My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

I have successfully slept away most of Saturday. Way too much to do around the house and I don't have the energy, even if I knew where to begin.

I'm numb, and wondering what I'm trying not to feel. When the woman was screaming at me and took a punch earlier in the week, I thought it was interesting that I never flinched. I was just a little shaky after it was over, but I felt nothing. No anger, no fear. Nothing. When my principal told me the resolution of the incident was that I should not be alone in a room with her, I thought--well, yeah, that's inappropriate, how am I going to manage that?--and I should have been angry. But I felt nothing. On Friday I saw a dog get hit by a car on the way to work. But I couldn't cry. The picture replayed over and over in my head, but it didn't connect emotionally. When D drove off with xH yesterday for the weekend, I watched them drive away and probably stayed at the window for 5 minutes. But I didn't feel anything at all. This is rather concerning. It's as if I am as invisible to myself as I am to everyone else.

But I still check about a hundred times a day for email from ... someone, anyone. No, not xH. Just replies to notes I've sent, news from friends. And I hate that I am that pathetic, that I can't seem to find something to occupy my time that is more productive. Or at least less pathetic. And I'm wondering how the hell I got to this point, and how long I will be here. What is the lesson to be learned from all of this? I'm very very anxious to "get it" so that I can move on.