I don't know, she said she didn't get anything like it. The appt wasn't in her plans
Filled out all the dumb paperwork about the relatiosnhips in our family. W says, we don't have any disagreement about custody, why the hearing?
I said, so we can detect sound. Made her laugh. She says, how do you do that?
We had a couple of conversations, which I'm not going to report on, mostly because I've already taken my sleepy pills. She wanted to talk about logistics with the kids, some about the support stuff, et
Sat next to her for a little while to watch TV. After I said, can we not talk about this stuff for awile, I was able to make her laugh a little more. After awhile she put her hand on my arm, left it there for a long time. I didn't react at all. We just sat there like that, watching TV.
I still don't understand.
I've got to save this marriage.
This song keeps playing in my head. I've always like it, but coming back to it again now. One way or another, the winter pays for the summer... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cM2g0oi3AdU
Coach, I didn't thank you for your post. Thank you, it helped.
This has been a crazy day.
I had appt with L at 2:00. I really liked her and hired her. She looked at the paperwork, was suprised that there was already a court date, that a petition had already been filed. Went through the paperwork, all the support stuff, the exclusive use of the home, paying for W's legal fees, etc. She saw who my wife's L was, she said that she knows this guy, and apparently he's a real scumbag. She says this guy doesn't mediate, his goal is generally to drive up legal fees with litigation, that he comes on strong and tends to not accept compromises.
With my wife wanting to mediate, she said he talked her into stuff she didn't want, or that she didn't understand what he was doing.
So, I went home and went over this with my W. Told her what she was doing, she said, no that's not what she had said. So I showed her all the paperwork that she'd signed.
So, she says, I made a mistate, this isn't what I wanted to do at all. I told her my L was offering mediation, "collaborative" D, showed her some of the info that the L had given me. That if she wanted to do it this way, she would have to get her L to "sub out" I think was the terminology.
W said, OK, let's go down there right now and change this. Well, L was leaving the office at that point so we made an appointment for Monday 12:00.
So, W said, should we talk about what we want? Should we go in prepared for what we're seeking, and started to talk. Talked about, do we want to sell the house, the merits of keeping the boys in the home, etc. She said she has seen condos for sale cheap here locally, the payments would be cheaper than rent. And brought up the idea again of us swapping time in the house with the boys. She sees us eating spending time as a family, meals and so on, providing stability for the boys.
OK this is where it gets crazy, guys.
I said, OK, you want to negotiate, let's negotiate.
I will do this, and give you seperation and time alone, if you will stop the divorce and go to counciling. We both get something we want.
She agreed to this. For some period of time, I guess until at least the boys finish the school year.
She said, we better get a good therapist, so we're not wasting our time. And if nothing else we'll be able to exit this process healthier.
So, the idea is that on the monday appointment, we going to stop the divorce.
And we're going to look at real-estate, probably some 2-bedroom condo.
So, I've gained: stop the D and counciling. No promises. She said even that she didn't want to go on dates right now. She talked about the "incompatibility" she felt with our intimacy. BUT - counciling.
I've also gained the complication of real seperation.
She admitted that, this will help her get an idea of what it will be really like, what the cost will be (emotional cost). Will help her get perspective. Maybe that's good. Will allow her to have time where she's not "taking care" of everyone.
She said that the stuff I've been doing around the house, the effort I've been putting in, has made an impact on her. Actually said "well played..." Eeee...
I'm playing fast and loose here. Hopefully... hopefully, this is the start in a new direction.
I'm glad you hired a good L. That L must be a scumbag, b/c to file stuff the client doesn't want and not copy her on that kind of stuff-sounds like the guy should be reported to the Bar.
Overall it sounds great. For her to agree to cancel or at least postpone the D, makes me think that she's not having an EA/PA. From what I've seen here, if a WAS isn't willing to work on the marriage or try counseling they're usually in a PA. Esp. when kids are involved.
Have you also considered Retroville (prob. spelled wrong). I've heard great things about it, but haven't personally gone, so don't know about that. And you need to get a pro-marriage DB-type MC. Not like your last one!!!
The only thing I would be concerned about is looking into buying real estate for your W? What if she does decide to go ahead and D in 6 months or a year? Is that a good financial decision? Would you still be happy with that purchase if you D in a year or 2?
I do think that D is expensive in itself, so almost any $$$ you spend should be less, but still. Plus condos may be cheaper than rent, but you'll have to make repairs, pay property taxes, and homeowner's insurance, so it may not be that much cheaper if at all.
Thank you for the response, I really appreciate your support and the responses. It really helps.
Yeah, positive things, I feel like I've dodged a bullet, or maybe am dodging. Still need to get her to follow through on Monday, but she shook on it
She asked at one point, "what if I want to date?" That question went largely unresolved. Kind of shook me.
I have the same questions about buying a condo, I don't know if this is a viable plan. Maybe we can rent something, that might be a better idea. This is kind of unfolding real-time.
W was looking at it as in investment, but cripes, if we're going to pick up a condo that's been on the market 250 days, would we be able to sell it later? Presumably the market will improve. I don't know. But it's a plan, and I think we can adapt where needed.
We discovered these places have a monthly fee / dues / whatever - I've never owned a condo, but the way I understand it you've got to pay for the overall upkeep of the building. Yeah, well - we'll see what we come to. Just out of the gate on this one.
The Retrouvaille thing has been suggested, and it occured to me over the past 18 hours now, that his might be something to look into. My wife has a pretty negative view of anything associated with religion right now, so I need to be careful with this - but I have it in my back pocket.
What do you think about this rotation idea? THe idea that we switch off time in the house / other place, and that the kids stay in the house? Seemed crazy to me at first, but now it seems workable.
I think it's a really good idea to give her space - time to experience being without me. That way we can both regroup - she can stop her "caretaker" behaviors, I can learn to be alone... funny, I've always been very good at being alone, as long as I've known she's there. I'm a solitary guy, it's true - and as soon as this all happens I fall apart. Ironic.
She went out with a friend last night and got home really late - funny, I had fallen asleep in a chair, and she got me up and got me to bed (yeah, I'd taken pills to sleep, was out of it). She's still in bed now.
Still having trouble getting up, but made myself get out of bed and jump rope - so for once didn't lay in the bottom of the shower. Trying to find strategies to beet the blues. I've got to be less distracted at work too. I didn't even go back yesterday... Need to get it together. yes, I probably sound like a broken record. But, yeah, had to take a damn xanex this morning, when I started wondering, is the plan workable??
She asked at one point, "what if I want to date?" That question went largely unresolved. Kind of shook me.
Well, I think that's something you have to decide. I don't think it's ok for married people to date esp. when they have kids. If you feel that way, then I think you should not tell her dating is ok. Don't let the threat of D make you agree to something that you're not ok with. What I'm thinking is if you don't want dating while married, don't bring it up again, but if she does, then say that's an issue to deal with in MC and deal with it there.
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I have the same questions about buying a condo, I don't know if this is a viable plan. Maybe we can rent something, that might be a better idea. This is kind of unfolding real-time.
I don't know that condos are a good investment, and I don't think so for the next couple years at least. If you wanted to sell in the case of a D that might be impossible. My other concern is that you buy a property, it seems like it's easier to separate and D than renting one. Kind of makes the separation more permanent. I mean I would think you wouldn't want to continue in a marriage with separate houses long-term, but just short-term. I don't think buying is recommended for the short-term and esp. not in today's market.
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What do you think about this rotation idea? THe idea that we switch off time in the house / other place, and that the kids stay in the house? Seemed crazy to me at first, but now it seems workable.
I think it's a bad idea. You shouldn't have to leave your house/children b/c your W wants space. If she wants space, then she should get an apt. or whatever. Her choice and decision, then she should have consequences for them not you.
Now she's back to talking about co-habitating the house, and it will be cheaper for her to go get a hotel room when she needs to be away. She's worried about the financials. Crap, we just both put down freaking $3500 retainers on lawyers.
She said she's looking forward to this meeting on Monday. That's good. I don't know where she is on stopping the D, I think that's slipping away - she said that this is still what she wants and that it's already in motion, and that obviously I want something different and she doesn't want to give false hope. Well, I can't control what she does. I guess I should stop trying.
Yeah, I need to talk less. Mentioned the dumb FB thing, and made some other dumb comments about how I can't comprehend how this would be after - I think it sounded kind of desperate. I need to stop talking.
She said that she can see me struggling even though I put on a brave face. She can see through me. Need to fix that too.
She got home at 3am - went out with a friend who is seperated. Sounds like there was some talking to guys. This really burned me up but I didn't talk ask much about it. She's wearing her wedding ring on the other hand now.
So GAL, right. I said, "I'm going out," and I went out. Well, it was good to get out of the house. I drove around and picked up some real estate flyers, checked out an apartment. Gathering info. And then I went to, yes Safeway and got a sandwitch and a smoothie. YEAH I'm living it up. Went to the bookstore and bought "Divorce for Dummies", and got a haircut. So - well, I was out of the house anyway.
Did you know they've got books for people who want to take their spouse for all their worth? One was called "Hit him where it hurts" - WTF? I looked at books about co-parenting, collaborative divorce, etc. but not sure which would be worth it without looking at reviews.
So we all went to a movie this afternoon - "Shorts" - which made litte sense Took the boys for a walk - I'm starting to see how much exercise helps.
I'll sitck to DB, yeah. Still feel like I'm circling the drain.
I really want to get rid of this 24x7 feeling that I've got to throw up, or that I'm going to start shaking. Just little things like the odd heavy sigh, and rubbing my head while driving, W picks up on and asks if I'm OK. Well, more than that, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to sleep through the night. I want to be able to give a genuine smile.
I know there's a path in my head to this place, I just need to find it.
I still wanted to grab her and hug her this morning, it took a force of will to not do it.
There's a version of me that is self-reliant, confident, resilient. I need to remember that guy.
Well, we're going to the state fair today. She's making scones for breakfast.
Well, I think you did the right thing by laying all that out on the table, but now I'm thinking you should pull back. Stop R talk and D talk and yeah, just talking in general. Vent here or with friends. Not family, that doesn't usually work too well!!!
I think you have a good chance. She's so confused and when reality/consequences really sink in for her, and if you're not pursuing/pressuring, I think things will work out. In my case, my H was in love with OW and never has looked back or confused or waivered about D. So you have a much different sitch than mine.
DBing is for you and your kids, and to help you get through this. I plan to DB the rest of my life, and I think you should too. Your wife has given you so much info. Keep it up. I've seen success stories on this board and never seen it happen in a day or week. And it's usually when the LBS gets detached/drops the rope. You need to work on getting to that point.
