Hey Gucci, Puppy, RobX and Coach!

[BigJohn]

wow! a thread title that includes my name, I'm honored, truth be told I get the idea that some people around here think I'm a bully or a hard-ass or a combination of the two (not that it matters) but I'll just say that I'm not a bully.

RobX,

First off, thank you for your time and the great post. The fact of the matter is that we all have our own unique perspectives and talents to offer up to each other here to try and help each other's sitchs. Regardless of whether I agree with you or anyone else 100%, I for one am grateful for your willingness to spend your valuable personal time sharing your insight and ideas to try to help me in my sitch. You are not a bully, just a man of passion as am I. Sometimes it is hard for others to distinguish between the two.

She's a bully (your wife), having an affair with the OM and then trying to kick you out of your house.

If you've never faced your partner before and stood up to them, it's probably one of the scariest experiences to go through. I found like so many others on this forum have found out that once you stand up to the WAS and tell them you aren't taking their crap anymore and you really mean it, things start to change.

In her own passive-aggressive way, I suppose my W is being a bully, although in her mind she undoubtedly considers it being "assertive" against her "oppressive" H. I'm not scared of my W's behavior- disturbed might be a better description. I have a much stronger personality than my W- always have- so I don't know what to expect now that I'm switching gears with my approach to her. My W has said she does not want to fight with me which, in the context of a D, might be to my advantage. The problem is her avoidance of conflict is one of her hang ups that works against me in wanting to work on our MR.

I've said it plenty of times on this forum in one form or another but one thing you have to get in your head is this: you have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. These people don't have any respect for you if they're willing to hurt you & take advantage of you. You have to read this several times and understand it because there is alot of power in these words but even more power in taking action based on these words.

Exactly, As a man I share the same perspective. If this sitch involved anyone other than my W, I wouldn't take this sh*t for one minute, that person would be history to me. What I've tried to do is to understand the sitch from her perspective and to handle it as my W being over her head in an emotional crisis. Unfortunately, giving her a lot of latitude and trying to see her A run it's course these past 6 mos. has not paid off.

You need to grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit. People will never be able to fully respect and/or love you if you don't respect & love yourself FIRST. If you let people walk all over you, take advantage of you, hurt you, etc. you are allowing people to disrespect you which means you don't respect yourself. Set boundaries in place which determine how people can treat you.

It's not fear that is my enemy- I'm not spineless by any means. My issue is more of being protective of my W at my own expense. This protectiveness is now fading fast as I look to protect my interests and the interests of my kids.

I get the "watch out for your self respect" a lot, especially from people who don't know me intimately. It's a reasonable concern, however fortunately I have a large reservoir of self confidence/self worth/self esteem to tap into. If the means justify the end for a cause worth fighting for (i.e. my M and family) I can absorb a lot of punishment without a lot of long term negative impact. Believe me, if my well starts to run dry in this regard my W in particular is going to be in serious trouble.

When your spouse is having an affair with the OM and you're trying feverishly to win her back, I think it's the wrong move. Never compete with the OM to win your wife back, it can't work. Competing to get your wife back from the OM communicates directly & indirectly that you don't think you're valuable enough/good enough to have your wife, if you have to compete for her, you are saying that you have to prove your value to her and that never works. The only way to prove your value, prove you respect yourself is to not compete.

I agree 100%. I have not attempted to "compete" with OM this entire time and I won't. I think the fact that I have made the choices I have made thus far in the sitch- along with demonstrating the strength and patience to deal with my W and her problems- speaks volumes as to the man I am. I feel that I have removed the excuses for my W to not want to at least try to work on our MR- I am not going to kiss her a$$ to boot. (Interestingly, my W has sought on more than one occasion to get credit just for sticking around and not leaving despite not wanting to work on our MR and saying "I'm done", "I want to eventually S and D", blah, blah blah.)

When these types of problems occur in relationships, it boils down to control, who's in charge, who is making the decisions?... When your wife started having an affair with the OM, she made this decision all on her own, she didn't ask for your input or permission, she just made the decision without regard to your feelings and any pain it would cause you or your family. She took control of the relationship, she has control right now. [quote]

Excellent point. And what is amazing is that during our sitch my W has actually chided me on several occasions about my "control issues" in our R. I'll have to remember to poke her in the eye next time she brings that complaint up given the results of her presently being in control of our R.


[quote]How do you take back control? You tell her in plain english, "I'm done, this is over. Enjoy your life, I don't care anymore. I will file for divorce/legal separation, I will live in the house and you can get your own place, you decided to have an affair and there are going to be consequences for your actions, I'm not going to leave my home anytime soon and I'm not going to argue about this either."

You will file for joint custody of your children if you have kids, you will find a way to have them 50% of the time, I don't care how much work it takes, you'll do it... IF ANY OF THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU'LL DO IT!

Already done and/or in the process.

You won't supplicate her, you won't buy her gifts, you won't treat her to fancy restaurant dinners, you won't beg, plead or cry to ask her to come back home and take you back. If she wants you back and if you do things correctly, she may very well come back and she may be the one who does the begging, pleading & crying.

That's the objective at this point.

You will start dating...she will see that other women are willing to date you, this shows that to other women you have value...this type of "proof" wakes the WAS up and they start to realize your value again and start to question what they let go of. Seeing you with other women will make her jealous... Plus you moving on and dating other women shows that you're taking control of the situation, you are choosing to move on, you are choosing not to let your wife control how you feel or act, you are showing her that you can enjoy life without her.

I understand the thought process, but I can't get on board with this one. Right now, I am the only responsible parent my kids have, they are counting on me to be the best father I can be. Plus, I'd just be lowering myself to my W's standards right now. I am better than that. My W has been witness to several instances already during our sitch where other women have openly complimented me in front of her. She is aware of 20 year old college girls at our church asking where can they go and what can they do to score a guy like me for a husband. All of her sisters and friends keep telling her what a babe and great guy I am and that she is a fool to risk her M to me for fat ass buffoon OM. It goes on and on, I don't need to go on the offensive to try to prove anything to my W at this point. Right now, it looks like my W just has to crash and burn big time to learn her lesson. Just don't know when that is going to be right now.

How's that, I always aim to provide a lengthy, hot air filled, verbose reply to anyone who asks for it ;-)

It was just right, RobX. Thanks again and stop in anytime, your feedback is always welcome.