wow! a thread title that includes my name, I'm honored, truth be told I get the idea that some people around here think I'm a bully or a hard-ass or a combination of the two (not that it matters) but I'll just say that I'm not a bully. I just know when to spot a bully and I know that facing a bully instead of running away from one usually changes things.
"...I'm at right now is W recently backed me up into a corner by attempting (or feigning) to file for D in an effort to get me out of my house"
She's a bully (your wife), having an affair with the OM and then trying to kick you out of your house. I'll be honest, I fell for this one, I moved out for several months because my wife told me to and at the same time I paid for every bill in that home (mortgage, property tax, utility bills, car payments, insurance, you name it) while living in a crappy apartment building a few blocks away so that I can maintain close regular contact with my kids. A good friend gave me a kick in the ass and shook me up a bit and told me to stand up for myself, that as long as I acted like a doormat, my wife would walk all over me and wipe her feet on me. If you've never faced your partner before and stood up to them, it's probably one of the scariest experiences to go through. I found like so many others on this forum have found out that once you stand up to the WAS and tell them you aren't taking their crap anymore and you really mean it, things start to change.
I've said it plenty of times on this forum in one form or another but one thing you have to get in your head is this: you have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. These people don't have any respect for you if they're willing to hurt you & take advantage of you. You have to read this several times and understand it because there is alot of power in these words but even more power in taking action based on these words.
You need to grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit. People will never be able to fully respect and/or love you if you don't respect & love yourself FIRST. If you let people walk all over you, take advantage of you, hurt you, etc. you are allowing people to disrespect you which means you don't respect yourself. Set boundaries in place which determine how people can treat you.
As for the OM, Gucci covered everything and then some, I couldn't give you any better advice. When your spouse is having an affair with the OM and you're trying feverishly to win her back, I think it's the wrong move. Never compete with the OM to win your wife back, it can't work. Competing to get your wife back from the OM communicates directly & indirectly that you don't think you're valuable enough/good enough to have your wife, if you have to compete for her, you are saying that you have to prove your value to her and that never works. The only way to prove your value, prove you respect yourself is to not compete. Remove yourself from the situation, in plain english, "she's yours, you can have her, I don't want her anymore anyways, there are a million other fish in the sea and you just did me a favor taking her off my hands."
When these types of problems occur in relationships, it boils down to control, who's in charge, who is making the decisions? Examples.... you & your wife decided together to first start seeing each other, dating, getting engaged, getting married, buying a home, having children, etc. These are all decisions you made together in one way or another. When your wife started having an affair with the OM, she made this decision all on her own, she didn't ask for your input or permission, she just made the decision without regard to your feelings and any pain it would cause you or your family. She took control of the relationship, she has control right now. She isn't the one on these forums trying to find out how to save their marriage, how to win their spouse back, what to do & say to make a difference, etc.
Take back control.
How do you take back control?
You tell her in plain english, "I'm done, this is over. Enjoy your life, I don't care anymore. I will file for divorce/legal separation, I will live in the house and you can get your own place, you decided to have an affair and there are going to be consequences for your actions, I'm not going to leave my home anytime soon and I'm not going to argue about this either."
You will file for joint custody of your children if you have kids, you will find a way to have them 50% of the time, I don't care how much work it takes, you'll do it... IF ANY OF THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU'LL DO IT!
You won't supplicate her, you won't buy her gifts, you won't treat her to fancy restaurant dinners, you won't beg, plead or cry to ask her to come back home and take you back. If she wants you back and if you do things correctly, she may very well come back and she may be the one who does the begging, pleading & crying.
You will start dating. You will start to date other women because you have to do something that generates a fear of loss with her but also something that shows you have value. When she finds out (through the grapevine) that you're dating again, she will see that other women are willing to date you, this shows that to other women you have value, this type of "proof" wakes the WAS up and they start to realize your value again and start to question what they let go of. Seeing you with other women will make her jealous for a few reasons but namely because it was her decision to let you go and you should be at home crying in a corner and praying to God to get your wife back but she'll see you're not emotionally devastated - quite the opposite, you're moving on, you're happy, you're upbeat, you're thriving, not just surviving and you're having fun. Her affair with the OM won't be half as much when she finds out you're dating other women, they enjoy a good laugh at your expense currently. Plus you moving on and dating other women shows that you're taking control of the situation, you are choosing to move on, you are choosing not to let your wife control how you feel or act, you are showing her that you can enjoy life without her.
Time to turn the tables on this situation, it's time to take control.
How's that, I always aim to provide a lengthy, hot air filled, verbose reply to anyone who asks for it ;-)
