If it has only been four months, then she may not be ready for any pressure. I know it's been a long time to you and it seems longer even here on the board, but I would not have been ready that soon. The fact she is in a friendly place with you is good and to slowly work up to getting more affectionate is probably a safer way to go. You know her better than anyone else, so go with you gut.
For what it worth, my H putting his arm around the back of the theater seat would not have bothered me as much as trying to hold my hand. Hand holding is more intimate.
I do think it is a little early to try to hold her hand. But if I occasionally "accidentally" brush up against her loading the dishwasher, well....
I have been very careful not to pursue. If there is one thing I think I have done correctly, it is that.
If I were a betting man, and I'm not, I would guess she is starting to allow herself to believe my changes are real and not just a ploy to keep her. Whether she believes the changes are real or not is not the point. They ARE real, and whatever she chooses, I will not change back to the old version of me even I did not like.
I have noticed she seems to be moving "towards" me without saying it. She lingers in the den (where we always watch tv or surf the web) until after I leave to go to bed. This past week, I could sense she was disappointed?? I went to bed rather than stay up with her. She used to say "good night" or "sleep well" with a very confident tone, that seemed to suugest she was great with the sleeping arrangements. Lately, I dtect the beginnings of sorrw?? in her tone when she say "good night."
W seems a lot happier with herself since she quit her job. She is still looking for a new job, but she really seems happy. The extra money from her working would be nice, but I would much rather us be happy. You can't put a price on that.
One thing that really sticks out in mind is something she said when she dropped the bomb in April. And that was in response to my request that she hold off on making a final decision about D until I could show her I could change (this was pre-DB). She responded with "Well, I will wait, but I'm not going to wait six months." Well, right now, it's been a little over four months since that time. And I do not sense her pulling away. I sense her moving "towards" me.
Just needed to get this out of my wee little head. I used to discuss this type of thing with W, but right now (and probably in the future if there is one with her), she does not need to know about this.
Sleep badly last night. Had a nightmare, and I cannot tell you what prompted it. I dreampt my W was going on her first date with another man. Funny part was even in my dream, I was using my best DB'ing. But, it was pretty disturbing. In the dream, I even walked W and dude out the door on their date, almost as if I was W's father sending her out on a high school date.
I have seen nothing at all suggesting this is what's on W's mind. And as upside down as things have been since April, her seeing someone would REALLY be out of character for her. Before anyone says anything, I KNOW this alien isn't someone I used to know as my W. I DO NOT discount any possibility. But, there is NO EVIDENCE of any funny bidness - and I've looked.
Anyway, I will chalk up this nightmare to craziness or perhaps something I ate.
Here's something funny for you. A couple months back my W had a dream where I had someoone else. It really seemed to rock her to the core. Keep in mind...SHE is the WAS!
Even through all of this I don't think your W would want to see you with someone else any more than you would want to see her and OM.
Just my 2 cents.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I like to think my efforts have gotten her to take a step back from the edge of D. Don't know where we will end up. But - don't think she sees D as only option now.
Ahhh, another "Gone With the Wind" fan! I think Melanie is a sweetheart and would make the "best friend" in the world, but I think of you, Dia, as being much more spicy & fun with your H. I find it hard to believe you would take as much as Mellie would. She would simply look the other way and cry. Do you think that is what you do?
Speaking of that movie, I used Rhett Butler's character once as an example to a young man here on the board, and he prefered to think of what would James Bond do in a situtuation. James Bond is totally unrealistic.... But, whatever works!
Okay, I'll hand it back over to the owner of this thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Score one for me, I think. We got back home after our show/date today, which went well. W and I were talking to our babysitter who was going to sit later tonight for a newly D'd mom. She tells us both the mom and dad are crazy. Dad shows up at mom's house unannounced to check where his ex-wife is and who is at house.
Afte sitter leaves, I said wow, that sounds crazy. W says that's strange how H shows up unannounced. I said well, he obviously is checking out when his ex W is out and who is at the house. W says, "But HE left her.". Without missing a beat, I looked up from the pork loin I was prepping for the grill and said, that doesn't matter b/c often the one who leaves doesn't know what they are losing until after they leave which leads to a change of heart. Then I returned to my pork loin.
My comment does not appear to have ticked off W. And if it did, so be it. I don't care. I said what I meant and meant what I said.
That wasn't "score one", more like a slam dunk! You took the air right out of the room with that statement. You can't see/hear me right now, but I'm laughing my arss off. "Bestselling author" suggestion for you...I'll be taking my 10% cut when it comes to fruition.
My W has alot of anger aimed at me right now and can only see the negatives in me. If she does go through with the divorce, I guarantee that dynamic changes and then she realizes all of my positives. But it will be too late by then.
Well done, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Afte sitter leaves, I said wow, that sounds crazy. W says that's strange how H shows up unannounced. I said well, he obviously is checking out when his ex W is out and who is at the house. W says, "But HE left her.". Without missing a beat, I looked up from the pork loin I was prepping for the grill and said, that doesn't matter b/c often the one who leaves doesn't know what they are losing until after they leave which leads to a change of heart. Then I returned to my pork loin.
GIMA,
Nice job. Sounds like a future conversation I'll be having with my W one of these days- after she pulls her head out of her a$$.
By the way, how was your pork loin?
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
But, whatever works! 