Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

I don't think you're getting it yet because you're acting out of fear. You're afraid if you do the wrong thing it will drive your H away. Fear is not a good motivator.

So I can demand 'i will not tolerate this behavior as we are still married...either choose your dating lifestyle or working on our M' (this ultimatum just feels too risky to me, as he may be waiting for me to give up)

Either you believe you are worth it and you will act accordingly or you're not and you'll keep yourself in limbo. The choice is yours.