I understand that your sitch is different, but I think I know myself well enough to know that if it had been in plain (i.e., Smiley's Person-comprehensible) English, we would have done something about it.
You knew something was very wrong and didn't know what to do about it, that was my point.
A perfect example is W saying foreplay was boring. It was clearly stated. So what? Who knew how to fix it? Neither of you.
I think this is pretty common to most of our sitch's. I have to admit that I knew the R was going downhill for a long time. I actually remember dreams of getting divorced that occured more than a year before the bomb. The R was bad. Both of us knew it (althought I did not want to admit it), and (exactly as above) neither of us had a clue why it was bad or what to do about it.
I was thinking about the topic SP has been bringing up about (paraphrasing) "What if WAS does not change - can there be a recondiliation into an R that is good for both parties INCLUDING LBS?"
My answer: YES
Reasoning: Both parties contributed to a dynamic in the R. If one party changes, the R will be different. It has to be. In my sitch my R was bad because I got passive, let things slide, and allowed myself to be walked on. If I have TRULY changed, then I won't be passive, won't allow myself to be walked on, and the R dynamic has to be different. It either won't work at all (in which case there won't be an M to worry about) or it will be better. In either case, you don't have to worry about whether the WAS has changed or works on his or her self - just stay true to the changes you made (or need to make).
SP, you see that your W never paid attention to your work or special events (as an example). You don't have to worry whether or not she has changed or will change and whether now she will pay attention to those things. You need to make it clear to her that those things are important to you and reinforce that if she does not. Either she will start paying willing attention to those things (and the M will work), or she will refuse (in which case you will both know it won't work).
Last edited by Thinker; 08/29/0906:00 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.