My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

My heart is hurting and I just want to tell her to eff off and quit to make the hurting stop.

Remember that you told her you were done, she believed you and moved on. It sucks but she is now just living her life.

What are your options? Be specific. And then you can decide what to do.

You do not have to be friends with her or accommodate her or hold on to hope but most likely, you do have to suck up your feelings when you drop the girls off for their benefit, IMO.

She doesn't seem to give a sh*t about anyone or anything.

I don't see that. She is choosing to do things that you don't approve of and that is her right at this point. She may be working you a little cuz she knows how you feel. So, without anger, you can set boundaries and determine what is tolerable to you regarding parenting issues. But, her R with OM is her business now. You have the option of demanding that she leave him or you are filing for divorce but how do you think that will go?

I'm sorry it hurts so much. Again, what are your options? Lay them out clearly.

[RedSoxFan]

Again, what are your options? Lay them out clearly.

1) Ask W to stop seeing OM. If she does not have D papers ready. Execute D, move on with my life.

2) Go dark, and underground GAL, 180, minimal contact, try to detach, eventually reconcile or move on.

3) Go white knight, be her friend, support with no pressure, hope OM makes mistake, try to out wait him and hope she eventually agrees to consider reconciliation.

I think I'm currently waffling between 2 and 3.

[aliveandkicking]

There is no way I can tell you what to do but I think #2 with a touch of friendiness (a term coined by SP referring to a sort of watered down version of friendly)...

#3 Seems a bit unrealistic but some here go for it. You need your mental health in tact and the OM thing is pretty brutal. Maybe check out some other threads where OM is involved.

#1 would not mean it is over, it would just mean that you are not willing to share your wife and you are cutting her lose to do get what she says she wants. I understand you giving it more time given the part you've played but it may actually turn out to be the best move.

[RedSoxFan]

#1 would not mean it is over, it would just mean that you are not willing to share your wife and you are cutting her lose to do get what she says she wants. I understand you giving it more time given the part you've played but it may actually turn out to be the best move.

I read that and it is like a knife in my heart. I don't want to lose her.

[RedSoxFan]

#2 with a touch of friendiness (a term coined by SP referring to a sort of watered down version of friendly)...

This one seems impossible because I don't want any other option but to save our marriage. I think I'm having a really bad/sad day

[aliveandkicking]

So DON'T do it!!!!

But, I'm telling you, it aint over till it's over (and even then it often isn't over)...

You do what you need to do and know that this will work out. It takes time to get there, I was a flippin' wreck but I have made peace with the fact that we may need to divorce and perhaps one day start over, or not.

Again (I have to reread this all the time)-

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

[aliveandkicking]

#2 with a touch of friendiness (a term coined by SP referring to a sort of watered down version of friendly)...

This one seems impossible because I don't want any other option but to save our marriage. I think I'm having a really bad/sad day

It is counterintuitive but backing off IS about saving the marriage.

[RedSoxFan]

#3 Seems a bit unrealistic but some here go for it. You need your mental health in tact and the OM thing is pretty brutal. Maybe check out some other threads where OM is involved.

I think this is mostly what I've been doing. It's what my heart wants me to do. I worry that she is thankful but not moved in the way I want her to be. Maybe it even drives her toward wanting a D because it makes her feel guilty. Stronger had some good points about this approach earlier but I haven't had any coaching in this direction for a while.

I want to succeed here. I want the best option, the one that gives me the best chance. I just don't have any idea what it is.

This is the biggest challenge I've ever encountered in my life...at least it feels like it. If this were a business problem I'd probably gobble it up...but I'm so invested emotionally here....I'm just rambling.

[RedSoxFan]

It is counterintuitive but backing off IS about saving the marriage.

I know but I don't fully understand whay it will work. I don't do well implementing concepts that I don't understand. I think that's why I struggled with the advice from some on this board...do this because it works, doesn't work for me.

[aliveandkicking]

Well, you put pressure on her and she sent you an email reaffirming her desire to divorce. So, you do have some experiential evidence...