Well, I don't have much news to report. Things are going well w/GF and I. We spent the weekend together and I was w/her yesterday helping her out (dead battery) as well as moving a few things into her brother's apartment as a favor to her mother.
We're doing well. She's becomming more and more affectionate w/me and she's opening up more and more each time. We had an actual "date" on Sunday night where we went and saw "the Time Traveller's Wife" and she said she really, really enjoyed the date.
I've got to be honest, but that movie was a bit tough for me but only because of the father/daughter dynamic in the film. Anything that deals w/that subject seems to get to me.
Anyway, GF is planning doctor's visits as well as starting therapy so she can continue to break down the walls she's built up over time. She's told me she really wants to do it so we can continue to move forward.
So, I guess I can say it feels good right now as we're starting to move into a new phase where our friendship is growing stronger and we're starting to be more comfortable w/each other and more intimate as well.
Now only if I could get her to model her underwear for me like Ali did for her BF.
I'm a lurker who has recently come out of the shadows on this board. I've followed recent developments in your situation and have always really appreciated your masculine perspective on others' situations. I was watching Steve Martin in the Pink Panther movie this morning while tidying up around the house and heard Inspector Clouseau deliver a line that I thought you might appreciate (in your mind picture Steve Martin delivering this with his fake French accent --- I hope it brings a smile to your face):
"A woman is like an artichoke. You have to go through a lot of layers before you get to the heart."
Your situation sounds VERY positive. You are doing a wonderful job at building friendship first. May I call on you if I need a male perspective in the future?
RTL, I cant wait to start going out buying udnerwear myself for that special someone...
It sounds like you are building a solid relationship and she sure sounds like she is very aware of the dynamics that may affect you two. Happy for you darling, K
Hello there. Thanks for lurking, but thanks even more for posting. I always enjoy hearing from others.
The artichoke quote is accurate. It is a good visual for sure and I'll use it.
Thanks for the words of support about my situation. I'm doing what I can to build a foundation first, but I have to be honest that it is tough to be this patient. I guess that is because I've never done relationships "the right way" before, so I've never had to wait. That is clearly why I've never had a lasting, solid relationship. I also never had one modelled for me, so I'm basically learning it all on my own.
However, I know that it is best to do it the right way, so I'll keep plugging forward as I'm currently going. It is new and different however, but I know that all good things are worth the wait, so I'm in no real hurry to go anywhere.
Finally, as far as calling on me for a male perspective, please feel free by all means. I don't have all the answers for sure, but I do know I've learned quite a bit and if something I've learned can help someone else, then I'm always all for sharing.
Again, great to hear from you and I hope I'll hear back from you again soon.
I'm looking forward to the underwear phase too. I'm happy and envious of Ali at the same time!
I think things are building correctly as well, but it is tough to be patient, even when you know it is the right thing to do. Tom Petty knew what he was singing when he said "the waiting is the hardest part."
I guess in the end, it will just make everything that much more sweeter. Right?
As for GF, she is very aware of the dynamics that are needed and what will end up hurting us if we aren't careful. I admire that about her and I'd rather we both take things slowly than rush and lose it in the end.
If we are to make it forward and have some stability, we'll have to wait it out.
When our time finally does come around, it will all have been worth the wait and we'll not even remember how long we waited and how slow we moved in order to make things right.
As for you, my friend, I'm saddened by your situation, but at the same tiem glad that you now can move toward setting yourself free. You've been through a lot and have plenty of scars to prove it, but at least now you can head forward w/your life and your future.
I think I need to find us some sort of a "travel club" where we can all join and save money on travel so some day we can all finally look to hook up and meet. If I come across anything I'll post it on FB.
I know what you mean about not having been patient enough in the past to build a solid foundation for a relationship before moving forward with it. I have been guilty of that too! Ditto re: not having a healthy relationship modeled for me. I find for myself that in the past I have thought that I had fairly rigid standards when considering a guy for a relationship, and that when a guy met the most important standards (not necessarily the most healthy standards) I let my walls down very quickly and became exclusive with him.
If I recall correctly, you have been working with Jody (DB coach) to discuss how you will proceed with new GF. I have been working with Jody too and find her VERY insightful. Would you be willing to share and list some of the key points that you have identified as being important for beginning a new relationship? I have read 3 of Harville Hendrix' and Helen LaKelly Hunt's books and have felt that their strategy for building a lasting relationship makes sense to me. Have you found other strategies that you think may be successful?
Jody is outstanding. I really love working w/her. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I'd have acted sooner and known about DB sooner, I'd still be married. However, that is a negative as it would mean my XW would still be messed up.
Anyway, Jody has been great for me at every step of the way in my situation. I absolutely adore her. I'm glad you've found her too.
As for the "steps" she said step one is to diffuse all anger and negative emotions. This is where you have to pull yourself away from anything that can cause a negative reaction and ask "is my action going to reduce or increase negative feelings?"
"Step Two" is friendship where you both are able to feel really good w/each other. YOu are free and natural w/out any (or many) inhibitions. Things just start to flow naturally in this phase.
"Step Three" is the stage where romance begins. From here you are into relationship mode.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you'd like me to elaborate at all on any of what I put down.
The stages you listed look like the stages of reconciliation that many of us are trying to move through. Did Jody recommend the same strategy for getting to know your GF better? I don't want to be too nosy but I'm curious about how Jody recommended that you negotiate your NEW relationship????
These are the same steps that Jody has me looking at w/my new relationship. The principle is still the same - the need to develop a solid foundation before jumping into any serious or exclusive relationship.
I thought it would be a bit different as well, but it isn't. The "negative" emotions are more along the line of fear, mistrust, etc. rather than the ones we've experienced during our other R's that brought us to DB in the 1st place.
