I have absolutely no problem with side conversations. If everything in this thread related to my situation it would probably get pretty boring.
Quote: What if you took a similar approach with initiating sex? When you try to get something started and your wife doesn't respond or moves away, you say something like "Well, it may not be working out this time. We can try again another time." Calmly and compassionately said, of course. And don't respond to any angry outburst from her or attempt to get the sex argument started. That will just be a way for her to try and get the issue to disappear or deflect responsibility all back on you.
The message you want to send is "I'm not angry or hurt or blaming you. But sex in our marriage is not going to be going away. We are going to deal with it."
I actually think that's a great idea, if done right anyway. I think the key is in being compassionate - showing that I have at least some understanding of what she may be feeling inside. And if I could remain calm and relatively upbeat, I'd be communicating that her rejection didn't suddenly make me mad at her or resentful (like rolling over and "huffing" would). I might even add a kiss on the cheek or something similar just to reassure her that I love her.
Quote: Oh heck. What if you just said this to her? "I'm not angry or hurt or blaming you. But sex in our marriage is not going to be going away. We are going to deal with it."
I agree with what you both seem to have eventually concluded - that this would not be the thing to say upon being rejected. I'm afraid it would come across as the same old thing she's been hearing from me all along. I think she would hear "I'm hurt, I'm blaming you, and you'd better fix this!"
Quote: I've found that I get closer to my goal more often by putting my feelings to the side for the moment, yes, sometimes even minimizing them. Then I focus on the other person, their feelings, and their needs. My turn comes in another conversation OR I find that addressing their feelings and dealing with their needs results in a change in the behavior that is causing me problems.
That's pretty good stuff MPT, and it's actually a pretty good description of the approach that I'm trying to take at the moment. I believe that I now have a better understanding of my wife's feelings and needs than I've had previously, so I'm trying to turn my attention towards addressing them.
