Quote: So stress, worry and fear of what? It could be that she feels that once she gives you sex, you are only going to want it more. So she feels that giving it to you once is going to tame the beast for a night, maybe, but then the beast gets bigger, and wants sex more, and that will only lead to more arguments... (this is just a guess on my part based on my own experience, so I could be really off base here).
Actually Corri, your guess may very well be on the mark. In trying to understand the fears that may be preventing my wife from "just doing it", I had actually guessed the exact same thing - so far that's been the only thing that I can come up with.
Quote: the two of you have failed to communicate
I agree completely and have known for a long time that we have a communication problem. But even though I haven't been able to successfully communicate what my needs mean to me, I've tried my butt off! I don't know anything else to try. And getting her to open up and communicate to me is nearly impossible. So what can I do?
Quote: You said yourself you do not understand why she feels anxious, because to you, the answer is simple. But your answer for her anxiousness is not her answer... so she continues to feel misunderstood and frustrated.
I agree, and when what she told me didn't seem to make any sense, I figured it must be one of those greek/french (or mars/venus) things. Can you translate for me?
Quote: Do you see now how this is a communication problem and not an issue of sex (even though I know that's what it feels like to you.)
Yes, I definitely see that it's a communication problem, and that, or whatever is causing her resentment towards me, is the underlying problem. But considering that the underlying problem, whatever it is, hasn't affected any part of our relationship besides sex (and intimacy in general), I still tend to see it primarily as a sex problem. I honestly think that once we start having sex again on a regular basis, the problem will be resolved. I don't doubt that our inability to communicate will again cause other problems, but I think (and hope) that they'll be differnt problems.
Quote: I know guy, you are so horny right now you just want to get laid and I really do understand that.
I think that was intended to console me, so thank you for that. But I've got to admit that I'm surprised at you Corri - that statement really trivializes the issue. Of course I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't horny and wanting to get laid. Nonetheless, I think you know that there's a lot more to this issue than just that. By the way, just so you know that what you said didn't offend me, I'm really just trying to give you a hard time here.
Quote: I'm a pain in the ass, I know.
Yeah, but in a good sort of way!
Thanks for your input Corri - it's always very much appreciated.
So the cat is out of the bag and we're getting somewhere at last. Yeah! Its wonderful that your W doesn't really have a desire problem. It really is. So the problem is with communication and you are now left wondering I have tried everything, what else can I do? Well, being more like you, my first thought would be oh come off it, lets just do it and the more we do, the easier it gets and the problem is solved, simple as that. Of course its not as simple as that in your wife's case.
We all know that you've tried really hard so how about just telling your W. "I've tried really, really hard to try and solve this area in our M but nothing that I've been doing seems to be working. Obviously I am doing the wrong things. I can't do this on my own. I need your help. Please tell me VERY SPECIFIALLY what you need from me in order to let go of your resentment. I know that when we get into the sex argument, I turn into a monster and I don't want that monster to cause you to have anxiety attacks, so please lets work on this together because I think its beggining to seep into other areas of our M." Hope this helps some Sooner and good luck to you as always. I know you have the patience and what it takes to get you and your W through this.
Just wanted to add here that in the same vein, you should also ask your W what she needs from you specifically to get back the affection she has been witholding from you. Thats an important starting point. LH
Quote: And the only reason that she holds that resentment for me is because of the sex argument! She said that she wants to be intimate with me, but if she tries (I'm not really sure what she means by "trying") she has an anxiety attack because she's worried about having the argument.
There is alot of mental stuff that goes into "trying" when you're a person whose desire may kick in after getting started. You wouldn't be able to see that part of trying. Perhaps that's what she is referring to. That's what I'd be referring to.
Then there is the anxiety of what if nothing happens!? You want/plan on being intimate, but what if your body DOESN'T respond once you get started?! What if ultimately you're unable to go through with it?! Are you going to be faced with the sex argument?! Is he going to get upset, disappointed, angry or worst of all, hurt?! Is he going to think you're not trying hard enough or somehow you're deliberately trying to hurt him?! Is he going to see himself as a victim of some sort of cold-hearted selfishness on your part?!
Not saying that's what you're thinking. Might be some of what she's thinking. Then she starts to feel resentment toward you because none of what she thinks you might be thinking fits her perception of what's going on within herself and between the two of you.
Goes back to being in this together rather than struggling against each other. Maybe you need to ask her to just describe what it is like for her to want to be intimate but not be able to get past the resentment. Ask her to tell you more about the resentment. Don't argue with her feelings or perception of things. Let her know you're her friend and that her feelings of resentment must cause her alot of pain.
Quote: I agree completely and have known for a long time that we have a communication problem.
Just as your wife will completely agree and has known for a long time that you have a sex problem -- doesn't that make you feel better? Probably not. Why? Well, you might be thinking, yeah, she acknowledges there's a problem, but she isn't doing anything about it. She just thinks it's my problem. From her point of view, she could very well thinking the same of you when it comes to communicating. Big ole' standoff.
Quote: But even though I haven't been able to successfully communicate what my needs mean to me, I've tried my butt off! I don't know anything else to try. And getting her to open up and communicate to me is nearly impossible. So what can I do?
Sooner, she has opened up and communicated to you. She has told you loud and clear what her issues are. Stop and ask yourself, "how am I misunderstanding my wife? and what can I do to better understand her?
MPT has given you some fantastic suggestions on how you might proceed.
Quote: I still tend to see it primarily as a sex problem. I honestly think that once we start having sex again on a regular basis, the problem will be resolved.
You're not wrong on this one, but I have a hunch that to your wife, you would make better progress if you flipped this statement to: When we resolve our communication problem, we will start having more sex.
Communicating for your wife is more than an exchange of information to get you from point A to point B. Successful communication to her means a lot more. To her, successsfully communicating means she is validated, important, loved, respected... all the things that sex means to you.
Were you to show the same concern over your lack of communication that you show over your lack of sex, I think you might get a different response from her, and I think MPT has hit it right on the head that you might want to think about ways of drawing her out when she makes such statements to you like, "I resent you and I feel anxious." Not 'why' questions where she feels she must justify her position, but 'can you describe these feelings for me?' type questions.
Your needs are equally important as hers. What I have found, and others who have been able to find their own ways out of this stand off morass may tell you as well is, the BEST way to get your needs met is to make absolutely certain your partner's needs are getting met first.
This changes their attitude from 'having' to do something to 'wanting' to do something.
Your wife must committ whatever time it takes to figure out what her needs are, and what she thinks might reduce her anxiety and resentment toward you. She has to do this, or you cannot help her. This is definately an area for a boundary, and if she balks at this, or still does not feel you are hearing her, I strongly suggest you two find a counselor who will go a long way in mediating your discussions, and help her figure out the source(s) of her anxiety/resentment and how to deal with them.
Quote: What I have found, and others who have been able to find their own ways out of this stand off morass may tell you as well is, the BEST way to get your needs met is to make absolutely certain your partner's needs are getting met first.
Hi luvhubby. The fact that you said "my first thought would be oh come off it, lets just do it and the more we do, the easier it gets and the problem is solved, simple as that" makes me think that this may not be a male/female issue as much as it is a high desire/low desire issue. Maybe the book should be "High desire spouses are from Mars, low desire spouses are from Venus.
Quote: how about just telling your W. "I've tried really, really hard to try and solve this area in our M but nothing that I've been doing seems to be working. Obviously I am doing the wrong things. I can't do this on my own. I need your help. Please tell me VERY SPECIFIALLY what you need from me in order to let go of your resentment. I know that when we get into the sex argument, I turn into a monster and I don't want that monster to cause you to have anxiety attacks, so please lets work on this together because I think its beggining to seep into other areas of our M."
Actually, what you've suggested is exactly what I was trying to do on Friday, except that I didn't know about the resentment and anxiety attacks at the time. Now that I have a little more information, I'll definitely use it to try and hone in on solving the problem.
Quote: You want/plan on being intimate, but what if your body DOESN'T respond once you get started?! What if ultimately you're unable to go through with it?! Are you going to be faced with the sex argument?! Is he going to get upset, disappointed, angry or worst of all, hurt?! Is he going to think you're not trying hard enough or somehow you're deliberately trying to hurt him?! Is he going to see himself as a victim of some sort of cold-hearted selfishness on your part?!
That's the kind of input I need MPT. Thank you. It helps so much to get your views as to what my wife might be thinking, and I think you're probably not far off.
Quote: Maybe you need to ask her to just describe what it is like for her to want to be intimate but not be able to get past the resentment. Ask her to tell you more about the resentment. Don't argue with her feelings or perception of things. Let her know you're her friend and that her feelings of resentment must cause her alot of pain.
That's great advice MPT. After going in circles for so long, I'm finally starting to feel that I've got some hope. I'll try what you've suggested.
Thanks MPT. Always nice when you crawl out of the woodwork to dish out some of your good advice!
