Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Whew! Where do I begin?

My H of almost 11 years appears to be making a break of sorts. Sorry if this all gets jumbled, really long story, but here goes...

We met 20 years ago in college, hit it off right away but I was in a place where I liked flirting and hanging out with lots of guys. He was just another cute guy at first. About 3 weeks in, I had a party at my apt., got drunk, and spent the night in my bed with my roommate's new boyfriend (she was out of town at the time). Fast forward about 4 days...my now H and I spent the entire night up talking and he said something that changed my life. The subject of sex came up and he said, "That's not what I want from you." At that moment, I was hooked. To that point, we had just kissed and talked. On that day, I knew this was the man for me, though only 19 at the time. We consummated the relationship soon thereafter but he had his suspicions about the OM and asked if something had happened between us. I lied and told him no. Over the years, from time to time, he would bring it back up again and I continued the lie. In my mind, it happened before I loved him and I knew it would end our relationship, as he became friendly with the OM after this.

At one point, 8 years in to our relationship, he told me that now was the time to tell him if something had happened. I started to tell him and when I admitted to even kissing the OM, now H lost it. TOld me he had placed me on such a pedestal, etc. So I stopped the story and said that was all that happened. next post

[brownidmom]

It was also during this time (8 years) that while we were living in different states and going through a really rough time that I kissed a guy I met. That evening was the night I met him and the only time I've ever seen him in my life.

Almost 7 years ago, when I was newly pregnant with 2nd S, H asked me the question again, if something had happened with OM. I was sick of lying, sick of being asked the same question over and over again. So I told the truth, a bout the OM and about the kiss. Life hasn't been the same since. Yes, we have gone through long periods of decent times, a few even good, but I can count on one hand how many times he has told me ILY and cannot begin the count the number of nights I have cried and agonized over the pain I caused him. Now, 7y later, he has been on the couch for almost 2 weeks and he looks at me with indifference in his eyes. Withholds affection from me, won't talk to me about anything at all of importance, discussions about the 2 boys only. About 6 weeks ago, H came home with app. for apt. and has been sitting on the counter ever since because I refuse to touch it.

I knew he was having hard time all along but H is emotionally abusive, saying that he will take the kids, tell his family that I had them fooled. I have been praying, reading books, haven't yet received DR.

Guess it is important to mention that the biggest thing is that H is convinced that there are other things I have done that I haven't admitted. WRONG!!! I came clean with every crush, thought, everything so I could show him I had faith and would do what I had to do to get him to trust me. Guess it backfired. He doesn't believe a word I say!

I have been lurking and reading your posts for a couple of weeks and finally decided that I want some advice, feedback, another perspective.

As I said, this is a 20 yr R, so a million more details will come out as we move on.

[Kimmie Lee]

Your h is abusing you. This is sick to beat you over the head for something so nothing that happened so long ago. He is looking for an excuse to leave or justify something that he is already doing.

[brownidmom]

Yes, we have 2 s, 8 & 6. Together 9 years before marrying, long distance relationship much of the time, family and other issues some of the time.

H has it in his head that I am still lying to him, says that he would never have married me if he had known the truth.

BTW, 2 y into our relationship, when we were broken up over the summer, he was with another w, had sex with her. TOld me a y later and it broke my heart, but I made the choice to forgive him because we weren't together at the time. Even so, I was never with anyone else.

[brownidmom]

So, here's a thin...I don't think he has another W on the side. I cannot discount a possible EA, nothing at all to base it on though. He spends a lot of time with the boys, has completely zoned out of our M. Two nights ago, H actually e-mailed me about our upcoming vacation plans while I was sitting less than 5 feet from him. I got to work and had an e-mail, absolutely positive we were sitting in the same room at the time he sent it.

He swears up and down that he KNOWS there is something more that I haven't confessed. For the longest time, I thought he was playing a game, trying to trick me into admitting something because it absolutely makes no sense.

Here's part of my dilemna~ I love H with all my heart, always will, but at this point, I just don't know if any of this DBing will work because it isn't based on boredom, growing apart, etc. H literally believes I am hiding something from him and the fact that I'm not means that the facts, my facts, will never change! I am not, will not, cannot, try to convince him any different any longer! I am sick of repeating it over and over~there is nothing else, this is the whole truth~ because those are the same words I said when I was still lying and I guess the same words coming out of my mouth pre-truth and post-truth are just that, ONLY WORDS.

If nothing else, I plan to use the books' practices to help make my life and my s' lives better, regardless of our circumstances.

I'l really appreciate some feedback.

[karen43]

If I understand correctly your H is upset about your involvement with another guy 20 years ago, when you were about 19 or 20, and before you were in a committed relationship with him. Is that correct?

If that is the case, then he is the one with a problem. He needs some counseling or something to deal with that. He's emotionally abusing you over that.

I think you should totally stop defending yourself over that. There is nothing to defend. It sounds like your H has trust & maybe other issues he needs to deal with or that will continue to cause problems. If he won't look into IC and/or MC, then maybe you should see an IC? I think an IC would help give you some perspective; it's hard sometimes to see our own sitch compared to someone else's. Karen

[brownidmom]

I was in IC for a while. When she told me that I was young enough to find true love again, I never went back.

I honestly don't believe that his issue is with what I did as much as it is that I lied about it. THat said, if I hadn't lied, we would never have gotten together in the first place.

I know he has trust issues. H's father left when he was 5 and I don't think he has trusted since.

Over the years, I have come to realize I don't like everything about H but he makes me feel safe and I never got married with an attitude of D if it got too hard. I said for better or worse. The boys make it much more complicated. I want so much for them to be happy, terrified of what an S or D will do to them.

[karen43]

I was in IC for a while. When she told me that I was young enough to find true love again, I never went back.

I think a good therapist doesn't tell you what to do. Their are pro-marriage counselors who believe in the importance of marriage, and I wouldn't continue to see one like that either.

I don't think it matters why he has issues; point is they are his issues. I don't think though you should allow him to emotionally abuse you or treat you negatively because of those. You need to be strong and not allow that.

Over the years, I have come to realize I don't like everything about H but he makes me feel safe and I never got married with an attitude of D if it got too hard. I said for better or worse. The boys make it much more complicated. I want so much for them to be happy, terrified of what an S or D will do to them.

I agree with the attitude better or worse. I do think if abuse or drugs or whatever are involved that shouldn't be the case though.

I think it's right to be concerned about what D does to kids. On the other hand, you don't want fear to ever be a main motivation for your choices in life. I used to be like that and it wasn't a healthy way to live.

Does your H realize he's got problems with this kind of behavior? Have you talked about him getting IC?

Karen

[brownidmom]

H has refused IC and his degrees are both in SW. He says he doesn't need any help, though he believes it is good for people. He is a good father, both S's, especially S6, adore him. His distrust hurts me so much. He has paternity tests done when I was away on business 2y ago. Broke my heart and pissed me off at the same time. I have asked him to leave, told him to leave but he won't when I ask. I have told him he couldn't sleep in our bed in the past and he always does the exact opposite.

I had been househunting for the last y for a single home with a large yard (we have a twin with smaller yard). I finally found one in May and on the day we were to go put in offer (Mother's Day), he asked, "Why am I going to see this house again?" Then he told me that he wouldn't put his name on a contract to buy another house with me, would sign to sell this one so we could go our separate ways. We have talked for several years about wanting a bigger yard for the boys to grow up in.

I thought at first about selling the house and buying one for myself and the boys, but then I thought that if we are going our separate ways, he should leave. I can afford our current home by myself and don't want to put the boys through a move and the loss of a 2-parent home at the same time.

I have been wanting to go back to school so I can change careers. I make great $ but not happy in my job. I am going to put that on the back burner now because he could try to use that against me if we split up, in terms of custody.

Regardless of whether or not our M is salvageable, I need to go through the DB process just for the GALing for myself, not feeling like I have to constantly please him, etc. I am almost over blaming myself for lying in the first place. I know that I created the mistrust in the first place but H is making the choice to hold onto it.

[brownidmom]

I do want to add that there is no physical abuse, no drugs, etc., Karen.

In fact, H has never even had a drink of alcohol in his life.

Maybe I started my post out wrong by starting at the beginning instead of discussing now and going backwards. I'd really like some ideas, feedback. I want my life back, for it to really be what it appears to be from the outside.