UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

OK - here's the thing: the more I read and the more great advice I get, the more I am becoming confused! Why is there no emoticon for confused?!!

I have been so good all day today - congratulating myself on my third day of going dark. I got a surprise phone call from someone who I had met at my agency work recently asking me to go for coffee tomorrow, so that's something really positive. I have done loads of garden work and laundry and have not noticed the day dragging as much as it has previously - perhaps I'm starting to GAL!

I have hatched a plan to visit the local hospital on Monday and see if they have any vacancies - I would be working so far outside my speciality but if I could get something, that is not at the bedside (which I just could not bear any more) then what a great 180 that would be! It would really show H that I have gone right outside my comfort zone too.

... but here's the rub. I have just sat down and given 5 Love Languages another go and I got on with it much better this time. Infact, I found it positively inspiring! Now my thoughts are:

1) Do I continue to stay dark - I really don't think that H will even notice never mind be affected by it so I could purely be wasting my emotions?
2) I PROMISE that I would not pursue if I 'come back in to the light', now that I realise my negative behaviour (thanks Gucci)!
2) I would like to stay dark so that I could see if it really does bring results (contradicts #1)
3) If I stay dark, how do I get to communicate LL of affirmation to WAH?
4) Do I write a note to the I-L's full of positive affirmation for my H and how I have failed to identify his 'love language' over the years ... hoping that they will 'feedback' to him?


The i-l's were asking H about me last weekend and said that they had not heard from me. H has verbalised that he would not mind if I was in contact with them and I know that they would welcome it. H is not telling them much right now and I think that me being in touch would give them reassurance that he is OK. We are so far apart geographically and I'm sure that they are equally worried about him on his 'own' as they are about me - yes, they do know about OW, so H tells me and I doubt very much if they are any too impressed. I also think that he will have been very selective in what he has told them, being 'traditionalists' as they are.

Now, the above does not mean that I have ignored Gucci's advice, just purely that I am throwing a curve ball in here and fessing up to my amiguous thoughts.

Anyone - thoughts please??

[MrBond]

The reason why you are confused is because you're still doing these things "for him". You need to do this for yourself whether or not he notices. Do you think it's something you want to do? Then do it because it makes you happy.

Not because you think it will get him back.

Live for yourself and you won't be confused.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh, I just don't know! Of course I want H to come back and I guess that I have to be honest and say that would be my primary intent.

I have to say though, learning that I have drained his love tanks so low, as well as my own, I do feel that to give him a top up - whether it scores me 'points' or not - would be a good and loving thing to do.

I think that I also need to practise my LL's on those who I love (back in the UK) - it is an adaptable process, seems to me, that could be used on anyone and not just spouses. Evidently, it would have to be adapted slightly or else everyone would think that you have gone nuts!

I also wonder if he would see it as a big old 180 - I'm sure that he would.

[MrBond]

Doing it as a 180 is good. Be sure to journal everything. If he doesn't respond after a couple of weeks, change strategy.

It's funny how reading books like the LL actually help our other R with the people we are closest to. You are right in applying them to those as well.

For now, just document what your H's LL are and store that away in your head. All of these little nuggets of info are like ammunition that you can use when the situation arises.

Consider having your H back as being your ultimate goal. Then stash it away. Believe that he will come back some day and then don't think about it.

[Eskimo Nell]

Excellent advice Stuck. Now then - what about the going dark bit ... if I am dark, I can't practise the LL's and positive affirmation?

Evidently I don't want to pursue so that's the bit that ties me in knots ... he will see me going dark as game playing .. I just know it. I have absolutely no need to contact him right now as we saw each other on Wednesday and sorted out the immediate practicalities of the house, bills etc.

Would it be OK to just wait until the next time that I NEED to have contact and then practise the LL as a 180 at that time - with NO pursuing behaviour (and checked out on the forum first)!!

[MrBond]

Forget about what he thinks or doesn't think. If he thinks you're game playing, that's up to him.

Going dark for you is about getting your head on straight. It's about getting your life in order. You learn that you don't need someone to make you happy. You don't become co-dependent on that person.

The LL are great for when and if he comes back. That's the rub. You have to detach first and honestly let him go in order for you to truly live. Then IF he comes back, it will be up to you to see if he is worthy of you.

Our own self-esteem tends to become so damaged that we need to take care of ourselves first before anything else.

[Eskimo Nell]

I gotcha!

Making my complimentary DB'ing Salad is evidently wrong then ... semi-dark, words of affirmation and quality time (when appropriate/available) etc ...

Detach, rebuild, get a job, GAL ---> then LL, right??

[JCJ]

Hi Nell

Yes that is it. This is all work you are doing yourself at the moment. Do not show it yet. It is good to work out your part in things so it can help you 180 - for example I used to get pissy about h's friends (in fairness to me everyone who has met them thinks they are very annoying!). Now when he talks about them I just smile and engage in the conversation instead of acting like his mother. Just little things like that help our communication and make me fun to be around again. And actually last time he told me about one of their antics it was genuinely really funny.

In the beginning though dark and detached. He may think it is a game but when he has contact with you (post here first before responding) he will get the idea that you are actually far too busy and he is no longer your top priority. That echo's Gucci's words about the male psyche.

Detach, rebuild, get a job, GAL ---> then LL, right??

This is good, you can do the first 4 side-by-side though, the second two will help with the first I promise.

P.S - I love Eastenders, don't watch Corrie so much lately as it hasn't got that good. Maybe it's becasue I'm a Londoner...

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for positive affirmation JCJ ... I think that I am finally Dot Cotton-ing on!! (An Eastie's joke there for you - OK, so it was a bit of a groaner )!! Hey, that's the first time I have posted a 'laugh' emoticon .. does that mean I'm on the mend?!! {Oh, word of warning - PLEASE don't say anything that's happening in Corrie or Emmerdale, even if you know, as we are a good year and 8 months respectively, behind the UK. When I was back there in June, it was murderous trying to avoid newspapers and magazines which may have had updates and my darling nephews, bless them, taped each episode for me when they knew that I was soon to arrive home}!!

Overall, I have had a better day today. I got up a little later (makes the day shorter) but that's difficult when you have whinging cats who want to go out to play any time from 4:58am onwards! Things done today include, sweeping the floors (again - it's never ending with so much sand in the garden); knocking down more webs, laundry, garden work. I've just let the puss's out now and then we are off to bed - I have a coffee meeting at 10.30 in the morning. Going to use that meeting to explore if there are any jobs around/people who can introduce me to jobs or GAL interests that are local. (Use what you have got and whilst I will have the undivided attention of a Nursey-colleague, that will be my aim)!

So, tomorrow will be Day Four of No Pursuit (can we invent a board game and earn as much as the Triv lot did - sure there must be a need for that and I am copywrighting this sentence IMMEDIATELY)!!

Big 180 for you now, so hang on to your hats - I have made an appointment to get my tax return lodged, with an accountant INSTEAD of H doing it for me, as is usual!! Are you all impressed? I am. It will also show H that I have taken control of that and am not so needy as to have to get him to do it, as we discussed the other evening. He said that he would happily do it but he felt that getting it done would be financially more beneficial ... I wonder if he realised that he will end up paying for it?!! Still, this is all about ME now and if he can go off on holiday with ow, I can have my 180 and get some $tax back - he won't be seeing a cent of that, I can tell you! I know that he is all prepared for me to ask him when he is coming around to do it. Keep waiting mon ami!

I hear your message in regard to your H's friends ... problem with us is H's dad. It's like red rag to a bull when his name is mentioned to me. Next time H mentions him, I must ask and show more interest about the old goat. See, you got a giggle out of your H's sitch, so why shouldn't I get one too?

Interesting that you say that I should not respond to him straight away and let him think that I am too busy, showing him he is not my top priority - that's exactly what I feel he has been doing to me. I wonder has he been a lurker here because I am recognising some of the behaviour patterns. Mind you, that could all be from the coaching with ow as the tramp is divorced - maybe she is a failed student from the DB Academy. Ha!

OK - off now - catch you all tomorrow. Looking forward to some good posts and some inspiring new stories ...

[MrBond]

"Detach, rebuild, get a job, GAL"

Concentrate on this.