H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[Stronger]

Gina....
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you have any idea how excited everyone on this board would be to be in your shoes?
Ok, you do, I know that and you know that. You are grateful to be here.....WITH HIM.
Back off. If you wish it, it will happen. So wish good things.
Stop the counselor and really concentrate on each other. There's advice on this board on how to piece it back together and keep the positive momentum going.
He's said he's committed. He wants a new R with you. So let that happen.
You're dating again. He chose you. Remember that.
When he backs up, let him. Make a list of crap you need to do and when he gets like this, go do it. Knit something. Scrapbook. Read that book you got a the library. Go bowling. Meet the girls out....whatever.
YES you do still need to concentrate on you.
If he goes to bed alone, check on him if you want just to make sure he understands, you aren't mad or making a statement, but you are going to give him space and sleep in your own bed. Space is still good. Space was good before and space will be good always. We all need it.
There's a Dave Matthews song....it's called the Space Between.

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you, love

The space between, the tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between, the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today?
We waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games were playing

Were strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild-eyed beast you be
The space between, the wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold you...

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in a church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we dont take this ship down

The space between, where you smile and hide
Where youll find me if I get to go
The space between, the bullets in our fire fight
Is where Ill be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between, our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
cause were walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need dear
The space between, whats wrong and right
Is where youll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between, your heart and mine
Is a space well fill with time
The space between...

I love this song. Right now, that's where I live. The Space Between. You can live there with me on occasion if you need to....rent free.

[Sara]

Make the commitment and book the Retrouvaille weekend now. It will give you something to look forward to. In many areas, there are weekends coming up in September. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org to find the dates near you.

[ginab1966]

We’re still plugging long. Not hot but not cold either. Just this lukewarm friendly sort of relationship. This is a far cry from where we were but it’s light years away from where I would like to see the relationship be. Sometimes I think it’s never going to get to that place. I know I’ve only just begun the repair process but I sometimes wonder if he will ever evolve into the emotional maturity he needs to have to maintain a grown up, loving, partnership. The emotional baggage and mental illness he has just may not allow him. That said, this is my big concern. When I first left him he was suicidal and voluntarily check himself into a treatment facility. He was there a week, diagnosed as bi-polar with depression issues and sent home w/a treatment plan. That treatment plan has never been followed. Not even CLOSE to what the aftercare called for. He was told he needed 2 therapy sessions a week. He may get 3 or 4 in per month…at best. Now, he’s going to go bowling on the only days his counselor can see him. So, hes going to see her once per month. They have also taken him off Abilifi and said he is not bi-polar and the initial diagnosis was incorrect. Since he has stopped taking the Abilifi, I’ve noticed a change in his behavior. He is more sullen, moody, runs hot and cold w/ his emotions for me. Now, this has only been since last Friday but I’m definitely seeing a difference. I always said I would try if he continued to seek help for his issues. Yes, I guess that means that if he changes, things will be better. I also know that you should never expect your mate to change in order to save the marriage. Well, that’s true to some degree. I need him to be more emotionally and mentally stable. When he isn’t well, he is not able to connect w/ me in the way that I need him to.

I know in this rebuilding phase I’m not supposed to talk about our R in any way except for counseling and I’m supposed to not pressure him and just concentrate on myself. I know I can’t “save” him and that’s what I tend to do with my co-dependant nature. However, his behavior does affect our family and our marriage. He needs help, he’s not getting it. We didn’t set this as a boundry other than to say that we would both continue individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. He did say that if he felt he needed more than once per month, he would do it….then added…but I think I’m just fine. It just seems like things are going to go back to just the way they were…before I left…the reason I left in the first place.

How do I handle this and still save my marriage..

G

[ginab1966]

ok...ok..just ignore me. Stronger is so right. I am not concentrating on myself. I am concentrating on HIM...HIS issues, HIS moods, HIS affect on the marriage. When will I ever learn that I cannot control his behavior and within reason, I cannot focus on him. Truth is that I'm just so scared...and I'm acting scared. I need to stop it immediately. With my H, he can turn on a dime and you are in or you are out. He's said he's willing to try and it's just so wonderful. Then, he withdraws and, because I know him so well, I know that at any minute he can turn to me and say "I just can't do this". But, bottom line is, that's going to happen if it's meant to happen. I can no more control him than I can control the tide. He just keeps telling me to be myself and it'll all be ok. Not to walk on eggshells....which I am doing everyday. I've been asked to go out this weekend but I am thinking of saying no cuz I want to spend time with him...but I have to realize if I leave for a night he's not going to disappear. Boy....I really have some work to do. I have to accept that this is where I am right now and live in it and be greatful. If you send out gratitude and light into the Universe, it comes back to you. I really believe that. Instead, I am sending out fear and negativity. I will do my best to stop this self-sabatoging behavior....ASAP!!!!

[ginab1966]

I don't know what else to say other than....you are right and Thank you. I love that song and I've never really "heard" it until I just spoke it outloud. I LOVE it.

Rent free, huh? I'll at least cook once a week ok? I make the best homemade lasagna you have ever tasted!!

hugs...G

[ginab1966]

Sara:

There is a Retrouvaille weekend in Hartford on 9/18. I really, really want to go to that one. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it and get a concrete committment from him. I have emailed and calling asking for more information but I haven't gotten a response back yet. Is there any way that you can tell me how the weekend works. He cannot get Friday off but get's out of work at 3pm. What is the timeline. I really have put a lot of faith and stock in this. I'm hopeing he will do what he said he would do and commit to going. Money is a HUGE issue right now but they say that no one is turned away due to the inability to pay. Also, what are the follow up sessions. Are they in the same place? It's 10 3 hours sessions, right? Any and all information would be helpful.

Thanks

[lg193]

Hey gina, just thought I'd chime in. Just finished Retro last weekend, had a very good experience. We did ours in Canada, but I'm pretty sure it's the same everywhere. One thing I will say though as stated many times on this site it is not a silver bullet, having said that it worked remarkably well for us so far (only a week has passed) but I will say that my wife was very committed and participated actively all weekend, I was very surprised and impressed by this.The techniques they teach you seem too simple, but do not underestimate the importance of them. Also, there are small exercises to do every day, you and your H are the only ones who decide if you do these or not. DO THEM! Also attend all post sessions if possible.
One last thing, even if your husband does not seem overly enthusiastic in the beginning try not to be discouraged, I seen so many men at our Retro weekend with the same negative attitude completely turned around 180 degrees...Amazing and inspiring.

[ginab1966]

LG:

Thanks so much for your encouragement. H said this morning that he will committ to go. So, I'm going online and signing us up. The one thing that I'm confused about is that...well..we don't have very much money at all. To be more honest, we are swimming in a pile of bills so high that we can't see daylight. We are quiting our marital counseling because it's too expensive. Retro was something that we both thought we could do for "help" with our marriage issues and it wouldn't cost us money.

Can you tell me the timeline of the weekend? when did you start on Friday? I thought it said 5 or 7pm and that matters because my h works until 3 and has no more days off.

Thanks and so happy to hear things are looking brite for you and W. All the blessings in the world to you both.

G

[lg193]

Gina, for us it started at 7:30 Friday night and went till about 10:30, trust me the time flies by.Sat started at 8:00 and went till about the same as Friday. Again, I just want to stress that the time flies by due to the fact that you are learning and gaining so much.
Thanks for the well wishes, I will be praying for you both and your marriage. God Bless.





Me 42, Her 34
M 3yrs, T 8yrs
D 5 S 3 S 2
ILYBINILWY 02/09
Sleeping in same bed/with intimacy
"I,m done" her words: 05/28/09
She's trying again 06/25/09
Second "I'm done" 07/11/09
She's trying again.
Retro Aug 22/09

[ginab1966]

Well, we are all registered for Retro on 9/18. We'll see how it goes. I'm playing phone tag with the woman who contacted us regarding information for the weekend. I hope I get to talk to her soon because I have a little list of questions that I wanted to ask.

I think I'm making some progress and doing much better. See, I am still on the brink so I'm DB'ing and piecing all at the same time. My biggest "win" was my convo with hubby the other night. He was being pretty icy and came out with the fact that he is feeling smothered. I guess (truly I didn't realize I was doing this) when I would pass him in the hall or go by him in any room, I would touch him...reach out and touch him. I would sit with him each night and watch TV...whatever room he was in, I was in. That's because he was reconnecting with me the week before and I just got a little carried away. He said that the week before wasn't as much of a connection as I thought and he was really doing the "fake it till you make it" to the hilt. Felt sorry if he was giving me mixed signals and I said "I had no idea" that it wasn't genuine and that you are feeling smothered. He said that I couldn't possibly know because he wasn't communicating his emotions/feelings clearly until right now. He said he needed space and needed to just be left alone. INSTEAD of falling apart I said "Although that disappoints me, I understand how you are feeling completely and respect your need for space". I got out of bed, let him go to sleep and came downstairs and did my own thing. This weekend I've jsut let him do his thing and haven't really touched him once except a goodnight kiss last night. We had a great day yesterday and today. Laughing, doing things around the house, playing with daughter, etc.

I'm hoping that I can continue the play it cool attitude. I'm reading a lot of Beatties books on Co-dependancy and really trying to keep a level head. I'm also coming on here a lot and reading and reading my DR book too. It's like a bible now.

Thanks for listening. Thanks to all of you for being out there and being just a great sounding board. I wish none of us ever had to be here but I'm so glad we have a place to go.

Gina B