Ali, I agree with transformer and really appreciate you sharing examples of the changes that you have made to build a stronger relationship foundation with BF.
Originally Posted By: transformer
I love how they are 180s but totally organic and authentic to you now.
Your examples give me concrete ideas of activities that would have meant a lot to my H (one of my H's LLs is quality time).
My H grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father who used his work as an excuse to avoid the chaos at home. My H was essentially abandoned by both his parents. I now realize that he has been grieving this his entire life. Everyone sees him as a confident, successful, outgoing, gregarious guy who would do anything for his friends. My sister and I never guessed the sad, shamed 'boy' that was inside him. Your comments about BF's thought processes ("silently seething at not being listened to", "instead of telling me, he "gave up".....(and) felt I didn't love him") have given me valuable insights into my H's thought processes. I thank you and BF VERY much for your gift of understanding!!!
Over the last week I have spent a lot of time listening to Dr. Daniel Amen's CDs about his brain imaging findings. In a previous career I did medical research, so his work is very interesting to me and seems legitimate. I'd like to share a few points with you that gave me insight (and compassion) for my H and might do the same for you with BF:
An area of the brain called the cingulate gyrus (CG) is often overactive in children who grew up in alcoholic households. The CG is the brain's "gear-shifter". It allows for flexibility and cooperation. People with overactive CGs appear selfish on the outside, but they are really just inflexible. They tend to worry, hold grudges, and they get stuck in certain mental thoughts. For example, you may have made one negative comment in the context of many positive comments, but the person with an overactive CG tends to focus on the one negative comment and in their mind, they heard you say it 1000 times. At the moment that they are responding to this criticism, they are feeling a level of hurt that is disproportionate to the criticism. They are out of control. Could this be what BF is referring to when he says he was 'mental'?
Overactivity in the CG is associated with a deficit in serotonin. ADs increase levels of serotonin but there are other natural ways to increase serotonin as well, and these are things you could incorporate into your routine. Dr. Amen talks about these on his CDs. For example, high carbohydrate foods (e.g. pasta) and exercise increase serotonin.
I'm writing this to you because you or someone reading along might find some of this helpful in preventing triggers from breaking down communication in the future. Hope there is a nugget you might be able to use in this.
