My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

For about 16 months now I have lived one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, just plodding ahead, just putting one foot in front of the other. I have survived an incredibly difficult time. But when does it begin to feel like I'm alive again? When?

Just a year and a half ago I was so connected with community, church, family, friends. My marriage wasn't great, but I couldn't figure out anything more to do to make it better--so I simply prayed for wisdom, for healing for the relationship. But really, it hadn't been good for many years. I couldn't get past my resentment of his profound selfishness, and I really had a sense that if I sacrificed any more of my needs that I would just disappear. It truly was best that it end--however, I guess I would have preferred some honesty and integrity in that instead of just suddenly being left for someone else. Especially since that was never acknowledged, either by xH, family, or most of our friends. I think it would have been easier to grieve if there were some real feelings there, some sense of mutual responsibility instead of a whole different reality being presented which included that I was entirely to blame. It kind of makes it difficult to dissect and figure out how I contributed to the death of the marriage, and to my daughter being a child of divorce. Because I can't really move forward until I've figured all that out. I'm getting there.

It seems almost surreal that I am this isolated from my former life. Not just that my marriage is over and my family is completely different, but that I no longer have virtually any of the connections I so valued just a year and a half ago. Because I lost my job just days before xH dropped the bomb--and my job was in my church--I have lost that community. Most of my friends were there, and while most of them understand all that happened, our lives are just very different now and we no longer have all that we had in common. It hurts to go to church anywhere else, altho I have tried; this is simply what happens to most people who do church work and have it end badly. It just takes awhile to recover from the betrayal and feel comfortable in community again.

Friends from outside church have, amazingly, mostly sided with xH and cut me off--altho I don't understand why it was so necessary to take sides. I guess that's just what happens--you take sides or you feel too awkward and just withdraw. Who knows what he told them about the breakup; it couldn't have been the truth, because wouldn't they have been more sympathetic if they knew and believed it? The little that I hear involves their happiness for him to have found his soulmate--again--after all these years. Okay, leaving me out of it--what about the effect of all of that on his daughter? I cannot understand this coming from people I've shared my life with. I'm trying to find the reality in all of this--because it doesn't seem to be the one I've been living.

I have no family, except of course for D13. I was so happy to have nieces and nephews and relatives by marriage--but they no longer want any connection with me, don't even want to hear from me. I don't understand that. I didn't do anything wrong--but now I'll never see my daughter's cousins again. Except perhaps at Major Life Events involving D13--graduation, wedding, etc. But then, how do you respond to them? I don't have a clue; at the moment I feel a sense of shame when I think about it, and I don't even know why.

This is the part of the grief over the end of the marriage that will take the longest. It didn't take all that long--a year, perhaps?--to realize I'm better off without xH. (well, not ocunting financially.) But I lost so much more than my marriage. When I read on these boards the posts from those considering taking that final, irrevocable step, it makes me so sad because I wonder if they realize the vastness of the ripples flowing out from that decision. It is so difficult to begin again at 53--relationally, financially it is very much like being 23 and beginning my life right out of college. But it's much more difficult to reinvent myself this time around.

I'm tired. D13 is gone for the weekend at a family reunion. I need to get out of the house and out of my head, but there's so much to do here chore-wise (I just don't have the energy after work during the week) and I don't have any money until next weekend. I will find something to do, because I need to recharge and vacuuming and laundry are not going to accomplish that for myself.

I realize this is mostly journalling, but it's helpful to process outside my head. Interesting that my experience on these boards has so mirrored the rest of my life--lots of onlookers and readers, very few responses. But having a life that looks like a train wreck isn't all that attractive, I suppose. Just wish I knew when I will feel like I am living again and not just going through the motions. It feels somewhat pathetic that most of my friends are online, and I never see them in person or talk with them--but I am grateful for that connection just the same.