Which is worse? Voicing it like that, sans tact? Or not voicing it at all based on the assumption that (a) his ego wouldn't survive it or (b) he didn't care enough to try to change things up or (c) didn't have the intelligence, creativity, and mad man skillz to succeed even he he did try?
Again, it was what it was. Yes, @Kett, you're absolutely right. In LTRs we all feel this way, and one would hope that the R would be robust enough that it could be discussed.
But, and here I sympathize (with myself?) with Kimmie Lee's POV, she might have brought it up before we were naked and I was a'doing my thang. She could have said, an hour before, "Hey, guy, when we go upstairs and you start working your mojo, do you think you could XYZ? I've been thinking that would be hot."
I mean, she could have made -- had she cared? -- changing-up the bed-cycle part of the bed-cycle, yeah? Part of the fun?
She wasn't happy, so she should have spoken up (at greater length and less hurtfully) but the same could be said of you, sounds like. Someone gotta drag this stuff, kicking and screaming, out from under the bed.
Oh there was speaking up. I'd been pretty clear and honest with WAW about what the missing piece for me was in that department (she wouldn't inflate a balloon, if you will). And I brought it up a number of times, from about 1993 to 1996 or so. And was told, sometime during the second Clinton administration, that "if I ever brought that up again I'd regret it."
Okay. And I took that admonition seriously until one day, about 2006 or 2007 (after we moved into the current house, because I have a sense memory of the occasion / location), I brought it up again.
Fail. And that was the last time I brought it up, until one of our post-D-bomb good-convos, at which time I was told "that was never going to happen, no matter what."
Okee-dokee. So for me it was Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.
So you don't see any possibilities between pitching a fit in a restaurant/marching off in a hissy fit and .... never mentioning it again???
Why assume I never mentioned it again? I did. Apologies were offered, excuses were proffered.
But it didn't change the basic fact that, post-Iraqi Freedom, this was a pattern. Which seems to loom ever-larger in my evaluations, for what it's worth (which, admittedly, isn't much -- small beer, as you might say).
But we are at this point getting into the flotsam and jetsam of the R, not the Main Events.
She wasn't happy, so she should have spoken up (at greater length and less hurtfully) but the same could be said of you, sounds like. Someone gotta drag this stuff, kicking and screaming, out from under the bed.
Oh there was speaking up. I'd been pretty clear and honest with WAW about what the missing piece for me was in that department (she wouldn't inflate a balloon, if you will). And I brought it up a number of times, from about 1993 to 1996 or so. And was told, sometime during the second Clinton administration, that "if I ever brought that up again I'd regret it."
Okay. And I took that admonition seriously until one day, about 2006 or 2007 (after we moved into the current house, because I have a sense memory of the occasion / location), I brought it up again.
Fail. And that was the last time I brought it up, until one of our post-D-bomb good-convos, at which time I was told "that was never going to happen, no matter what."
Okee-dokee. So for me it was Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.
You know they found the cure for women wanting to blow up ballons don't you?
A: Wedding cake.
Remind me to tell you the story about Neil Armstrong and Manny Klein one day.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You can't Saturday-evening quarterback the question.
There's two little kidlets to consider when asking the question, "Why bother?" Not trying to answer for you, of course ..
That's the Main Event, isn't it? For a long time I would have said "anything for the kids," even though WAW herself declared in plain English, "I decided my happiness is more important than theirs."
But Friend -- not FFF, but Studly Paragon of He-Manliness (11 on the Charles Atlas Scale of Absolute Manitude) Friend -- asked a real puzzler one day.
"SP, my man," said he, whilst bench-pressing an imported automobile, "If you choose on the basis of Themselves and not of you, what happens when Themselves leave the nest? If you're not True to yourself, are you really modeling what you want for them? Maybe you are; maybe you aren't -- spot me here, will you, I want to add a Chevy to this -- but it seems to me to be something worth considering."
She could have said, an hour before, "Hey, guy, when we go upstairs and you start working your mojo, do you think you could XYZ? I've been thinking that would be hot."
I mean, she could have made -- had she cared? -- changing-up the bed-cycle part of the bed-cycle, yeah? Part of the fun?
Oh, for goodness sake, did you plan your encounters too? She did not know what the hell would make it work...it just wasn't working...trust me on that.
Let me Xplain...W is not attracted to H (for whatever reasons that may or not be his "fault")...obligatory encounter begins. W prays to the Gods of Orgasms for some catharsis and plunges in only to feel...not a whole lot...W feels broken, despondent, frustrated, angry (this has to be something he is doing wrong, dammit)...W subsequently wonders, is it him or is it me, Signore shows up and W gets that tingly feeling...hmmm...maybe W is not broken, maybe it was H...
I only got to the tingly part and than got about 200,000,000 miles away from whoever elicited the tingly feeling but I wondered, is my equipment broken or could it be my partner. And, I did have the presence of mind to recognize the emotional elements of our dynamic that were destroying bedroom life (still couldn't quite get through to H).
Anyhoo, EVERYTHING else aside...NO BJs?????? Ever???? Even I, the queen of "not tonight I have a headache" would dole those out (well and relatively frequently I might add)...he was frustrated that I wouldn't swallow anymore (spoiled rotten I'd say after reading your post).
"SP, my man," said he, whilst bench-pressing an imported automobile, "If you choose on the basis of Themselves and not of you, what happens when Themselves leave the nest? If you're not True to yourself, are you really modeling what you want for them? Maybe you are; maybe you aren't -- spot me here, will you, I want to add a Chevy to this -- but it seems to me to be something worth considering."
And he was right. It is worth considering.
How about this? Do what you feel like doing. All of this cerebral stuff has little to do with what will be, only what was. And your manly friends' advice is the same kind of simple malarky everyone says.
Obviously, there is value in considering the mother of your kids as a prospect. So, let her be a prospect. You want to make a decision...so go with no until you feel compelled to reconsider. It's ok, you're entitled.
Why not go into MC with your newfound confidence and just take it in...see what you're dealing with?
And your manly friends' advice is the same kind of simple malarky everyone says.
Of course it is. But sometimes there's a nugget of gold in them thar hills. It all depends upon what you make of the malarkey. (And tell me in all honesty that 9/10ths of what's in DR isn't in its own way simplistic malarkey -- doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.)
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Why not go into MC with your newfound confidence and just take it in...see what you're dealing with?
