How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[dday101798]

Dia,

I just wanted to say I'm reading up on your rather long thread and understand why I appreciate the way you post. Being only 7 pages into it, I can say I fit the mold of your H to a "t" in all my convictions to the destruction of my M.

It'd be nice to be only half as well off as to where you're thread started by the time I get to the end, but that is not possible by any means. But yet, brings me hope that I thought I lost.

[antlers]

So I started working on me. And in particular, working on being someone I could forgive for her failings. And lo and behold, once I had forgiven me, I found I had forgiven him, too.

If you want the WAS to come back, eliminate any valid reasons for their departure.

Hi Dia. I think you hit the nail on the head with the first sentence posted above. This is something that we have to do...no matter what! Working on ourselves is a MUST...regardless of the outcome.

Yep...this is a part of 'working on me', but it doesn't guarantee that they'll come back...heartbreaking as it is. But, we still have to do it...no matter what! It's part of becoming a better person, a better parent, and a better partner.

ps - I wholeheartedly agree with you about 'going first'! This is a mistake that I made chronically, over the years. Looking back, it was simply stupid and selfish to not do what I should have done, namely...'going first'. There's a lot of wisdom in the statement 'do you want to be right, or do you want to be married'!

[antlers]

If any of us, WAS, LBS, etc. spend too much time or energy blaming our spouses, we blind ourselves to issues that need fixing on our own side of the fence.

Sound wisdom.

[antlers]

We spent so long putting everyone else in the family first and we felt like our efforts were taken for granted. We didn't see our spouse or our children thanking us, appreciating us or making an effort to put US first every now and then. We sacrificed sleep, careers, our own interests, our own time and a bajillion and a half of our own preferences.

Other important note: It is highly likely that the WAS *has* been communicating these feelings. Perhaps not clearly, perhaps not in a positive fashion - but if you look, I'll bet they have.

And by and large, they did not feel heard.

So finally the WAS reaches a point where if nobody else is going to put them first or see to their own wants and needs, they're going to do it themselves. In a perfect world, they could do this positively, healthily and within the context of a loving and supportive marriage and family relationship.

Yep. It's a darn shame that things have to get so bad, that our spouses walk away, and our families get broken apart...before we pull our heads out of our rectums and realize these things!

[JayMan]

I agree with this in general, but there is a valid point. Many have talked about the "alien" that a WAS becomes, especially if involved in an affair. I was listening to the radio this morning about how affair sex can lead to quadruple the amounts of dopamine in the brain - because of the danger, excitement, etc.

I love my WAS with all of my heart, but I have seen her go from literally the best mom I know to a woman who gives her children casual attention. I offer my time to her - and she refuses it to be with OM. I have tried so many ways to get her to spend more time with the kids. It was funny because she started feeling guilty, and started to tell the kids that I was "bad", etc. All that did was make them love me more!

Anyway, I soon realized that you can't force anyone to be a good person. I firmly believe that under a web of hormones, MLC, childhood abuse, etc, there is a beautiful and amazing woman!

Much of what Dia said is true - but it is no excuse! As an LBS, I did make mistakes, but I got my head out of my rectum, and turned it into something positive, while my WAS has used it to have an affair, drop all of her spiritual beliefs, break off contact with her family, drop most of her friends, and worst of all, spend 80% less time with her kids.


Let's call a spade a spade - whether the LBS OR the WAS deserves it. Once that's done, choose to live a life full of love!

[Dia]

Agreed, it is no excuse!! It does NOT excuse poor behavior or an affair or a lot of the other cr@p we read about here. It does NOT excuse neglecting your children or playing manipulative, head games with them.

[etrain]

I'm brand new here but I'm having the same questions. My W & I are still living under the same roof but she fits the WAW description to a T & has brought up S or D.
I literally break down in tears every time I think about trying to explain a S or D to our 4 year old son. There's just no way I'll be able to do that w/o completely losing it. My eyes are watering up right now as I type this.
If we get to that point, I can't even imagine what my first day w/o my son would be like. I imagine I'd spend most of it curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out.
I can't believe my W is okay with heading in that direction.

[WalkingMan]

wow.. great supportive thread you've got going here for WAS.

LBS's whine about wanting to know what's going on in our heads and then roll out the welcome mat like this??

It was "LBS script" like this that kept me in lurking mode & from initially, & more recently, posting for months. I know several WAW or AWAW that were active on DB & have now gone 'underground' because of threads and postings like this one.

The purpose of THIS particular forum on DB is for the WAS to find support and share the R experience from OUR perspective, as we work through our own issues, much like the ENTIRE rest of the board is for the LBS to work through and share their experience with support.

If more WAS felt comfortable posting here & finding the level of support given to LBS, instead of the vilification this particular thread seems to offer, maybe they could move forward in a more healthy way

Self-preservation/selfish... different sides of the same coin.

DB is about saving yourself first. The WAS just got a jump on it.


Peace
Bridge

I agree with you Bridge. But this is as Dday has said an valuable source for correspondance and understanding btween LBS and WAS. The subject of this post is in my opinion, valid. And its a question that a WAS can help bring understanding to the table. Both WAS and LBS have a very hard time and I'd be willing to say in many cases the WAS can have a more difficult time.

DBing is a great way for an LBS to prepare themselves in a healthy way for divorce OR reconciliation.

Your input is appreciated and thanks!

SGfan

[Bridgestone]

As long as the LBS stays in the 'I'm a victim' how could they do this to me & the kids mode...

they are perpetuating the same-old, same-old.

Personally, as Greek told Coach.. and several other WAW & AWAW's I correspond with about this very topic have told me...

Even knowing the all damage WA will do to the LBS, the kids, the extended family, the friends, the M, the finances, etc....and weighing the pain of all that damage....

It hurt more (ie: was more harmful and/or more unhealthy) to stay than to go. Period.

[MrBond]

well isn't the WAS the one who takes on the victim role first? I mean, they are the ones who ask "why am I going through all this pain" and in some cases, keep it in until they are okay with the decision to walk without talking to their S.

Or at least that's how my W was and is. After her "enlightenment" about how she kept quiet for years when she was unhappy and is now "happy" that she's made a decision to leave, she still doesn't open up. Quite honestly, I have no idea what her reason is for leaving because it seems to change and she can't even keep track.

I've asked her many times before the bomb, "are you alright", "is something bothering you", etc. Every opportunity to talk about issues she had about our M, but she never did. Now she continues to play the victim and blame her unhappiness on me.

Her reason for leaving the family behind was that the kids would be happier when they don't see her being unhappy. WTF? Why is she even unhappy? Oh well. Could just be just my sitch.