Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Sara]

There is a BIG difference between an R discussion and a discussion to set or enforce a boundary or to improve the partnership.

In my own mind I coined the terms "Boundary Discussion" and "Partnership Discussion"

R discussions are pursuit - "Let's talk about us" - I have tried like He11 to avoid these.

Boundary discussions are short and direct, and are about a specific thing that the other person did (a specific incident, not "You always..."), combined with the impact and consequences. "You did X, which caused me to do Y or feel Z, If you do this again then..."

Partnership discussions are specifically designed to improve the way you work together in your current sitch - coordination, division of duties, etc. "Let's compare schedules to figure out who goes where this week." "Here's where we are vs our budget for this month"

Avoiding R discussions does not mean you should avoid Boundary or Partnership discussions. These other two are critical.

BIG NOTE:
None of these discussions are for dealing with anger and resentment. You have to deal with those on your own.

That's great stuff, Thinker. Did you come up with it on your own? It is a really important distinction to make and I think most people are unaware of it.

As for praying for couples at Retrouvaille... absolutely, you'd be surprised how many people are praying for you while you are there. I will pray for all of the DB couples who go.

[Thinker]

Prayer is good, and ALWAYS appreciated.

The point I was trying to make is not to go into the weekend with huge expectations or pressures. I would hate for anyone to go into ANY 3 day period thinking this is THE thing which is going to make or break the M. IMHO it would just make for too much pressure on the event.

I appreciate the prayers, however, and will definitely keep you all in mine as well.

Thanks

[Thinker]

Thanks Sara,

I have been using the distinction between "R" (Relationship) discussions and "P" (Partnership)discussions for a while in my own sitch. I am not sure how original it is or if I derived from something else, but I don't think I have seen it spelled out elsewhere. I just needed to keep them straight in my own mind. I recently added "B" (Boundary)discussions to my thought process when they became so apparently necesessary in my sitch.

[Thinker]

Realized that I have been committing a major thought error and personalizing a lot of the strain I feel between W and me recently. She has been so blaise and cheerful when she is with her mom, that I have been attributing the tension it to strain over our sitch, instead of to the more obvious source - terror over the thought of losing her mom to cancer.

error recognized = error corrected

[aliveandkicking]

that is huge!

[Thinker]

that is huge!

Not really a huge change in direction - just a midcourse correction to the thought process that has crept into my mind over the last day or so.

But is definitely something I need to remember every time I see her being tense, etc. It has been confusing to me, because she is her with her mom and her family and she is happy, laughing, etc - then we are alone together and all of the sudden she is tense and distant. My interpretation has been to look at the change and interpret it as:

"She is stressed because now we are alone together and she feels pressure over our R" This puts me under pressure and stresses me out. I respond badly.

In actuality, it is more likely to be:

"She is stressed because now we are quiet together and there are fewer distractions, so her worries about her family come out" This is easy to respond to - just be quietly supportive.

----

Don't take anything personally! Don't make assumptions!

[aliveandkicking]

This is a huge event in her life and you see it for what it is. That is huge.

[Thinker]

I agree. I can't even begin to understand the depths of those feelings as I am fortunate enough not to have been through it yet, but I can see how huge and terrifying it must be.

[aliveandkicking]

There may be a perfect moment to express that to W. If there is, I trust you will know it.

[Kettricken]

I realize this reasoning could be used to excuse a pattern of nasty behavior; that's NOT how I mean it. Love doesn't puke one's emotional bad fish all over a loved one. However.

Depending on her personality type, this could actually be a bass-ackwards compliment. If she is the type to 'put on a happy face' as her chosen front for dealing with stress, the fact that you get to see her "unadorned", with her guard down and her emotions showing, may in fact be a vote of confidence, of sorts. After everything, she may still feel comfortable enough with you to take the mask off.

I tend to be that way myself. Not too many people IRL get let in on my darker moments. My best girlfriend is the same way. (I've heard her work customer service, and the more pissed she is, the sweeter she sounds.)

YMMV, of course. People get really bizarro around serious family health crises .... it's excellent that you're not personalizing her behavior during this one.