, I have no idea.
The other thing I've been thinking about, is 'try something different' i've been very easy/acquising w him, then telling him i was committed/asking for retrouvaille.. and part of me is contemplating a different tactic, that of actually standing up to him.. just something I'm chewing on for now. it'll take me awhile to do it, and part of me wants to let go and see where cards fall, other part wants to stand up and say, yes you know how I feel, let's either TALK/deal w this or I will in fact move on (not totally there yet, but in my head monologue i was last night).
I am having dinner w girlfriend tonite, then I go back to CA on Weds to be with family and a friends wedding this weekend...I will be around a lot of old friends this weekend, and will have fun..i always do w them.
The 2 retrov. sessions I was looking at are sept 11 (boston) and 18 (hartford) and timing is making me nervous b.c it's only chance we have now...but if he's not really engaging me at all it seems silly to press for this now.
Will focus on myself and friends more this week, will try.. Thanks friends, thank you from botton of my heart! -hhh
red sox - so if your wife threatened D at that time (when you walked out or during your separation) where you in such a 'fog' that you would have just divorced her, or do you think that would have woken you up?
Thanks so much RSF for your/male perspective. I try to see his side and the 'fog' he is in. He feels very entitled right now. Did you ever push for/bring up D with your wife? The weird thing is H has just walked out but does not seem like he's pursuing D...it's like he may be waiting for me to or something, I have no idea.
Well, you really don't know what he's thinking, if he's thinking anything at all. My wife and I agreed when I left that we'd go forward with a disillusion. That we were agreeable and we both always put kids first so it would be no problem. Neither of us pursued it any further for the next 10+ months. I realize in hindsight that I never really wanted it. I have no idea why she didn't pursue it. When I asked her to save our marriage she was caught off guard, OM put pressure on her to D me. Right now, she has agreed not to pursue it if I stop hassling her about seeing OM. Obviously only a temporary solution.
Originally Posted By: hhh
The other thing I've been thinking about, is 'try something different' i've been very easy/acquising w him, then telling him i was committed/asking for retrouvaille.. and part of me is contemplating a different tactic, that of actually standing up to him..
About the time I had realized i wanted to approach my wife about getting back together I learned from my kids that there was OM. It happened really fast by W's account and certainly mine. I went into full-time anxiety attack, lost 20 pounds, begged, cried you name it. A real threat of losing her put the fear of god in me in a way nothing had before. Before that I was taking my own sweet time. She tried every kind tactic in the world. I didn't/couldn't hear any of it. So two planets aligned 1) I was mentally and emotionally ready and 2) The real fear of losing her presented itself.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Hi H, Just checking in & hope you are feeling better today. Sounds like a rough weekend. I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could be more helpful but reading the replies here I think you are getting top notch advice. I am learning from them as well. Please hang in, as I am telling myself the same thing. It's just so hard to get your mind around it, I can't believe I've been separated now for 5 mos.
Originally Posted By: RedSoxFan
[quote=hhh]Thanks so much RSF for your/male perspective. I try to see his side and the 'fog' he is in. He feels very entitled right now. Did you ever push for/bring up D with your wife? The weird thing is H has just walked out but does not seem like he's pursuing D...it's like he may be waiting for me to or something, I have no idea.
I am no expert but this seems to be a positive sign for your M, as at the very least he is not pressing a D. Small comfort I know! I have the opposite problem - H is acting very sure & push push pushing to move on it now. It certainly is true we can't control what WAS does. I too am trying to figure out my boundaries right now. My DB coach asked, if you knew he was having an A, would that change your DB goals? I always thought that would be the end, but I really had to think about it. It makes you crazy! Anyway I am grateful for this board & you & all the other helpful supportive folks on it. Your weekend plans sound fun, please enjoy! You totally deserve it, and to be treated with respect and dignity. Wishing you peace, LFA
