They may be right but I would suggest to you na danyone else going through this to stop soaking in it. When the feelings are too strong try to distract yourself. Eventually they will dissipate.
Even now k, when a certain piece of information or betrayal overcomes me I will act out the scenario or argument in my head where I mentally call W all the names under the sun, then I let it go or just file it back in that place in my head.
W is being good to me cos she knows she's done wrong in the past, but she doesn't want to own up or face up to it. I've been through what you are going through now, linking dates to events, wondering why our spouce didn't just f**k off instead of putting us through the mill. We both may never know why. But time is our friend, cos as time goes by we will put less importance or significance on these events.
I agree about the anger thing. Some anger is good, it helps with the detaching process. However at some point it starts to take over your life and keeps you from moving on and healing.
You said.. "I have a hard time explaining his behavior the last 1,5 years. The time he spent with us, the gifts, the hugs, the kisses, the refusal to give me the divorce at least 4 times, the wanting to come back, the months he spent in and out of this house, the refusal again to divorce... I just dont get it . He was out. He had his girlfriend even if things didnt look good for them, but he wasnt alone, he didnt need me as a crutch, why the h$ll did he want to come back?".. any ideas...
Well, my theory is.. because he wasnt decided. He still loved you, wanted you, but he was caught up in the grip of her.. but, still undecided which way to jump. So they are in limbo and therefore, put you in limbo. So they lie, cheat, manipulate, play for time, dont make a decision.. thats why???
I'm sorry you feel low and angry, its not surprising hey. Sending you hugs, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I have a hard time explaining his behavior the last 1,5 years. The time he spent with us, the gifts, the hugs, the kisses, the refusal to give me the divorce at least 4 times, the wanting to come back, the months he spent in and out of this house, the refusal again to divorce... I just dont get it . He was out. He had his girlfriend even if things didnt look good for them, but he wasnt alone, he didnt need me as a crutch, why the h$ll did he want to come back? When I was taking to him back then, I was completely detached, calm and confident, I wasnt hostile, I wasnt asking for money or creating problems like that, I was living my life best way I could.
I cant explain it and it bothers me. Any ideas?
K,
Your H is extremely weak and very confused. I doubt he and OW will be living happily ever after. You gave him the chance many times to end the M but he didn't. He had a hard time ending it with either of you. OW is an addiction and he wasn't able to break it off. It seems like he was using the kids as an excuse with her for not ending the M.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
In some ways the realisation that there was nothing we could have done better does help with the healing.
Nothing we could have done better? I disagree with that as a blanket statement. We could always do better, but if you aren't sure what that better is because your spouse didn't bother to communicate their dissatisfaction to you then it becomes just as much their problem. Is that what you meant naej?
The situation sucks no matter what way you look at it K, I just know that you will come out of this strong and confident after you go through the mourning again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I just talked to him. Asked him if he had thought my offer over? He said "it is too much". Then I asked him to tell exactly what it is too much. I have given him an excel with broken down 25 categories of expenses that make the total amount. I said which part is too part. His answer was "the total amount". I said if we cant agree you 'll be spending thousands on lawyers and you will derpive your kids from it. How smart is that? He said he doenst care.
We entered a heated discussion. He accuses me of manipulating him. He mentioned my emails with PC. He said I cant acsuse of that but you sure sounded close. I told him I was and asked him if he had read the advice PC gave me back then: give your family the chance, I would never stand in the way. He said he did but that PC was away, if he was closer...?
I asked him why thought we could work this out while she was in the picture. He said she wasnt for the first few months. He said he doesnt care for her. His sole purpose in life right now are his kids. She is out of the picture for good.
He accuses me of my reactions. WHich so far were a few emails and phonecalls. NOTHING else. I havent reacted in any heated way although I wanted to. He has no idea how much all this has hurt me. He shows no compassion. He is angry and says I am making him angry. That I am sly and I backstabb people. I am amazed. His guilt and shame obviously are in the way. I told him I want things to be civil and he needs to take resposnibility of what he has done. He said he wont take anymore accusations from me. NOTHING!!!
We ended the call because my kids wanted something form him. He may call back.
PS: When is he back?.. its a siginficant Full Moon in Pisces (our own personal Full Moon) on Friday through to Saturday... Full Moons are culmination points. Theres some excellent stars about it for this week, try these... the first is my favourite lady other than Priya..
Might be a turning point !?? (another goddamn one!)
Al xxx
PS: Just saw your post. I'm sorry, its because he knows he is an *rse and he cant just lie down and take it like a man, so he fights and fights. How can he have a go at you for your reaction??? Are you not entitled to be hurt, angry and "over react" at a time like this!?? Good god, what planet does he live on, you are only human. Hugs M.
Last edited by AliSuddenly; 08/30/0907:46 PM. Reason: cross posted like a nana!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
We talked again. I am asking questions. She got pregnant in March 2007, right when I thought I was pregnant too.
Thye went to that "villa" when he had told me he was in Thesaloniki, during that trip I had called every hotel in the city and didnt find his reservation.
He says he is feeling bad. Not ashamed for what was revealed, bad for what he has done.
He said he doesnt care to "protect her", she is nothing. I asked him was it all worth it? Did he regret it, would he do it again? He said no, he would never do that again.
He said he wanted me to find out, he wanted to be able to tell me I wasnt insane, he wanted to restore my faith in me (!!!).
He is trying to cope with it, saying "what is done is done".
I told him many things. I told him 2006 was a huge shock for me. I had no idea. I told him a lot of things can be explained now, like our awful trip to Munich, a month after theirs in Paris, I told him that he did to me what he had done to his GF that he had when I met him (he had lied to me and told me a month later they were still together), something I sometimes was asking him, and he always replied I was his one and only he couldnt do that to me and the kids,I told him the kids will have problems and he said that's the only thing he is worried about, how will the kids cope with that.
So, my M ended for a heated A, that as he says now, was intense but doesnt mean anything... What a relief!! K
