Must've Been That Mojo Boogie

[hoosiermama]

It is an infinite loop, just as how we all got to this point was an infinite loop. I spent a lot of time during the marriage and after xH left trying to figure out how to be sexually responsive so that he'd love me again, and trying to figure out why I couldn't make myself go there. (And no, on my worst, most angry, b*tchy day I would never have said "Ugh, this is boring"). I mean, I hated myself for it, I was ashamed because I couldn't respond, and I hated that he hated me for it too. But the bottom line is that I felt taken advantage of in every way, I felt used, I felt like none of my needs mattered--in the whole relationship (and in retrospect, I was correct). And while I knew that if I could manage to be sexual with him, he might soften and relate to me more as a lover than a mom, I never felt safe enough to be that vulnerable with him. Not that he's physically hurt me, but if I was so invisible in the relationship--how could I possibly feel desirable or find him desirable? I mean, I did it for years, and then I just couldn't make my body do it any more. I tried to be the one to break the cycle, to give more--but ultimately I was unable to do it.

Not saying Mrs. SP has these same issues; most women are more self-aware than to become a doormat as I did. Just wanted to give my insight into this topic of a woman's very fragile libido.