if I was so invisible in the relationship--how could I possibly feel desirable or find him desirable? I mean, I did it for years, and then I just couldn't make my body do it any more. I tried to be the one to break the cycle, to give more--but ultimately I was unable to do it.
I think some of this might apply to my sitch; clearly WAW felt invisible in the emotional sense -- when her mother died I wasn't there, I was still in the war. Not saying that excuses it, but that's what it was.
On the other hand, she was EXTREMELY visible to me as a woman and as a sexual person -- the day didn't go by, until right there at the end, where I didn't express my attraction to her in some way or another.
That, in fact, is one of my greatest humiliations in this sitch. When I was on Business Trip and Skype'd home to video chat with Themselves, before the kids came in the room WAW, who was looking at herself on the video screen, kept saying "How do I get rid of this image of myself, I look terrible," to which I said some kind of affectionate/horny thing -- and she said, "Oh. Thanks."
Of course what I knew later, but didn't know when I was expressing my desire, was that she'd already decided to divorce me.
I don't know why, exactly, but I find that memory to be among the worst of the lot -- just downright humiliating.
So while I get that there's a linkage between intimacy and sexuality, and with the one lacking the other would wane as well, it wasn't for lack of trying. At least from my POV.
Speaking for myself only ;), when the R was off, and when I felt let down and alienated from H, the compliments and sexual innuendo felt offensive and oblivious.
In my sitch, I think my responses were devastating and humiliating to H and those moments felt like utter sh*t to me too. I'm supposed to want that kind of attention and instead I felt hostile and objectified.
There have been recent studies on positive affirmations and how if they don't align with how you feel about yourself, they can actually compel you to defend your position more (internally) and feel like worse sh*t about yourself. This is not conscious stuff. If you tell someone who is overweight that they look skinny, they will argue their case with you. And, as I recall sharing with you in the alt, there is no bypassing a person's own perception of him/her-self.
Assumption ALert/AAK projecting-If Mrs. SP felt ugly and didn't even want to see a picture of herself, she was experiencing insecurity that was damaging your R (duh)...but it was not out of viciousness that she didn't accept your compliments or advances, it was out of her experiencing an unpleasant sensation because it didn't match or hold true. AND, some of this can be due to her insecurities, issues etc and some due to your delivery or non-delivery in other areas of the R...
Even now, in my sitch, it is just a more extreme version of the M. I use to joke that H would f*ck me while we signed D papers and I was right. His expressing his sexual attraction to me now that we are separated and the sky isn't just falling but has fallen, really exemplifies what we are talking about here. It just doesn't cut it in the scope of everything else.
So while you were obviously mindful of making your sexual attraction to her known (a good thing), too much else was off for that to feel genuine, personal and significant beyond you having an itch that needed to be scratched or however she experienced it (me assuming again).
This is so simple in some ways but seems to be so hard to express succinctly. And it doesn't assign fault which is impossible to quantify (IMO).
Best stated, I think we were all shooting not just at moving targets but maybe at the wrong targets too.
