In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Sara,

My wife came home at 3am last night, 4am last weekend. Just getting tired of it. Last week she was also out 3 other nights. So what did I do, I started the argument. Why, because I am tired of being walked on. Tired of waking up at 2am and wondering if she is OK. So when she got home, I just said the dreaded where were you....I got, I don't ask where you were. I responded I wish you did. I just said don't you understand that the people in this house care about you. Anyway, after a brief argument. And her saying, "I am moving out, no you move out...We went to sleep. This morning, which is the best time to communicate with her, I got the same story--I still want a divorce. But I want to wait till we can be friends. I still said, that won't happen. The other thing she metioned is that you still aren't doing the changes you still leave things laying around. I said c'mon you aren't divorcing me because I left a shirt on the ground. And, you haven't seen anything on the ground in 4 months. I cook, clean, do laundry you name it I do it. These still aren't the real reasons she wants out. She then said "you have been knocking yourself out to make your self trying to look attractive to me(I bought a bunch of new going out clothes). It is a joke. Why didn't you keep the clothes I used to buy for you instead of taking them back to the store." I said there is another example of me making changes for me and I won't lie, for you. And you call it a joke. Sara, I thought I had enough going out clothes at the time....

Anyway, at that point I mentioned Retrouville. Suprisingly she said yes. I said this is something you have to be open to. She said I am. I will take it as a positive step. So we are registered on 10/23. That will at least give her time with her new therapist she starts on Sept 10 to work with her on her other issues. I just can't sit idlely by in Limbo week after week month after month in Limbo. I feel unless we do development communication between us, we will remain in limbo until one of us cries uncle and files. Something tells me she could wait it out for years with me DB'ing....Some people can do that, I know that is something I can't do. Not fair to myself or our sons.

So hopefully, it isn't just her trying to appease me and that there is some semblance of her serious about wanting to try. Even though this morning she said she was done with the marriage.

[Sara]

Good work. Read Thinker's thread about boundary discussions. He is in similar circumstances to you. I think the thread is called: "Is this Pursuit?"

[fisherman]

This morning, which is the best time to communicate with her, I got the same story--I still want a divorce.

She may mean what she says she may not. Regardless the confused feelings she has are very real to her.

You can talk this to death. It will push her further away and you will keep getting "the same story."

Be confident in your changes, telling her about them takes the power out of them so to speak.

Agreeing to Retrouville is a good sign, back away a bit, focus on you and see if she follows through.[/quote]

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Sara,

I started to read it. There is alot. Any you are correct, it there are alot of similarities. And it appears there is some success. And I love a good success story....

Plan on finishing tomorrow. Thanks again for the retrouville recommendation.

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Trapt.

Looks like you are having a crazy saturday night like me. Looking on the DB website....

I thank you for the post. I agree, backing off is what I plan on doing for sometime now. At least that is the current plan...

She starts her job on Monday. First time she is going back to work in 10 years. New therapist on Sept. 10. And Retrouville in October.

Hope she does follow through on her committment to go. We had a block party tonight. Most of the neighborhood was there. I find out that she spilled her guts the other night to three of the girls in the neighborhood. She couldn't say enough of how good a guy I am. I am a great catch, Great Father....

She went through the whole father thing, all her issues, when the called her on the her craziness and what she is doing, her only response was I'm done, I'm just Done. She couldn't come up with anything else to justify her actions. I agree she may mean it and may not...I am staying in there in hopes that she doesn't. If she does, that can change to. But as I have somewhat changed my scope of thinking in the past week. I can't DB forever(OK-Maybe I haven't really started yet). But I cannot and will not sit by and loose my sense of self. A guy can only swallow his pride, put the ego on the shelf before it starts to change him. And not change him for the better.

I could not be the father I need to be if I let that happen continously. My sons can see it already. I do know she does have some sort of mental disease at this point. Not sure anymore if it is MLC, severe depression, childhood issues coming to fruition or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she is lucid as can be and knows exactly what she is doing. Living platonically indefinitely is not the right thing for me or my sons. They need to see their parents in a loving relationship. My W is a much better actor than me...

Anyway, my plan is to let the chips fall where they may over the next 6 weeks...

[Arwen_in_NJ]

D-
It just sounds like your pride is more important to you than your love for your wife or your commitment to your marriage.

If she had cancer, would you be saying "how long must I put up with this until she shows signs of being better?". I think MLC is as much of a disease- it's just mental, not physical. It's more like being with someone who's become addicted to drugs. They are irresponsible. Their personality changes, they do things they know are wrong and justify it till the cows come home.

It's a hell of a ride.

[d1adsl5a]

Arwen:

It isn't that my pride is more important. It just that if I keep letting her walk on me and say the things she is saying, I am not going to look to attractive to come back to either. My committment is there and will be there for awhile. I also feel we can lose that piece of ourselves somewhere along the line if we don't call it at some point.

I agree hold heartedly that it is mental. There isn't a person(other than her old college friends that are D, Single) that doesn't think she has lost it. The only problem is what will it take for her to find "it" again. Months, Years, Me actually filing for divorce, her being alone and saying what the hell have I done...

I take the vow I made seriously. She doesn't. And will continue to say she is "Done" to me and everyone else around her. So I will continue to take the hurting comments such as the one from saturday: You are always trying to look you best around me, you bought cologone, the shoes that you returned that I bought once...You are a joke." I guess at least she is noticing...

[fisherman]

So I will continue to take the hurting comments such as the one from saturday:

You have to keep reminding yourself that she is liable to say anything at the moment. Find a way to let it roll off your back. "Normal", "happy" people wouldn't dream of doing this to anyone. Stop listening to that garbage.

Only listen if what she says has merit.

at least she is noticing...

Keep growing, keep changing, they all want us to stand still. Get your focus off of her craziness and put it where it belongs....on you.

You don't have to lay down and let her disrespect you. You can stand up for yourself. Just remember she is looking for any BS reason she can find to justify what she is doing. Don't give her any and if you can't then keep your distance.

[d1adsl5a]

Trapt:

Here you loud and clear. Today was a good day for me. A confident day. I do believe you're right. It was kind of funny tonight. I was doing homework with two of my sons. My wife kept getting aggravated that they wern't getting it. She preceded to say to me why are you not getting upset. That is what you used to do with our other son when he was procratinating and not getting the concept. I said yea, I used to. And left it at that and just kept on with the homework. While she poured her third or fourth glass of wine for the night and went to watch tv while I finshed the homework with my boys...

So, a day with drama. Not going to say that I wasn't down for awhile today. But was happy at home..

[Jimbo]

Trapt:

Here you loud and clear. Today was a good day for me. A confident day. I do believe you're right. It was kind of funny tonight. I was doing homework with two of my sons. My wife kept getting aggravated that they wern't getting it. She preceded to say to me why are you not getting upset. That is what you used to do with our other son when he was procratinating and not getting the concept. I said yea, I used to. And left it at that and just kept on with the homework. While she poured her third or fourth glass of wine for the night and went to watch tv while I finshed the homework with my boys...

So, a day with drama. Not going to say that I wasn't down for awhile today. But was happy at home..

Great job with showing her the change, D1! Just make sure it's a real change, and not just to "get her back". She knows you well enough by now to see through anything that might be considered a ploy. She will test you, and try to use it against you if it isn't real.

Consistency is key.