I forgot to add that he gets S9 crying and tells him to find me (in the house) and tell mommy not to leave. Then he told S12 to tell me that he's a great guy and loves me and just wants me to love him.
How inappropriate is that?
I talked to the children and told them they didn't need to worry about the argument (we were out for most of it and the last of it was in the bedroom...I could have gone over to a friend's house without them freaking out about it, he MADE them freak out about it.)
I am no match for someone who doesn't want to deal in reality.
It shouldn't even be a 'match'. You are supposed to be two people who love each other trying to understand the other. I know it is so hard to do, but try not to get sucked in to nonsensical 'discussions' that go nowhere. It's just a big energy sucker.
Originally Posted By: breakaway
Of course, he refuses MC. I asked him what he was afraid of, he said how do you know the counselor isn't a lunatic.
I have to agree that there are a lot of very bad counselors out there, as well as some very good ones of course. Maybe he would do the next Stosny weekend?
Maybe it's time to ask for a separation. You need a break, breakaway.
Why would he go to a Stosny weekend when he doesn't do anything wrong? When he was telling me everything I do wrong, I said then a MC could help us with that, help with the problems you have with me. Nope.
He just wants to go back to pretending.
S9 had a frog he caught, and he is death to small animals, so I didn't want him to do it. After a few days, I said what's up with the frog? He said he let it go. I agreed that was the best thing.
A week later I find the "cage" it was in, with a dead frog in it. I said S9!! You said you let it go!!
He said...I thought I let it go. I guess I dreamed it.
I got very upset and angry with him. I said you did NOT dream it, you lied. He cried, he hid in his room, he did all sorts of drama, but he would NOT admit that he lied about that frog. He kept insisting that he dreamed it. I told him he was in far worse trouble for pretending he didn't lie, than for lying. I told him he HAD TO STOP PRETENDING.
I grounded him until he would admit it. It took him until the NEXT DAY to admit he knew he didn't let the frog go.
Is he still drinking? The only explanation I can think of for his kind of behavior is alcoholism.
You know...this occurred to me later. I was at work yesterday. He picked me up at five, and we went out to eat. He did have a couple beers while we had appetizers. It now occurs to me he was drinking before he came to get me. Not enough to "show" but enough.
Yes. It is enough. Retrouvaille would be helpful to you AFTER he gets into AA and is sober. The drinking explains the craziness. You won't be able to deal with him as a sane person until he is completely sober.
You know he's an alcoholic. You also know that just cutting back or whatever he said he did doesn't work for alcoholics. It's pretty much all-or-nothing, and there needs to be some kind of a program of support. Please tell me you didn't believe that his cutting down on drinking and subsequent improved behavior were anything but temporary, under these circumstances? Because that's part of the denial of the severity of the issue. You cannot work on the marriage issues without confronting and treating the alcoholism first. Whenever you decide you're ready to confront that issue, there is help out there. Until then, you're fooling yourself.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
All of the talk about alcoholism is true to this point. But, unfortunately, most alcoholics don't decide to get help until something has forced them to evaluate their circumstances. Killing somebody, loosing somebody, both, and/or a court order. That's just been my experience.
IMO, he'll never get help unless HE WANTS TO; and I don't see that happening anytime soon. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. There will have to be a precipitous event in his personal life in order for Mr. Breakaway to seek treatment and change his ways.
BW, I'm praying that you'll find a way out of this and/or he'll get the help he needs.
Hey Sweets, I feel for you. I remember all of this so well, it makes me nauseous to read your thread. The denial of your reality. The circular conversations. The blaming and accusing. The fear & insecurity that he REEKS of. The best thing I ever did for me was those 3 weekends at a motel away from him. If you need space away from him, get it. Your kids will be fine. Mine barely remember those 3 weekends.
Love ya
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
