very good question. In our history, there was one time he moved out for 2 wks because he found me out having drinks w xh and he flipped. I called him every day, and asked for a chance to see him. I told him I didn't want to ask him back, just wanted a chance to explain myself. When he came, I showed him the email i'd sent xh telling him to leave me alone & respect boundries. I handed him a letter where I apologized, acknowledged, spoke honestly about my feelings, vowed to not repeat the mistake, and told him if he ever gave me a chance I would prove myself worthy of it. I asked for his help with my codependent problem with my x, assured him I was not interested in reconciling with x. That was fighting. He went against his nature and did something he'd never given any other woman in his life - a 2nd chance. He asked me to write to him about what love means to me and I took that homework very seriously and gave him a very detailed thoughtful letter about love, and we . discussed it at length. Although he came back, he has always been a bit stingy with his affection since then, and he has several times mentioned how painful the picture of me & xh sitting together is and it sticks in his mind. In July he says he probably never fully forgave me for that betrayal. (Mind you, I was in an outdoor cafe haveing a drink, surrounded by people. I did not have sex w/ xh) I was relentlessly calling him. He wouldn't answer, I'd just call again & again. He had his friend who works with him answer and he's say mark want to know what you want, I'd reply - I want to talk to him. I wore him down until he agreed to come talk to me. I think that is fighting for us.
Another time he was mad and said he was going to move out. I told him I would not stop him if that's truly what he wanted, but that I wanted him to stay. I told him I wanted to spend my life with him and want to be hand in hand with him in old age. He admitted within hours that he just couldn't bring himself to leave me and he wanted to be with me too. That was fighting.
This time, he gave me 2 wks to rehome the new cat or he'd leave. I did nothing. Things were normal between us during the 2 wks. At the end of the time period, he asked what I'd decided about the cat. I told him I didn't want to see him go, but that if he's making me choose, I choose the cat. (if you remember he'd been sick & miserable & I was fed up w/ his attitude.) I just sat back and let him pack & move, thinking I could reach out to him after he left and felt I'd still have a powerful influence on him. Now he's said, if I'd taken any action to persuade him to back down, he would have stayed. Instead I was bringing home apt. listings for him and offering furniture that he may like to take. So fighting for him now - I don't know exactly. It would be letting him know how much I miss him. Telling him how sorry I am that I disrespected his feelings. I would have to promise to never hurt him like when I said I prefer the cat. I'd have to show him I am looking out for his interest and be considerate. I would appeal to his emotions. I think that he would consider that I'm fighting for us if I did these things. So far, I've told him I miss him. Told him I still love him. Told him I'm sorry that I went about the cat adoption all wrong. Asked if he'd be interested to see me sometime. And finally asked if he would get together. I was pretty stunned when he didn't want to see me. After that I have been trying to come back to the db strategy. Last summer he told me he pictured us together for the rest of life. And before he moved he told me he'd told his friends that after we survived a couple near breakups, that he couldn't imagine anything that could split us up. He told them he was tied to me permanently. And that betraying his ultimatum about the cat was the one thing that he never expected and the one thing that could send him away.
He has a terrible childhood history, which he'd never admit cause him to behave this way. Every other gf he's ever had he's walked out at the 1st problem and never looked back. So he has no experience in working through problems. I'm the only woman he ever stayed with after a problem. He was amazed and felt he bent one of his prided principles to be with me after "my mistake". He says I'm the only woman he's ever loved.
I think he wants to know he's loved above all else, esp. a pet. He wants to feel safe, because he's never had that in his entire life. So fighting for him would have to mean showing him he's loved and making him feel secure.
But all those ideas are anti-db. I'll stick with this for now, because my notion that I had some profound affect on him and could win him back is not proved correct. I'm going to have to give it much more time than I thought. I had figured we'd be together by summer. But clearly this is going to be a tough nut to crack. So I will continue to use this strategy, it's best for me either way anyway. I have time. So long as we're alive, there is hope.
I need to find a new home. I think that is the only urgent issue at hand.
