Its totally your choice when to walk away. Only you know when to do that. I think you have been doing some great work on yourself with your IC. You have such great self awareness. But (IMO only!!) your IC is not making sense on her couples advice. So you are 100% responsible for you and yet 100% responsible for your H too? That is not logical. Accept full responsibilty for your 50% only.
All of us have parents that screw us up in some way, just as we will do for our kids. Its all part of life, I don't believe in the picket fence and apple pie family. Some of us get the hits in childhood. Some of us get the raw deals as adults. Some of us have to hold the marriage together early on. Some of us now. You did the best you could then, with the tools you could, just like your H is doing now.
My H was 100% ademant we were over when he said its over. It was what he believed ON THAT DAY. Just how logical is your H right now? He is in a deep fog and thinks this will be the answer to his problems. I don't know what he will do, but his anger has GOT to burn out. Maybe that last time he spoke to you was the beginning of the end of the anger phase? Maybe he needs this to move forward. Maybe he just thinks he needs it and if you stall and stretch out the process without making it obvious it will take enough pressure off him to keep moving through.
Look, you know your sitch best, and have a good feel for what you need to do inside you. It just sounds to me like the is your IC choice, right now. And also, surely the time to let him go is when you are letting him go with love, not with exhustion?
Hope I havn't confused you too much with my ramblings.
You seem to be having almost word for word the same discussions that I had a few months ago with both your H and IC. I felt similar to you and was ready to walk (within a week I had brought new duvet cover for our bed, started moving furniture, changed hair, man I was flashing moving on lights to H). When I said the next week after our discussion I had a new house picked out (H seemed v v suprised he was no longer controling things, it hadn't occured to him at all).
It was when I asked him to move help me a large mirror into the living room on a saturday night (favourite piece of both of us), while listening to some funky music in the background and having a wine, that I think our first step back closer was made. It was just so much pressure had been taken off us, nothing else needed to be said and we could just start to hang together again as mates no pressure, like old times in a way. It was a very unexpected window to DB in and I wasn't ready for the abrupt change in headspace after so much waiting for the current nightmare to finish, and how different it got so quickly. Some major gears are going change for you, 24 hour rule really useful at this stage huh?
So I guess I am saying telling him you rang five times is not stalling. Maybe you don't here back until Tuesday and errr don't talk to your SIL like I did thinking it was all over!?
...keeping the face on, no bad humour/sadness dressed up/looking good ..keeping with the things that make me feel good-mediation tapes, sleep, exercise, fun with the kids ..dropping off some of the therapy visits-fortnightly instead of weekly. ...telling her that right now is NOT a good time to rip through family of origin stuff for me and that I`d like to feel more supported in getting through this WITH H ...show H that I am moving on-not going to trawl through past stuff with him esp as he is decided that we`re done. ..stay out of his way even more ...have lots of fun
As it happens, I`m booked into a full day of meditation and yoga tomorrow. So won`t see much of him at all.
You are assuming that a MLC'er acts with a rational mind. That 24 hour rule should actually be the 48 hour rule for you right now.
He is projecting HIS feelings onto you. He's looking for YOU to make a move to see where you stand. You told him that this needs to be HIS doing right ?
Then let him shoulder it all for now , chances are he will slow when he sees you not reacting to his BS.
You really enjoy responding to him pushing your buttons huh ?
PS ? I really am starting to dislike your F-ing therapist.
Hey man. Would you mind posting this to Fallgirl for me ?
You are reading. I almost thought you inhabited Trapt's body until I read the last line LOL. Missed your wisdom man.
I know I don't think I like her therapist either.
FG,
you are doing good and you are getting the idea. Today is one of those gonna kill H days for me (funny all he did was wake up) so I'm not going to try to say anything really insightful or rational right now. Don't even know why I'm feeling like this, haven't had one of those days in a long time.
But Storm, I do like your idea of the duvet cover and whatnot for the bed. Our room has always been low on my list but I think it is time to make it what I want and like.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm not going to try to say anything really insightful or rational right now. Don't even know why I'm feeling like this, haven't had one of those days in a long time.
You've pretty much summed up my past month Cat. LOL! Hang in there. Try to keep your focus on something positive.
Thanks guys! Feeling better today AND getting some DB mode back post therapy. Luckily H hasn`t been around for any of my post therapy stuff.
My therapist left her H and kids to `go on her journey`. So I guess that`s one of the places we diverge.
Plus she really seems to get where H is at. "You`re driving him CRAZY" even though she hasn`t met him.
So, I`m appreciating her getting me out of anxiety mode(no more xanax!) but think she doesn`t get MLC or PA or whatever it is behaviours H is into right now. Plus she isn`t into that extra step marriage may be capbale of getting to;ie the awakening stage which may happen beyond this misery phase.
I dunno.
I`ve got a roaring toothache tonight though, which no doubt has been sent by God to distract me from all other pain! Thanks, GOd! I need that!
And H is STILL not home. No, he hasn`t texted. AND the kids haven`t even asked where he is.
but he needs space, so I`m OK with that.
I`m still letting him roll on with the mediation route. Let him feel what control is like if he thinks he`s been missing it.
My mainer aim though is to build UP my self confidence. Have fun, stay gentle, humble and forgiving of H. Know my mistakes in this.
And move on, if need be.
Thanks, thanks, thanks for your continued support.
Wouldn`t be at this point without you guys cos no one else seems to get why I`m still here!
I don't understand why I'm still here so I don't understand what you are doing either, LOL, was actually wondering a little while ago if I was the one having MLC. But seriously, we are all doing what we feel is right and there is nothing wrong with that.
Thanks for the insight on the therapist. I don't doubt that she is a good therapist but I was beginning to wonder if she was being clouded by her personal life, which seems like may be the case.
Trapt, sorry that your last month has been like my today. I feel better after simply typing that out on here actually. The last hour or so has been very calm for me and I was actually able to sit in the same room with H without wanting to do something to him that I won't describe, but it can't be done to women, so that is enough graphic. I actually think that a great deal of it is a side effect of the migraine that I have been harboring for a few days now. I haven't had one in a while, although I have suffered with them my whole life, and it finally decided to try to make my head explode earlier today. So after a morning of running errands when all I wanted to do was have a lobotomy, I took my medication for it and slept for a few hours. Woke up sans headache but still grouchy for a while. As was evident in what I posted. LOL.
Tell that Mach to get back here soon.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
