New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

Hey guys, I won 30 dollars at bingo. Not too shabby. Actually, I just got back what I spent and then a little more. It still felt good to holler.

[mindfull]

Way to go Wifey!!!

Whatcha gonna splurge on? LOL

Sounds fun!!

[The Wifey]

Maybe I'll go to Bingo tomorrow in the other town. Maybe I'll go out to breakfast. Or, maybe I'll be smart and put it back in the bank.

[K4D]

Cool. At least you had fun. Thats awesome.

Kevin

[The Wifey]

Journaling:

Most of this weekend we spent together. H came over on Friday and we watched part of a DVD set he bought. The next morning he went to his parent's to pick up his clothes for the wedding we were attending that evening for his cousin.

Everything was fine and dandy. Cool as a cucumber and just being in the moment. There were some rough patches just before and during the ceremony. H talked about how he wasn't really nervous before our wedding. I remarked I'd been nervous, but was ok once I arrived at the church.

Then during the ceremony I reached over and held his hand. I didn't say anything. I just held his hand. The priest talked about M and how to be happy. He said the W should treat her H like a king and the H should treat his W like a queen. Live your life to care for and love each other.

Now, I am normally a blubbery mess at any wedding I attend. H knows this and was a little nervous going together, even though he really wanted me to come. The cousins and extended family have no idea we are separated. We were just supposed to play it cool. It was pretty amazing actually, I got a few tears in my eyes, but no blubbering. I figured I was over the worst of it. Yeah for me.

Then, boo for me. My H looked over and said something about having good memories of us standing there on the altar just starting our lives together. In my (happy) shock, I whispered that I loved him, I was glad I had married him and I would do it all over again. Only, I would do it better.

He just looked at me, but he didn't say anything. He squeezed my hand twice, which used to be our secret signal that we agreed with each other without having to say it. It seemed like it was all good.

After that we just made small talk about how nice the ceremony was and how nice everyone looked. They had three flower girls and a total of 25 people in the wedding party. It was quite large.

Then we had a couple drinks, ate, and then enjoyed wedding cake and coffee. We enjoyed watching everyone else dancing. H held my hand and sat close beside me while we watched the dancing. It was really nice to just sit and enjoy things. We didn't talk much, just listened to the music. It was really nice.

At one point a really nice slow song came on and I asked him if he would like to dance. He should his head no, so I said that's ok. I do love you, anyway. (Veteran DB'er that I am, I bit my lip right after that. I know, I will take my ten lashes. It was just going so well and he hadn't said anything bad when I'd had my slip at the ceremony.) He pulled away like I'd hit him.

H said that I needed to just stop and not put pressure on him. I apologized and said that I really didn't mind not dancing. He was pretty much looking grumpy. So, I thought it best to just go for a little walk to get out of there gracefully.

I went and sat on a patio a little ways away and just took the time to find my calm place. It wasn't long before he came to find me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I'd thought it was a good idea if I just took a break so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

I really thought I was doing the right thing, right then, for me. H had a sneer on his face when he said that my sitting outside by myself was making him uncomfortable. What was his Mom going to think? I said that I was sure she would understand that I just walked outside for a break. He said we are going to go back in there and if my Mom asked, you went out to talk on the phone.

Honestly, I wanted to hit him for his insensitivity. I needed the break and I truly didn't want what was bothering him to ruin the evening. You could almost say his face looked like he had utter contempt. I reminded him that no one in that side of the family knew we were separated, and that as difficult as that is, that I was not going to ruin the evening. He said that he was enjoying the evening and now he would like to just go in and spend time with HIS family.

That hurt. I am a part of that family. No one knows we are separated on that side of the family, so I was greeted and welcomed as family. For all they knew, everything was normal.

I followed him back to the reception and then went and got diet soda's for both of us. I think when I went to the table his mother just thought I'd been to get drinks, not that it mattered a hill of beans. She knows the whole sitch, and she knows it isn't the easiest thing to act like things are normal.

The remainder of the evening we spoke to some of the relatives. When we were introduced to one of the cousin's wife my H said hello and who he was and then of me, he said and this is Kelly. Awkward moment and a very quizzical look on the part of the cousin. I said hello, I am his wife, K.

When we went back to the table H wanted to know what was up with that. I said that was an uncomfortable moment for me. No one knows of our separation, and you chose not to bring it up to anyone. So, when you introduce your wife as this is K, of course they are going to be confused. And, I was uncomfortable with how it had gone.

The remainder of the evening was quiet. We just watched people dance until it was time to go. I fell asleep in the car on the way home so we really didn't talk further.

[The Wifey]

Today I started out by trying to get some lawn mowed before it rained. Unsuccessful at more than a few turns, I went back inside and my H had just gotten up.

He wanted to talk more about the wedding. What was up with going outside, did I really need to do that? Lets just say he didn't ask in a nice way.

I reminded him that I've learned to control my emotions and part of that is sometimes going off by myself to gain control. I then said that his face had registered contempt for my doing that, though I really and truly just wanted to go out by myself for a little bit. And, I added, no one knew we were separated and you made sure to tell me you wanted to spend time with YOUR family.

In that environment they were my family and welcomed me as family. And if he really just wanted me to play along and not really enjoy myself at the wedding or with spending time with him that he should have clued me in. I am a human being with worth and value and feelings and I probably would not have gone to the wedding.

He said that he asked me to come. He wanted me to come. Why couldn't I have just spent the time and not made it about pressuring him? I said I asked you one time to dance and I was fine with you saying no. Then he brought up what I said at the ceremony.

I said fair enough. Maybe I should have thought it but not said it. But I did mean everything I said. We both have feelings and none of them are right or wrong. Feelings just are.

It started to degenerate and he actually brought up what the priest said. He said he had always tried to treat me as a queen and do everything for me. That he gave me everything. I agreed that he had indeed done that for me and that I would make him my king.

When he started to calm down I said why is there such a strong reaction to all of this? He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

I said, honey, nothing I said was said to make you feel guilty. I don't feel you should feel guilty. I told him he was a good and decent man. That he had been hurt. He did nothing wrong by leaving me because he was reacting to hurt he felt. While I wished he could tear down the walls and let his heart hear and feel what is in my heart, that I understood. No one else understands, but I understand and I know why you left.

I told him that I have grown so much and I am so much stronger. People in my family, specifically my mother, have told me I am pathetic for waiting for him. But I knew that this is our time and our chance. I asked what he would like me to do. He said it is your choice to listen to your mom or work on our friendship. He asked me what I wanted to choose.

He was crying at this point and I cried right along with him. I told him that I choose to him. I choose a chance at a future with him. I told him again and again that he was a good and decent man. I sat on his lap on the lounge chair and I stroked the side of his head while I told him he was a good man, there is no reason to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong until he actually fell asleep. I curled up to him and we slept in that spot for nearly an hour.

When he woke up he told me that he had to get going. I told him I understood. After he gathered his stuff together he held me and looked in my eyes. He reiterated that we have to start as friends right now and that it was the only way he would be comfortable.

I told him I understood. It isn't easy, but I never signed on for easy. He kissed me then. One more hug and then he turned to go. He called out over his shoulder that he would call me to get together and do dinner.

I said goodnight and then he was gone.

While it wasn't a complete melt-down I was still not happy with how it went on my end. I should not have said anything at the wedding, I shouldn't have asked him to dance, and I should have chosen my words more carefully today. The little bit of emotions I didn't control caused he and I pain.

Granted, I am human, I do fail, and I guess that is why I need to continue to learn and grow.

[Rob1231]

Hi KJ,

Don't kick yourself - I think you did very well. Weddings are incredibly emotional experiences and bring things to the surface that are tough to handle. Sure, saying ILY was pressure and it backfired - but you dealt with that OK too. Everybody makes mistakes from time to time, just dust yourself off and work on doing better next time.

You sound SO much stronger, more confident, and more in control of yourself & your life than the last time that I checked in around here. I'm very proud of you! Keep up the great work and be happy!

(((Hugs)))

[K4D]

I agree with Rob1231,

You are much stronger and a great person. We all take a lego off now and then, but then we put it back on. I think you are doing well. Your H is obviously still thinking about things. I think that is a positive that he is saying it needs to start as friends and then you can build from there. There is hope. Of course there is hope. God is going to rebuild that M for you and your H.

Don't get down on yourself. It takes time. Your H is contemplating things. It is on his mind. God is working on him. Keep up the praying and fasting and focusing on your school which starts today I believe. That is a good thing to be excited about.

I think it is great that your H also is planning on doing dinner with you.

There were positives that came out of this. Keep your chin up.

Kevin

[Coach]

H had a sneer on his face when he said that my sitting outside by myself was making him uncomfortable. What was his Mom going to think?

All his problems. You are not responsible for how he feels or what he thinks someone else might think (mindreading).

He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

Same issue. He feels what he feels. He feels guilty for a reason.

I said, honey, nothing I said was said to make you feel guilty.

Should have left it alone there.

I don't feel you should feel guilty. I told him he was a good and decent man. That he had been hurt. He did nothing wrong by leaving me because he was reacting to hurt he felt. While I wished he could tear down the walls and let his heart hear and feel what is in my heart, that I understood. No one else understands, but I understand and I know why you left.

I told him that I have grown so much and I am so much stronger. People in my family, specifically my mother, have told me I am pathetic for waiting for him. But I knew that this is our time and our chance. I asked what he would like me to do. He said it is your choice to listen to your mom or work on our friendship. He asked me what I wanted to choose.

He was crying at this point and I cried right along with him. I told him that I choose to him. I choose a chance at a future with him. I told him again and again that he was a good and decent man. I sat on his lap on the lounge chair and I stroked the side of his head while I told him he was a good man, there is no reason to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong until he actually fell asleep. I curled up to him and we slept in that spot for nearly an hour.

You just rescued him from his feelings, that's enabling behavior. Then you mothered him, men aren't attracted to women who mother them. It's not healthy for you either.

I should not have said anything at the wedding, I shouldn't have asked him to dance, and I should have chosen my words more carefully today. The little bit of emotions I didn't control caused he and I pain.

See this - you discount your emotions but you give him a pass on his. Can you see the dynamic? When you express your feelings he invalidated them because they cause him distress. You can't feel that way because of how it makes him feel. It's a coping/controlling technique that is dysfunctional as a adult. Who else does he do this to?

When he started to calm down I said why is there such a strong reaction to all of this? He said he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty and put a head trip on him. He feels bad enough and he just can't have me guilt tripping him.

You can handle it.

[mindfull]

Wifey:

Gosh, I can totally relate to this exchange.

You did the best you could... Could you have done better? Yes. Could you have done worse? Absolutely.

I understand the ability to control emotions. This could have gone really south. It didn't. It did turn around, mostly.

Give yourself a hug, and be proud that you were able to get through it without a meltdown. Weddings are incredibly tough!