For some reason I am not feeling great tonight. I miss him. Maybe it is because I know he is on holiday with her. Maybe it is because I have had a day by myself. I don't know.
I am going to my brothers tomorrow, I would say maybe that will get me out of my head but I'm not really over-thinking. I just miss him. That's weird after all this time but I do.
Julia, I'm sorry that you had a bad day today. I will send positive thoughts to you tonight as I look up at the same moon that shines over you in London. I have had some crying spells lately too that caught me by surprise......to me they just validate that my relationship with H was very special.......that I didn't imagine how special it was. One thing that I have done that has really helped has been to NOT listen to pop music on the radio (every other song seems to bring back memories). Instead I have been listening to stations that don't broadcast pop music. This has REALLY helped my PMA. Another thing that helps is some type of physical activity that involves some element of 'survival' (I use this term VERY loosely here) such as cross country skiing or walking/biking around a lake where you can't turn back and have no choice but to move forward (can't cut across the lake). For example, last night I went night-biking (using headlights and tail-lights) with a group of people through the city and then on a very dark path along a large river that runs through our city. I had never been on that path along the river before and had no idea what to expect. It was a beautiful cool, clear night with the moonlight shining on the river. I had to watch the path for branches or stones that could send me over my handlbars....and at the end of that path was a very steep climb (I made it up! Yippee!). That type of activity helps me to refocus. Could lap swimming do that for you? I used to lap swim and thought that the controlled breathing was similar to the relaxation breathing technique that we teach in the clinic to help patients control stress.
If we didn't love, we wouldn't cry. If we never miss what's gone, it was never here.
(((JCJ))) - it's OK to have a day off the PMA as long as you pick it back up again. Visiting with your brother should go a good way to help you do that. Will check in on you later.
Take courage and remember the words of Thomas Edison (American Inventor 1847-1931):
"We haven't failed. We now know a thousand things that won't work, so we are that much closer to finding that which will."
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Thanks guys, I had a pretty rough night. For some reason my brain decided to replay all the lies and not telling me stuff that have happened over the past two years at 5am this morning. I feel like I have gone 10 rounds. Not fun. Although my little cat was just a darling watching over me and actually cuddling me a bit - or at least lying near me we don't want to go too far
I know what you mean GAG, for some reason this pop song was going round in my head too all night it wasn't good. I think it was because I took a day to relax and stop and I guess it sunk in about him being on holiday. I get so angry and frustrated with myself if I let it get to me as I feel I am letting myself down. I am way too stubborn. That bike ride sounds amazing!
Thanks Cas. I know that i have to let myself grieve sometimes. I hate feeling this way after so long though. I just shouldn't be.
I love that quote Nell, thank you! I think visiting my brother should help. He lived in Singapore for a year Cas last year before my niece was born. Sigh, I shall make my way down to the south coast and hopefully that should help.
I think being a little hormonal doesn't help either!
Oh (((Julia))) - hormonal, Julia!! What's the matter with you? GO GET CHOCOLATE GIRL - don't you know anything??!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!
I tell you, I'm not making light of your current thoughts - I think that you know me better than that by now and I know that I may have to walk in your shoes very soon when H goes away on his holiday. (Don't know if he is being 'accompanied' but let's just say that I think it unlikely that he would go on his own).
Now then, what can we do to cheer you - apart from more snuggles with Maple? These cats KNOW when we are most down. I couldn't move for mine the past few nights but last night, they must have sensed my lift and neither slept with me. The white furry one is right now sitting by my left hand as I type this!! She is sending you a cuddle too ((prrrrr))!
Whatever anyone says at these low points, you feel the support but sometimes the words do nothing to lift you. I do think that when you see your brother that it may give you some temporary respite but you still have to come back to it, so what are your plans? List them here please!! Don't know about you but when I have made my 'to do' list and published it, I feel like I am letting you all down if I don't ... so that may be a good strategy for you. You kind of feel forced in to it at first but the rewards are there when you have (eg) a nicely manicured lawn with no weeds!! As you undoubtedly know, this is called Diversion Therapy!
Glad that you liked the quote so I have looked up another one for you, here from Mark Twain (1835-1910):
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up" so, go find someone to cheer and (((hug))) you will feel the benefit too. If not, go find Mark Twain and kick the bejeezers out of him for telling lies that should do it! Let us know ...
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 08/30/0911:19 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Lol Nell That has cheered me. I have to admit I ate loads of chocolate yeaterday and thought 'hmmm, should not have done that' I even had a nibble for breakfast!
So my list...
Obviously work, my project needs some work.
Tuesday night - walk night round London, I missed it last week for no good reason other than my foot hurt. Which, I guess is a good reason if you are walking 5 miles!
Wednesday, swimming. Thursday, perhaps dance class. Have to decide which one. Friday, day off as the people are coming to finally fix stuff at my new place. And Saturday I have a friend coming round Then, for the next couple of weekes I have a good friend coming to stay who is studying for an exam in London.
Ok, that really does feel better! Thank you. I need to get off my ass now and get that train.
(((Julia)))), how was your visit with your brother? A change of scenery is always good. Your 'to do' list looks good. Can you add some pampering activities for yourself (e.g. manicure, facial, shoe shopping, special gourmet dessert)? No need to feel guilty about the chocolate indulgence. Chocolate has many health benefits (www.chocolate.org)!!!!!! . I can't vouch for all of the findings cited on this site but from my previous life as a researcher I DO know that chocolate has some marijuana- and opiate-like effects.......so enjoy!
Also, it's possible that H's holiday with OW may not be as rosy as you imagine. Remember what Ali's BF said about his skiing holiday with OW back around Christmastime? There was a lot of tension between them on that trip.
Nell, you are a very smart woman to recommend chocolate and 'to do' lists!
Cas, I have been following your sitch when I have time. It sounds as though you are mending well. I am hoping that your increased mobility as you recover from surgery is helping your PMA.
NEVER feel guilty about eating chocolate my friend - it's why women were invented ... it's just that Eve found herself going down the wrong path and she got to the apple before the Hershey bars!! Woman-kind has been trying to make up for her sin ever since. You know that I am right - OMG - I sound like Del Boy now!!
Good list and the best (as far as I see things) is that you have a friend coming to stay for a few weeks. How good is that?? Think of all the stuff that you will be doing - bet you won't have time to think of anything else!
How's your foot now? Hope that it's up to trekking around London .. I used to always hate it when I was there but now I miss the place! So much to do and lose yourself in ... not like here in Perth - the dead centre of Lonelyville. Always something going on in London - although I get that even there you can feel lonely if your world is out of whack.
Keep up the PMA and get on with your project work .. throw yourself in to something that shows results. It should give you a sense of achievement, if nothing else, and it will be one less task to conquer!
Have a good start to your new day ... for it will be that time by the time you get to read this!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
we don't want to go too far 
. I can't vouch for all of the findings cited on this site but from my previous life as a researcher I DO know that chocolate has some marijuana- and opiate-like effects.......so enjoy!