New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

Today I started out by trying to get some lawn mowed before it rained. Unsuccessful at more than a few turns, I went back inside and my H had just gotten up.

He wanted to talk more about the wedding. What was up with going outside, did I really need to do that? Lets just say he didn't ask in a nice way.

I reminded him that I've learned to control my emotions and part of that is sometimes going off by myself to gain control. I then said that his face had registered contempt for my doing that, though I really and truly just wanted to go out by myself for a little bit. And, I added, no one knew we were separated and you made sure to tell me you wanted to spend time with YOUR family.

In that environment they were my family and welcomed me as family. And if he really just wanted me to play along and not really enjoy myself at the wedding or with spending time with him that he should have clued me in. I am a human being with worth and value and feelings and I probably would not have gone to the wedding.

He said that he asked me to come. He wanted me to come. Why couldn't I have just spent the time and not made it about pressuring him? I said I asked you one time to dance and I was fine with you saying no. Then he brought up what I said at the ceremony.

I said fair enough. Maybe I should have thought it but not said it. But I did mean everything I said. We both have feelings and none of them are right or wrong. Feelings just are.

It started to degenerate and he actually brought up what the priest said. He said he had always tried to treat me as a queen and do everything for me. That he gave me everything. I agreed that he had indeed done that for me and that I would make him my king.

When he started to calm down I said why is there such a strong reaction to all of this? He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

I said, honey, nothing I said was said to make you feel guilty. I don't feel you should feel guilty. I told him he was a good and decent man. That he had been hurt. He did nothing wrong by leaving me because he was reacting to hurt he felt. While I wished he could tear down the walls and let his heart hear and feel what is in my heart, that I understood. No one else understands, but I understand and I know why you left.

I told him that I have grown so much and I am so much stronger. People in my family, specifically my mother, have told me I am pathetic for waiting for him. But I knew that this is our time and our chance. I asked what he would like me to do. He said it is your choice to listen to your mom or work on our friendship. He asked me what I wanted to choose.

He was crying at this point and I cried right along with him. I told him that I choose to him. I choose a chance at a future with him. I told him again and again that he was a good and decent man. I sat on his lap on the lounge chair and I stroked the side of his head while I told him he was a good man, there is no reason to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong until he actually fell asleep. I curled up to him and we slept in that spot for nearly an hour.

When he woke up he told me that he had to get going. I told him I understood. After he gathered his stuff together he held me and looked in my eyes. He reiterated that we have to start as friends right now and that it was the only way he would be comfortable.

I told him I understood. It isn't easy, but I never signed on for easy. He kissed me then. One more hug and then he turned to go. He called out over his shoulder that he would call me to get together and do dinner.

I said goodnight and then he was gone.

While it wasn't a complete melt-down I was still not happy with how it went on my end. I should not have said anything at the wedding, I shouldn't have asked him to dance, and I should have chosen my words more carefully today. The little bit of emotions I didn't control caused he and I pain.

Granted, I am human, I do fail, and I guess that is why I need to continue to learn and grow.