Quote: I agree completely and have known for a long time that we have a communication problem.
Just as your wife will completely agree and has known for a long time that you have a sex problem -- doesn't that make you feel better? Probably not. Why? Well, you might be thinking, yeah, she acknowledges there's a problem, but she isn't doing anything about it. She just thinks it's my problem. From her point of view, she could very well thinking the same of you when it comes to communicating. Big ole' standoff.
Quote: But even though I haven't been able to successfully communicate what my needs mean to me, I've tried my butt off! I don't know anything else to try. And getting her to open up and communicate to me is nearly impossible. So what can I do?
Sooner, she has opened up and communicated to you. She has told you loud and clear what her issues are. Stop and ask yourself, "how am I misunderstanding my wife? and what can I do to better understand her?
MPT has given you some fantastic suggestions on how you might proceed.
Quote: I still tend to see it primarily as a sex problem. I honestly think that once we start having sex again on a regular basis, the problem will be resolved.
You're not wrong on this one, but I have a hunch that to your wife, you would make better progress if you flipped this statement to: When we resolve our communication problem, we will start having more sex.
Communicating for your wife is more than an exchange of information to get you from point A to point B. Successful communication to her means a lot more. To her, successsfully communicating means she is validated, important, loved, respected... all the things that sex means to you.
Were you to show the same concern over your lack of communication that you show over your lack of sex, I think you might get a different response from her, and I think MPT has hit it right on the head that you might want to think about ways of drawing her out when she makes such statements to you like, "I resent you and I feel anxious." Not 'why' questions where she feels she must justify her position, but 'can you describe these feelings for me?' type questions.
Your needs are equally important as hers. What I have found, and others who have been able to find their own ways out of this stand off morass may tell you as well is, the BEST way to get your needs met is to make absolutely certain your partner's needs are getting met first.
This changes their attitude from 'having' to do something to 'wanting' to do something.
Your wife must committ whatever time it takes to figure out what her needs are, and what she thinks might reduce her anxiety and resentment toward you. She has to do this, or you cannot help her. This is definately an area for a boundary, and if she balks at this, or still does not feel you are hearing her, I strongly suggest you two find a counselor who will go a long way in mediating your discussions, and help her figure out the source(s) of her anxiety/resentment and how to deal with them.
