I have felt the same way. I've let Saturdays when I am without my kids go unproductive -- I've let the serious reorganization, consolidation and cleaning effort I began earlier in the Summer to languish. My apartment is a wreck, a never ending reminder of the entropy I struggle against. I suffer paralysis at the magnitude of what lies before me. It's all I can do sometimes to get myself up to face the day.
I have suffered deep depression for more than five years. Oddly, I think I began to turn the corner on that right after the bomb struck -- I had to get myself out of that or else I would not be here now. I discovered that God was waiting for me, ready to pick me up and lead me. I am more truly joyful now than I can remember, but that does not mean that I still don't suffer the recurring pain of depression from time to time. Given how much each of we LBS' go through, how could we not feel these lead weights.
No, the dark cloud is always there, ready to consume me if I let it. And with God's help, it won't, I won't. I can recognize it now, much more easily, and seeing it for what it is, I can deal with it better.
You're not alone here. You have lots of company -- although that very thought brings both comfort and its own sadness at the same time.
Do you have an IC? Just talking to my IC, who has been a spiritual as well as psychological counselor, has helped me tremendously over these last two years. I haven't seen my IC since April, and I think it is way past time to speak with him again (maybe when I get past this financial drought.)
The main thing to remember is that your first course of action is to talk to God. Prayer is so important to your entire well-being. It should always be our first course of action, not our last. It really helps and does give me the strength I need to carry on.
