Sounds like he is just a user of women. You didn't mean anything to him so he had an affair, and now the OW doesn't mean anything to him. The only person who means anything to this man is himself. Sorry but all I see is a selfish human who now only cares about how much money he is going to "lose". That is his focus. Stay strong and don't let him use you again.
Sadly, I think she was the more intense love in his life. Of course much because of the circumstances...
He did keep saying that what she was writing in the mails wasnt necessarily his POV. Dont know why he kept repeating that.
Anyway, I think the tombstone has sealed the grave. The mourning is already happening and I have to now see what the will of poor dead guy will give me.
If I may say something. I was proud of me today for what had happened with PC. I was again, so proud of him. Funny thing stbxh kept mentioning him as Prince (couldnt remember the name) and I can tell he was shocked more than I was. And the part he was shocked about, was the fact that he saw how "connected" we were. He dared to ask me why did I try with him since it was obvious I was emotionally attached to PC. I told him I did it because I valued our M and our relationship and made a CHOICE to try and love him again. I reminded him I had told him about meeting someone. He didnt say much. I realised he had read probably every email that was in my account. I am not sad or upset about that. I am actually smiling... K
catching up in pieces, so this may be discussed already and I'm sure I'll add more later.
First, gypsy is so correct that praying for stbx and sending him good wishes really does help your mindset. I thought she was crazy too when she suggested it to me, but it is very helpful in working through the anger and resentment.
However, as naej pointed out, you can only forgive on your time table. You'll be ready to one day and it may be that day is a long time in coming, but someday, you'll see you need to forgive him and let it all go.
finished catching up, and true to form, I have more to say. Are you surprised at all, sunshine?
Anyway, from what your H is saying, it is clear that he is using several "Freudian" defense mechanisms to help him cope. He's clearly in denial and I'm detecting a bit of projection as well. I'm not a pro, but I know my basic psych.
Your H is a piece of work and he'll continue to struggle until he hits bottom and has to dig himself out. As for continuing to be w/OW, he may start it up again regardless of his alleged feelings for her. However, I wouldn't put too much stock into it as it is most likely out of an inability to be alone as opposed to really loving her or wanting to be w/her.
My XW is so uncomfortable w/herself that she can't be alone and will never be alone. It is very, very sad, but it is his cross to bear and his alone.
Finally, I tend to believe that stbx did want to be caught. If you have issues and you can't deal w/them or face them on your own, often times those people do "something" so they can be found out and thus "forced" to deal w/reality.
There is really no explanation for an individual who does the things your husband (or some of the other spouses around here) has done.
It simply is who they are.
We didn't know that of course. I honestly believe that we never saw the weakness of character that would one day lead to the betrayals they send our way. Love enthralls us anyway, and those in love do their best to show their loveliest sides. I think this is why their affairs so often eventually die.
I disagree that your husband had the more passionate relationship with his OW. Your writing here shows a woman with TRUE passion for the things in her life, especially her man and her children. Lust does not equal passion. Sex can always be had - lovemaking requires more.
I'm reminded of the scene at the end of one of the Indiana Jones movies, where they are in search of the Holy Grail. The evil archaeologist arrives in the cave where the grail resides first and chooses the most ostentatious cup he finds there.
He drinks. Then dies.
The knight protecting the grail says...
"He chose poorly..."
These spouses, and your husband in particular, chose poorly. Some, perhaps those with this flaw inside that your husband seems to possess, will always be fascinated with the new and exciting, maybe even the forbidden. Normal, committed life will hold them only so long, then the desire for something different will rear its ugly head.
Take solace in the fact that you are at least now finding out the truth. Rejoice that your husband was not so skilled in his manipulation that he could convince you to fully reunite, only to lead you down this same road again in years, when your children and you are older.
There is great life left to be lived. Your children are young and have a mother who holds great love for them. They have relatives who also will guard their hearts. Your children will grow up strong and well with so much love around them.
As for you, you know all to well that there is great love still out there in the world. You, of all people, have no excuse to wallow in the mire and see these events as "the end." I, and many others here, know that you will rise far above the sadness and betrayal to reach heights you never would have been able to reach with a man such as your husband at your side.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
while I believe abortion should be safe and legal (even though I have a strong religious and personal objection to it), I could NEVER be with a man who asked another woman to kill her unborn child just because it was inconvenient for him. His kids are his first priority? His first priority is (and probably always will be) him-- he has been unbelievably cruel to EVERYONE involved.
I am sorry, but I am just so angry with him right now. Unlike him, you chose to do what was right and decent (respecting your marriage vows), even though you had the chance to be with another, WONDERFUL man. And he put you through utter hell for a woman who means nothing (he says). Puke.
BTW, you are not making "accusations" against him, just speaking the truth (now established beyond a shadow of a doubt-- he acts like they are unfounded allegations! Please).
Thank you Bill. I know things will somehow turn out the way they should. It's just that when things are still "fresh" my negativism surfaces (it left John and guess who got it?).
I need to be patient and "do my time". It's the fair thing to do. K
Good for you for recognizing your limits right now. Going slow will help you in many, many ways.
The anger will subside in time, but for now, allow it to surface and exist. Anger is a very healthy emotion that we all seem to allow ourselves to be deluded into thinking it is "bad" for us to be angry.
Not true. So, let it go when you feel it. It will do nothing but help you in this process.
