Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

How do men manage to compartmentalize everything?!?!?!

[karen43]

When I said that, I was thinking from what you describe, your H has emotionally abused you. I think that can be as serious as alcohol or drugs or physical abuse if it continues long-term. I actually went through that myself, and I lost all self-confidence and became depressed.

I think you shouldn't allow your H to accuse you. Stop trying to defend yourself and try to convince him to trust you. It's a cheeseless tunnel and it's not working. If he is accusing you and/or being emotionally abusive, then tell him he needs to stop. If he doesn't then leave.

Ultimately, I think it would be hard to stay in a marriage where your spouse doesn't trust you. He needs to decide if he can trust you or not. If not, then I don't think you should live like that permanently. He's a social worker; he refuses counseling??? Karen

[brownidmom]

Yes, I do believe it is emotional abuse. He withholds all form of conversation except if it is about our 2 sons.

I have to admit that I am the one who usually brings up the R, the past, and tell him that he is wrong about his accusations. He always tells me, "You know what you have to do." Of course, he means that I need to give full disclosure about anything else I've done. I've already done that!

It is seriously driving me crazy that he either believes that I've done something else or that he is making it up to try and catch me in something.

There are times when I truly think I will be better off without H, but there are also times when I just look at him and melt, remembering all the great times when things were different. And of course, there is the fear of hurting the boys.

[karen43]

I have to admit that I am the one who usually brings up the R, the past, and tell him that he is wrong about his accusations. He always tells me, "You know what you have to do." Of course, he means that I need to give full disclosure about anything else I've done. I've already done that!

Well, stop doing that! Do you get good results when you do that?? It doesn't sound like it. So don't bring it up. If he brings it up, stop the conversation. Leave the room if he won't.

I know the fear about the kids being hurt, and I do believe D is not a good thing for them in most cases, but you can't be motivated by fear. You have to be strong, self-confident, and not allow him to abuse or disrespect you. That's not good for your kids to see either.

Karen

[brownidmom]

You're right, I know. I guess a lot of details get left out when you have so many. He doesn't yell or scream. He doesn't believe that raising voices is a good thing. I am always the one who does that out of frustration.

It is really just the distance he has created between us, making it impossible to have a healthy R in any way.

H did come back to our bed last night, said the couch was killing his back, even though we have a guest room with a Qbed in it.

We leave tomorrow to take the boys away for the rest of the week before school starts next week. I plan on just enjoying the time we will all get to spend together and watching my sons enjoy themselves.

[brownidmom]

Back from vacation, had a great time with the little fellas! H and I slept in the same bed the entire week, have had vacations where each one of us sleeps with one of the boys.

After 7 years, I am still not used to not being able to say whatever is on my mind for fear of the response I'll get, or lack thereof.

Tomorrow is the first day of school and my last day off before going back to work. I always take off the first day of school so I can make sure the boys get whatever they want for breakfast and I can take pics of them on their first day and then spend the day doing something with myself. I asked H if he was going back to work tomorrow (has his own business), said he would when he felt like it. I invited him to take me to the movies for a date. I just asked him what he was doing after he dropped the boys at school in the morning and he said he was coming back home, didn't respond to the invitation. I figure that I will ask tomorrow if he had decided to go with, and if not, I will just go alone and see a chick flick until time to get the boys from school and hear about their first day back. Poor S, 6, had a hard time going to sleep tonight, maybe some anxiety about starting back to school.

[Dia]

Hmm, you already gave him one chance at the movie. I'd say you don't need to offer a second chance. Pick a movie you'll love and just go.

(Asking twice is pursuing)

[brownidmom]

So, once I finished running my errands, both of the movies I wanted to see would have meant being late to pick the boys up from school, so the day didn't work out quite like I planned. I improvised by ordering a pay-per-view movie, Duplicity. It was very slow, just so-so. H sat next to me the whole movie but fell asleep less than halfway in. Still, I enjoyed watching a movie in the quiet.

The boys both had a great first day of school. Dinner and homework are all done and I have a hair appt. at 7pm.

Back to work tomorrow and not looking forward to it. I am blessed with a great job, I know that, but I really need to make a change but there is the fear of letting go of the $$ and making less than I am now, putting doubts in my head about "what if?"...H leaves and I need the $$...H tries to use the amount I gave up against me, etc. etc.

[brownidmom]

So, here's the thing...

I have a LOT going on right now, I realize that. I feel like I have to make sense and work on at least one of my issues right now.

1) I HATE the limbo that I am living in because there is never a way to get away from it. I have issues at my job and career change thoughts in mind that make it impossible for me to ever completely get it out of my mind. Part of me sometimes thinks I need to just ask him to leave, which I have done before, to no avail. He said it is his home and he will not leave. That said, he has gotten the app. for the apt. and took the boys with him to pick it up, but nothing else at this point. I'm guessing that someone must have told him that would be abandonment and would work against him in our state, because he certainly isn't changing his tune on continuing to believe nonsense that has never happened.

2) I am so ready for a career change, thinking of going back to school. Problem is, I make a great salary and I would need that kind of salary should H ever decide to leave. I am scared to walk away from it for a job that allows more flexibility while I go to school. Truth is, if our M was a good one, I would make a plan and walk away from my job in a second. I am just scared to risk leaving and then being left to raise 2 boys without a secure job with salary and benefits. Or worse, having to fight H for our sons while in that predicament.

There are days when I can't keep from crying, days I feel strong, and days I really just want somebody else to tell me what to do. I pray a lot, asking for guidance. I just don't know if my answers are coming from my own feelings, insecurities, or whether they are coming from God. I am not really able to be still enough to listen, I think.

PLEASE- any feedback is appreciated.

[brownidmom]

I could really use some advice, some correspondence from anyone with something to say... PLEASE if you have a moment or two