New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

Journaling:

Most of this weekend we spent together. H came over on Friday and we watched part of a DVD set he bought. The next morning he went to his parent's to pick up his clothes for the wedding we were attending that evening for his cousin.

Everything was fine and dandy. Cool as a cucumber and just being in the moment. There were some rough patches just before and during the ceremony. H talked about how he wasn't really nervous before our wedding. I remarked I'd been nervous, but was ok once I arrived at the church.

Then during the ceremony I reached over and held his hand. I didn't say anything. I just held his hand. The priest talked about M and how to be happy. He said the W should treat her H like a king and the H should treat his W like a queen. Live your life to care for and love each other.

Now, I am normally a blubbery mess at any wedding I attend. H knows this and was a little nervous going together, even though he really wanted me to come. The cousins and extended family have no idea we are separated. We were just supposed to play it cool. It was pretty amazing actually, I got a few tears in my eyes, but no blubbering. I figured I was over the worst of it. Yeah for me.

Then, boo for me. My H looked over and said something about having good memories of us standing there on the altar just starting our lives together. In my (happy) shock, I whispered that I loved him, I was glad I had married him and I would do it all over again. Only, I would do it better.

He just looked at me, but he didn't say anything. He squeezed my hand twice, which used to be our secret signal that we agreed with each other without having to say it. It seemed like it was all good.

After that we just made small talk about how nice the ceremony was and how nice everyone looked. They had three flower girls and a total of 25 people in the wedding party. It was quite large.

Then we had a couple drinks, ate, and then enjoyed wedding cake and coffee. We enjoyed watching everyone else dancing. H held my hand and sat close beside me while we watched the dancing. It was really nice to just sit and enjoy things. We didn't talk much, just listened to the music. It was really nice.

At one point a really nice slow song came on and I asked him if he would like to dance. He should his head no, so I said that's ok. I do love you, anyway. (Veteran DB'er that I am, I bit my lip right after that. I know, I will take my ten lashes. It was just going so well and he hadn't said anything bad when I'd had my slip at the ceremony.) He pulled away like I'd hit him.

H said that I needed to just stop and not put pressure on him. I apologized and said that I really didn't mind not dancing. He was pretty much looking grumpy. So, I thought it best to just go for a little walk to get out of there gracefully.

I went and sat on a patio a little ways away and just took the time to find my calm place. It wasn't long before he came to find me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I'd thought it was a good idea if I just took a break so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

I really thought I was doing the right thing, right then, for me. H had a sneer on his face when he said that my sitting outside by myself was making him uncomfortable. What was his Mom going to think? I said that I was sure she would understand that I just walked outside for a break. He said we are going to go back in there and if my Mom asked, you went out to talk on the phone.

Honestly, I wanted to hit him for his insensitivity. I needed the break and I truly didn't want what was bothering him to ruin the evening. You could almost say his face looked like he had utter contempt. I reminded him that no one in that side of the family knew we were separated, and that as difficult as that is, that I was not going to ruin the evening. He said that he was enjoying the evening and now he would like to just go in and spend time with HIS family.

That hurt. I am a part of that family. No one knows we are separated on that side of the family, so I was greeted and welcomed as family. For all they knew, everything was normal.

I followed him back to the reception and then went and got diet soda's for both of us. I think when I went to the table his mother just thought I'd been to get drinks, not that it mattered a hill of beans. She knows the whole sitch, and she knows it isn't the easiest thing to act like things are normal.

The remainder of the evening we spoke to some of the relatives. When we were introduced to one of the cousin's wife my H said hello and who he was and then of me, he said and this is Kelly. Awkward moment and a very quizzical look on the part of the cousin. I said hello, I am his wife, K.

When we went back to the table H wanted to know what was up with that. I said that was an uncomfortable moment for me. No one knows of our separation, and you chose not to bring it up to anyone. So, when you introduce your wife as this is K, of course they are going to be confused. And, I was uncomfortable with how it had gone.

The remainder of the evening was quiet. We just watched people dance until it was time to go. I fell asleep in the car on the way home so we really didn't talk further.